Friday, August 04, 2006

The Goodkind Parodies

Revised! 31/08/06

These were all posted on the Let's Mock Terry Goodkind threads at by me and various people, and I've decided to collect them all into one place for the sake of posterity. The Mad Moose has kindly provided links to all the actual Goodkind quotes these are lampooning, but if you can't be bothered to read them all (or if Terry's prose makes your eyes hurt) here is a quick summary:

Richard | Kahlan | Other Wizards | Nicci | Goats, Gars and other animals | The Bad Guys | Terry Goodkind | The Parodies!

  • Richard Rahl is the hero. He wields the Sword of Truth, which has the word "Truth" embossed on the handle, and is powered by rage. He is also a War Wizard, which is basically a type of rare wizard that can do all sorts of special magic. He is used as the paragon of morals and virtue, and of Objectivist doctrine. He wears what is described as a "war wizard outfit."

  • While being tortured by the enemy, Richard used his magic power to kick an (evil) 8-year-old girl in the jaw in a convoluted escape plot; the phrase used by Goodkind to describe this power is "Richard's thing rose up in him".

  • Richard originally stops eating meat when he becomes a wizard, but eventually Goodkind changes his mind and has Richard make an elaborate justification of why Meat is Good.

  • In one book, Goodkind creates a nation of pacifists (led by a small boy) as a strawman argument to display why Pacifism is Wrong. The pacifists stage a peaceful demostration to stop Richard from going to war; Richard slaughters the protestors, who are "armed only with their hatred for moral clarity." Richard also kills unarmed council members.

  • Richard learns super fighting skills just by holding his sword; he also learns things like how to grab arrows out of the air (more than once) and advanced algebra. Later, he can learn this from any sword, not just a magic one. He is also able to recreate an antidote from remembering how it tasted.

  • Richard, while captured by the enemy, manages to steal a sword by pretending to stretch, then kills several dozen soldiers before being captured again. The captain of the guard is so impressed that he asks Richard to be on his sports team. (the Imperial sport of Ja La)

  • Richard makes very long speeches. Very, very long speeches.

  • Richard abandons his troops at one point because he doesn't think they are worthy of him.

  • Richard's latest battle tactics are simple - his army of D'Harans is too small to take on the huge enemy army, so instead he orders them to go to the enemy homeland and slaughter all the civilians, removing the ears of anyone who preaches the enemy faith. Because this is the only moral thing to do.

  • Nearly all women want to seduce Richard; Duchess Lumholz tries to do this with food. Later, it turns out that she was only doing this because of nipple magic (don't ask). Richard actually turns out to be a bit of a prude.

  • Kahlan is Richard's wife, and a Confessor, which gives her the power to magically bind men to her will as permanent slaves. Richard is able to protect himself from her magic by his love for her (aah!)

  • She is almost raped at least 9 times throughout the series, but always manages to escape/be rescued in the nick of time. On one occasion, she is attacked by a chicken that is not a chicken, but evil incarnate. It has an evil cackle.

  • At one stage, Kahlan has to lead an small army in a fight against a large one, in winter. Her cunning plan is to have all the soldiers strip naked and paint themselves white, so the enemy will think they are ghosts. Surprisingly, this works. All deserters who were given the option to leave before the battle are later tracked down and killed.

  • One of the enemy soldiers breaks into Kahlan's camp and kills a wizard. Kahlan orders that he be tortured to death slowly over several hours.

  • Kahlan's half-sister, the Queen of Galea, has a breakdown (following a gratuitous gang-rape) and temporarily hands over the queenship to Kahlan, who promptly annexes Galea to Richard's empire. When their half-brother Harold comes to tell Kahlan they are not happy about this annexation, and that Galea wishes to remain neutral in the war, Kahlan vows to destroy Galea, murder all its citizens and send her sister back to the rapists. Harold is then murdered by one of the wizards and this is treated as a good thing.

  • One of Kahlan's previous Confessor-power victims was an innocent man, so he is magically transformed into a wolf. So everything's all right in the end.

  • To enter a temple, Kahlan (for some reason) has to marry one of Richard's evil half-brothers. However, in the dark there's the old switcheroo and it turns out that it's Richard after all.

  • Despite being quite prim in real life, Kahlan has to act like a slut on several trumped-up occasions. It seems that Goodkind likes writing about sluts.

  • Phantom begins with Kahlan not knowing who she is...

  • Zeddicus Zul Zoroander is a wizard, and also Richard's grandfather and mentor. He says "Bags!" a lot; this is possibly intended to be a swearword.

  • Du Chaillu is a sort of sorceress that Richard rescues using a cunning ruse. She later has her super warriors try to kill him, and then claims him as her husband.

  • Betty is a goat, who is noble (I'm not sure why). Betty is possessed by an evil spirit, but rescued by Richard.

  • Gratch is a gar, a type of furry dinosaur. Richard befriends the orphaned Gratch, but later has to drive him away to save his life. Gratch later returns with an army of gars to save Richard in the middle of a battle. Gratch says "Gratch luuuug Raaach Arrrrg" a lot; apparently this means "Gratch loves Richard."

  • Scarlet is a magical talking dragon that Richard befriends.

  • Nicci is an evil sorceress who likes to torture people; she doesn't like lice. She is converted into a good guy when Richard carves a statue of Life (a man and a woman looking happy and alive, or something) and she falls to her knees and weeps with joy.

  • When infiltrating the enemy camp, she avoids recognition by taking her top off; the men are so distracted by her boobs that then never look at her face. She then wreaks bloody havoc and escapes. Shortly afterwards (?) she rips out someone's still-beating heart with her bare hands.

  • Nicci Someone called Nadine* tries to seduce Richard; her plan is to have sex with his brother in front of him and invite him to join in. She is surprised when this doesn't work. Nicci's seduction tactics are surprisingly similar.

  • Nicci still tortures people in the service of the good guys, but now it's OK because she's doing it for the right reasons. It turns out that her badness was due to some evil commies taking over when she was young.

  • Drefan is Richard's half-brother and is evil. Richard turns out to have many evil half-brothers, one of whom starts off pretending to be a good guy, and then tries to outlaw fire with a moving speech about a housefire that reduces the crowd to tears.

  • Drefan demostrates his evilness by killing prostitutes.

  • Richard eventually kills Drefan by ripping his spine out through his stomach. Despite this, he is still able to have one last go with a sword before expiring.*

  • The Sisters of the Dark are some evil nuns. They have dirty monster sex with nambles and numerous other excuses for pointless gang-bangs.
  • Darken Rahl is the first bad guy, who turns out to be Richard's father, is killed by Richard at the end of the first book, but still manages to come back in several sequels. He had a cult of "Master Rahl worshippers" - these worshippers now worship Richard. His female red-leather-clad torturers, the Mord Sith, now also serve Richard.

  • Denna is the Mord-Sith that first captures Richard. She later turns out to just have had a difficult childhood.

  • Jagang is the leader of the Imperial Order, who are the main bad guys. Their philosophy is a bastard mix of communism and Islam, where everyone has to serve the collective and will go to heaven if they die in battle (or somesuch). Goodkind spends several pages at a time detailing the atrocities committed by the IO, in case we were in any doubt about whether they were the bad guys. They also make captured enemies eat their own testicles. They enjoy eating the testicles of captured enemies; it is Kahlan who makes enemies eat their own testicles.**

  • Princess Violet is the 8-year-old whose jaw gets kicked by Richard; she returns later with her tongue grown back, in the company of a witch called Six.

  • A Yeard is a word born of a typo, which now means the type of beard/ponytail combination sported by Goodkind himself.

  • Goodkind has some trouble with irregular past participles; he also overuses the words "thing" and "instantly," and parts of anatomy behave in peculiar ways (especially eyes). Many points are stated and re-stated to the point of utter redundancy. His book dedications are peculiar.

  • Ayn Rand is Goodkind's hero. People who Goodkind disapproves of are treated in other ways, such as the evil emperor Bertrand Chambor and his evil wife Hildemara, apparently based on the Clintons...

So, with that out of the way, here are the parodies - thanks to all contributors, who are credited to the creator's screen name.

*Thanks to Maija Toivola for the corrections.
**Correction by The Mad Moose


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just a quick line to say this must be one of the best sites on the internet!!

12:50 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Top notch!
this Blog is a work of (insane) genius!

3:36 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Have you even read the SoT series, or are you just going off of what you have seen at that acne-ridden teenage mastabitory site? I don\\\'t recognise much of anything from that list of happenings in the book. At least you said you got it off a thread that openly mocks Terry\\\'s books, so hopefully nobody with half a brain will actually think any of this crap is actually what happens in the books. lol...

1:07 am  
Blogger Alice said...

Hey, Anonymous 3! As it happens, all my Goodkind plot info comes from actual quotes from the Sword of Truth series, posted by the noble Mad Moose on the westeros forum, all referenced so you can check if you like. I will happily admit that I've only read Stone of Tears, and am glad of Moose's help so I don't have to read any more of those dreadful books.

10:58 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Must be nice to have this much free time. I really feel quite sorry for you.

11:10 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You do use some actual quotes, but you completely thrash any meaning the quotes actually have, and come up with your own meaning behind them. Your misuse of them in such ways then is just as bad as misquoting the books completely. Anybody can take situations out of context and either make the characters villians or heros, it does not take that much talent. The sad part is, you spend so much time dedicated to hate an author. How is that laughable to hate someone so much?

2:22 pm  
Blogger Alice said...

Dude, it's called cut'n'paste. It doesn't take a whole lot of time. And the ones by me, I did because I thought it was funny. Terry Goodkind has a philosophy that I find utterly vile, and I am glad to be able to rip the piss out of his objectionable works.

4:41 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel sorry for the people that read this before reading the books themselves, as when you take a quote out of context, it changes the meaning completely, as well as just makes it sound stupid. I also feel bad for you. Anyone who spends their time writing parodies for a series of books that they didn't even read is just sad. I'm sorry that this is the way you live your life.

5:55 pm  
Blogger Alice said...

Aw, that's sweet! Thanks for your concern - it's very big-hearted of you to care so much about the hobbies of people you've never met. Might I make a suggestion, though? If you'd like to defend Mr Goodkind's work in a way that doesn't just involve insults, you're very welcome to come to the forums and discuss it there, as this really isn't the place for it. Otherwise, the internet's a big place, and I'm sure you can find a site you enjoy reading more than this one. Have a nice day!

11:04 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great site Alice. Don't mind the Gars though, they do not eat much ;).

Stark Out!

8:44 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy crap!!! That's some of the funniest stuff I've read in a long time. Great work!

9:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, Goodkind fanboy/ realize these aren't little snips but pages worth of quotes? How else do you get them 'in context?'
Oh, waaait...

9:33 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Alice, I think this blog goes through the looking glass :)

Anonymous 3(based on style, mystar):
Nice to know that such crusaders as you still exist, oh honorable sir! Too bad that there is literature beside Terry Goodkind. Too bad, that other people do not like his prose. Too bad, that you have to accept that others can put their works on the internet as well.

7:06 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lol. Great site. And stand fast, Alice! You're doing great!

7:24 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well now I totally feel like there's no point in me putting up anything like this on my site :) And I hope you're not feeling discouraged by the devastating attacks launched by fans of SoT.

4:49 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I actually slogged through the first 5 books out of sheer boredom and lack of anything better to read (stuck in the boondocks with a whole lot of sci-fi/fantasy, no way to get any more, and I'd already re-read the good ones too many times). I kept hoping it would get better, but after the second book, it was just the trainwreck fascination that kept me at it for the next three. No matter how bad this article makes his books sound, they cannot do justice to the sheer mind-melting cheesiness of his writing.

8:27 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awesome stuff!!
Anyone who mocks the shambolic loon that is Goodkind is ok by me!! :)

3:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Clearly, Goodkind is fantasy for those idiots who think Card's Ender's Game is grand science fiction. How can the genre go wrong with slaughtering, genocidal maniacs at the helm? And how soon can I get off this m***f***in' boat. Snakes on the boat!

11:12 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Goodkind's writing is timeless....

It takes absolutely no time to decide to discard his books in favor of something more mentally stimulating... like the back of a cereal box.

6:48 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I will have to sue the owners of this website for attempted murder. On numerous occasions I succumbed in laughter which ended in fits.
Like many I was lured to the SoT series many years ago. And what started as a fun series (no more no less) ends in a rally at Wannsee.
I like that you proof “things” (yes!) I thought for some time but was too lazy to read back. I own only 1 TG book so if I wanted to read back I had to get them from the library.
It’s a shame you’re fighting an uphill battle bc TG can always justify the noble acts of his protagonists by making the bad guy’s more and more evil. Nevertheless, you can always resort in killing his readers for by reading they are just as guilty as the man himself.
Keep up the good work!

Exa Inova

10:42 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am a fan of the SoT series, and i also think Ender's Game is a good piece of But i love ur stuff its hilarious, i still will continue to love reading the series, but mein Gott i love what u have done here, friggin hilarious
keep up the good work

3:48 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for this glorious compilation of hilarity, and saving me the trouble of navigating the forums! I've spent the last 2 hours laughing my spinal column out through my stomach, repeatedly, in between bouts of mortal combat with my liberal-communist siblings. I admit to following the SoT series up until chainfire, clutching onto some hope that redemption was possible. I look at these quotes, pointing out the obvious, and can only wonder at how I managed to miss so much. I blame my lack of experience with fantasy at the time, and am happy to report my discovery of the many brilliant authours fantasy enjoys.

PS: I work in a book store, and met a customer in the fantasy section who had NEVER READ any fantasy novel aside from gookinds (!!!) - all of which he had read several times! I sacrificed my last copy of Lynch's LLL in an attempt to save him... I only hope it was not in vain.

10:02 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've read most of the SoT books and am working on the Naked Empire, but I have to admit that this is fairly accurate. I laughed so hard I shot soda out my nose.

7:34 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, Min!

Love all of this. Keep up the good work!

11:58 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The simple fact that you must take all of this out of context puts the lie to your purpose. Willfully turning away from the truth is treason to ones self, it is the wizard's 10th rule.

Come and talk about it:

3:30 pm  
Blogger Alice said...

Hi Adam,
I'd like to join in the debate on Facebook, but at the moment it seems to be members only. Just one small point, though - I'm not sure how you can say this is "out of context" when full quotes are provided in support. Could you point out some instances where the context is missing or inaccurate?

5:15 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You can always PM me on facebook and we can talk if you don't wish to join the group. Otherwise I offer this example of how most of this is out of context.

It says, "They enjoy eating the testicles of captured enemies; it is Kahlan who makes enemies eat their own testicles.**"

Actually this only happened one time, and it was to a man who rapes and murders young boys.

10:43 pm  
Blogger Alice said...

Hmm, yes. And to give it even more context, this testicle-eating happened just after Kahlan had wiped this man's personality with her Confessor power. This is a very morally complex situation (is torture ever right? Is the personality-wiped guy still punishable for his past actions? Isn't personality-wipe punishment enough? etc) that is just written off with some knee-jerk vengeance. For a someone with a supposed interest in philosophy, Goodkind ignores all the implications and goes for the Bronze Age eye-for-an-eye method without even blinking.

12:42 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are ignoring the nature of the confessor’s power. It is the power of love, and as such, being able to acquiesce to Kahlan’s request would give him insurmountable joy. Frankly it would have been worse for him to simply have had Kahlan say that she was displeased with him. The punishment he was given was for our benefit.

6:17 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Adam, you're joking, right? That has to be the stupidest thing I've heard all week. Are you actually trying to say that Kahlan did this man a favor by making him rip off and eat his own balls?

12:38 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually the part about "they eat the testicles of their enemies" is not in reference to what Kahlan did to Demmin Nass in WFR, but is rather quoted from a later book (apologies I am not certain which one - might be Faith of the Fallen) and refers to the Imperial army who feed these "delicacies" to their soldiers.

This is one of a number of pathetic and obvious devices used to clue the reader in to who the bad guys are.

I don't actually mind this kind of purile nonsense in fantasy novels, the genre is littered with other similar examples. However when the author believes his work to be something beyond a normal everyday pulp fantasy novel and gives verbose, arrogant and philosophically driven speaches about how it is not merely fantasy but a story about "important human themes" I am just forced to laugh and call him on his BS.

4:30 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...I'll that say that the Confessor's power is not love. How can it be one when the person's affected is wiped out of the very core of their personality? Sure, some people turn stupid or obedient when they're 'in love', and may experience times when they completely overly devoted to their 'loved ones' but many of these are unhealthy relationships and is not love at all (I will also argue that this people already had in they nature to be etremely devoted or stupid when in love. In Kahlan's case, she wipes every trace of personality in the person and turns into a shell).

What Kahlan's power is is blind, obessive devotion, the one that leads to self-destruction. It is a mockery of love.

4:09 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you very very much.
I read up to book 4 before my brain froze. Kept being told that it gets better.
I can not understand how someone can be so self righteous. Either as a character in a book, or the author of that book.
The irony is that he is chopping and changing his opinion in every book it seems.

Thank you for providing me some laughter and finally vindicating my dislike of Goodkind.

12:37 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The last link, Essays on the Sword of Truth, is broken, I believe. I actually enjoyed this series when I began reading it in high school, which disturbs the hell out of me now. To "the wolf maid": I'm pretty sure Goodkind describes Kahlan's power as 'love' because he thinks actual love IS destructive, just any other altruistic or non-selfish impulse. At least Ayn Rand had an excuse for being so warped....

8:22 am  
Blogger Alice said...

Good call on the broken link - now fixed.

2:21 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you, dear Sir, for all your hard work. Goodkind is the absolute biggest purveyor of dreck (not to be confused with Malazan D'rek, which is much better) in fantasy today. I hate his books with the white hot passion of 1,000 burning suns. Magic nipples, erect war wizard outfits, testicle eating and killer chickens - it all sucks. Thanks for pointing it out in a humorous way.

4:13 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Goddamn it Min, why haven't you posted my brilliant masterpiece "Red Yeards Under Red Gars" yet?

3:14 am  
Blogger Alice said...

Try looking under "Goodkind meets Scott Lynch" - it's right there!

1:52 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stormbringer951 off the forums

Why don't you include more on the chicken that was not a chicken scene? It cracks me up - people don't get that Goodkind is pure comedic genius.

10:01 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My friend reads Sword of truth and gets something out of it. Does that mean he is an insane self righteous objectivist? Not really.

After reading much of Goodkind's interview quotes it was hard for me personally to stomach reading the rest of the series.

Something about him seemed bloated,egotistical, self serving, and ill informed.

I won't pick on him for being dyslexic because that is unfair.
I won't even say everything he writes utterly sucks.

I will admit there is better literature out there.

However in the end I've seen "GoodKind hate" taken to the ridiculous low of ostracizing fantasy readers just for having enjoyed SOT and that is taking it too far.

Just because someone enjoyed an author's books doesn't mean they're similiar to the author in real life. Have fun with the truly hilarious farces posted here but at the same time don't get too fanatical in your angst lest you become no better than the person you criticize.

8:30 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wonderful blog! I picked up "Stone of Tears" at a library sale, and I'd got the idea of reading as much fantasy I could to work out how not to write dreck.

Looking back, there was very little sense I could make out of it, so I read some others, and couldn't make any sense out of them either, so I quietly dropped them.

The only part of Terry Goodkind's entire series that I actually liked, was when Richard was moving around through the Sylf - if I remember correctly - and is wearing that coat and carrying that knife, and is slowly turning into that non-human ... that seemed to be the only part of the entire series where Richard is an actual person. The rest of the time he's a "cypher", and so is the Confectioner - oops, Confessor, who I couldn't believe in, either.

10:28 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahaha, this was funny. I've read SoT up through the end of Fait of the Fallen. While I have enjoyed reading the books, I can't ignore some of the weird and silly crap that happens in them.

2:57 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Also: Disliking and author and his works is fine, hating him is a bit extreme. on the other hand, hating someone for disliking an author you like is equally absurd.

3:03 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is suprising that another human being would try to put someones work down "just for fun". It is hard work to write a novel and bigger and smarter people than you decide whether writing is crap and decide not to publish it. What your doing is called the Tall Poppy Syndrome - Trying to cut a successful person down because they have made it. Lets hope that Karma doesn't come back to bite you on the ass.

11:32 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In response to the above, I think people make fun of goodkinds books because the ideas they promote are disgusting and disturbing. Not just "for fun"

8:20 am  
Blogger Alice said...

Thanks for your comments, Anonymous 11.32. I'd like to make three points in reply:

1) I've never understood the argument that you need to be an expert in a field in order to criticise it. I'm no film director, but I have no trouble asserting that The Phantom Menace is a pile of shit. I also don't need to have worked as Chancellor of the Exchequer to figure out that Gordon Brown did a piss-poor job of managing the economy. Particularly in the case of books, the readers are the best people to be making the criticisms, as we are the people that are supposed to be buying the things.

2) It's a bit dim to be equating popularity with quality. The song "Poing topped the charts in several countries, but I don't think anyone would try to argue that it was actually any good. Likewise, witness the runaway success of the Left Behind series, some of the worst books ever to be published. Publishers want what sells, and that's not necessarily the same as what's good.

3) I do love your comment that the publishers are "bigger and smarter" than me, and so I should take their opinion instead of my own. Whatever happened to Using my Reason, eh? Go on, just tell me that Richard Is Always Right and get it over with.

Anonymous 8.20 is exactly right - Goodkind's philosophy is horrific, and deserves all the mockery we can throw at it.

12:47 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've read the entire SoT series in chronological order, and must confess that everything in this site is absolutely true. When I read the first one, Wizards' First Rule, I thought it was a pretty good fantasy book. As the series progressed, it became increasingly mediocre and excrutiatingly patronizing. Like a good addict, though, I just had to know what would happen with the Jagang fellow. Every new installment, worse that the previous one, left me with the bitter dissapointment that Richard wouldn't kill the commie Mongol. Again, I felt cheated of my $10-$15. The human drama became increasingly stupid: (1) Richard would always end up naked in bed with willing beatiful women, but nothing would happen. (2) Far too many rapes. In the books, "rape" must be as common as the conjugations of the verb "to be". Also, it was treated as a casual event. Women raped acted as if some bad guy stole from them a parking spot, not as a massive traumatic experience. Anyway, the list can go on ad nauseam.

9:48 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your site is both awesome and hilarious. That is all.

7:48 pm  
Blogger whitetower said...

I find it odd to see that some believe that the ideas promoted by Goodkind are "disturbing" and "horrific."

I think the point of Goodkind's books is to oppose those ideas that *are* disturbing and horrific, i.e. collectivism -- religion and communism.

Jagang and the Imperial Order are the perfect poster-children for collectivists.

5:59 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you sure that Richard is opposed to religious devotion? I seem to recall one scene in which the Mord Sith actually *bow* and pray to him (something along the lines of "Master Rahl guide us. Master Rahl teach us. Master Rahl protect us. In your light we thrive. In your mercy we are sheltered. In your wisdom we are humbled. We live only to serve. Our lives are yours"). Perhaps the reason that many consider Goodkind's books "disturbing" and "horrific" is the inconsistency between Richard's words and deeds. Goodkind claims to extol reason and the ability to think for yourself, but the message he actually delivers is that Richard Is Always Right.

10:09 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Teehee, I just finished the series. I enjoyed it. Cause Richard is my; little girl kicking, hippie slaying, chicken choking, super genius, improbably intuitive, gar raising hero! Huzzah! Luuug raaach aaargh lawngg tiiiiime!

11:04 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To tell you the truth I'm a big fan of The SoT series. However, I found most of this stuff hilarious. That being said I truly don't care. I read the series for enjoyment purposes and if you are reading the series for any other purpose it's purely a waste of time.

If you wish to debate my views feel free. However I most likely won't(Yeah, not a real word. Get over it.) be returning and as such won't see your responses.

(Also avoid reading anything that Goodkind, the author says. He comes across as a pompous ass.)

1:23 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

After approximately 9,000 pages of The Sword of Truth I knew that I was in trouble when nothing was settled with just 100 pages left in the "Confessor." In the last instant the untouchable Six was melted, the invincible Jagang simply had a ring placed on his neck and was killed and the vast unbeatable Peoples' Army was wished into the cornfield. Why didn't he just have Richard wake up from a bad dream.

3:50 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Having read all the books, I enjoyed the series. Yes, I caught on to the hypocrasy more than once, though if you read the end you would know that some of it got "fixed", but I agree it should have been done earlier, if he really had been such a great objectivist. I agree with the ideas of objectivism, but am willing to accept that people don't agree with them, and thats the way they choose to live. I found most of the work written on here funny as hell, and practically cheered for the Fear and Loathing one, because I believe it to be on of the greatest movies ever. And I agree on the whole issue of the Confessors, I thought they were a bad idea from the start, and when their power(specifically, what it does) was revieled, I realized it was an entirely shitty idea. Something that I think should have been mentioned, remember the guy wrongfully accused of raping the child, when it had been Dennim that actually did. He was touched by the power proven he was not guilty, and what, returned to normal. No, they turned him into an animal, which "gave him back a small measure of himself" This killed any like of confessors I may have still had. So you are touched by the confessor power, proven innocent, then told "whoops, sorry about that, here, we'll turn you into a wolf who is still very fanatically devoted to the confessor, but not AS badly, that makes what we did to you okay, right?" My answer was no, it wouldn't be. I was surprised when the Parodies didn't have that one in there.

5:25 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This blog is the cause of my lost sleep last night! It was simply too funny for me to stop reading until long past when I should have been asleep.

Sadly, I once read books by Goodkind. Then I found decent authors, like Pratchett, Martin, and Bujold. Now I don't need to read anymore dreck to entertain myself.

4:05 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Weird. The parodies themselves actually bored the crap out of me, but I was laughing my ass off at the summaries at the top.

Ah, Terry Goodkind. You don't NEED to be parodied. :)

(And I say that as someone who enjoyed the series no less!)

10:35 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Quote of the Day:

"Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit, twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant?"

Richard Rahl?... No! Though it sounds like something RR would say, It was Gunnery Sergeant Hartman in Full Metal Jacket.

I bet DickHard was once in the Marine Corps :)

8:11 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a pretty great collection, I especially liked the essays. Those really point out everything that's wrong with this series.

I actually sort of liked the first two SoT books; they weren't great, as far as fantasy goes, but at least decent enough to make me keep on reading. But when that hundred-page-long torture/rape/whinefest-ordeal started, followed by the autocastration of that pedo guy, I sort of started wondering just what the hell kind of perverted morality those "heroes" are supposed to represent (seriously, Confessors are the worst literary idea ever - that mindraperess Kahlan deserves every single bad thing that happens to her, and worse.)

Curiously, I felt much less sympathy for that poor little boy from book one - he got so little screentime, I guess he was just a nonperson to me. Whatever hatred for the villain Goodkind tried to stir up with that, he failed miserably. And you would suppose that's a bad thing, considering what fantasy is usually about.

But when you really think about it, this is actually a great representation of everything that's wrong with moralities that focus on sides and ideals instead of actions. On the one hand, you have the childkiller Darken Rahl (evil overlord extraordinaire), who certainly is evil enough in his own right. But, on the other hand, you have his son Richard Rahl - a psychopathic mass-murderer with his own deluded cult of personality, accompanied by his pet monster Kahlan, who makes people eat their own balls through mind-control. It's like watching a deathmatch of Hitler versus Stalin, you can't decide who you'd like to see dead MORE.

Taken together, this makes it kind of hard to sympathize with anyone in the books, really. The only people you can really relate to are the innocent victims, like that poor boy who didn't even get more than four of five lines, because heroes and villains are both equally monstrous.

4:29 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Got the feeling Goodkind wrote himself into Temple of the Winds as Drefan. That character seemed to have the least amount of banal dialouge and likes to imagime he has a superior intellect. Sure hates women doesn't he?

2:20 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This page is a valuable public service. Major thanks to the folks who altruistically sacrificed their own time to put this together.

To hell with all writers that rely on strawman characters to sell their own pet Mary Suetopian ideals, regardless of what ideology they adhere to.

12:43 am  
Blogger Unknown said...

Heya! Just came over here (followed a link from Uncle Steve's LJ) and thought I'd mention another part-parody (I say 'part' because it also mocks Warcraft and, well, Other Things Too).

The semi-parody is Looking For Group - a webcomic. Richard, the War wiz... Uh, Warlock, does Evil Things and Kills People. Other things happen too, but TBH Richard is my favourite character ;)

Here's one of the 'Sword Of Truth' moments :D

9:10 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great summary! I read the SoT series through maybe the 6th book but eventually just felt plain offended by everything he wrote. The bulleted list of excerpts above are dead on accurate and really not taken out of context.

I did take amusement at one TG's dedications to the intelligence community -- written during the time of several massive US intelligence failures!

While I salute TG for managing to write and publish so many pages of fantasy novels, I suspect that he is deluded and/or a total nut case. He'd be a great running mate for Ron Paul.

1:25 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been a Goodkind fan for many years, and I must say, I'm offended at the content. His beautiful book has brought to light many important issues that many others have been too cowardly to expose. Most notable of these is the threat of chickens. I commend Goodkind's bravery for finally exposing their malevolent treachery by giving one of their foul ilk such a prominent place in his story. And you would dare mock such an important accomplishment! When the evil Chicken King is raping your nubile flesh in his Coop of Horror, you will be sorry. Sorry, I say!


4:37 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, god, I have been laughing like a drain at this. Wonderful stuff!

But beware, beware, my dear, there's something nasty in the woodshed - could it be a CHICKEN OF EVIL?

11:08 pm  
Blogger Blueblah said...

Ok, just this to the third anonymous poster.... your just giving the person who made the article more justification to believe every reader of the SoT is an idiot by making such weak arguments so pelase stop.

As for the original poster, can i please ask, do you think that everyone who has read SoT are idiots or just Goodkind. I mean, I am well aware of the latent problems in the series (it would help if Mr Goodkind took so severe writing lessons for starters! also, he could kill off Richard and I would feel much safer reading them for it.... or at least stop him from making speeches but anyway...!) but some problems exist in almost every fantasy work. I mean, one of the most promoted works I have seen on the anti-goodkind forums is the WoT series by Robert Jordan, which I am reading currently and so far, I could pcik a million and one problems there as well... but at least I would not misquote or promote issues that are misquoted. Furthermore, when your talking about people doing bad things in the series for good reasons and using that as a criticism your ignoring the fact that even Kant, who was one of the strongest proponents of wrong being wrong, could not deny that sometimes (ie ticking bomb situations) need people who will act immorally in dangerous situations. But yeah.... as you said you havent read the books, so your not going to be able to answer my problems with your criticisms. however, i feel you should lay off goodkind's novels until you actually read them, otherwise your a poor critic!

5:17 pm  
Anonymous David said...

The first three books (Wizard's First Rule, Stone of Tears, Blood of the Fold) could have made a pretty OK standalone trilogy. Nothing great, nothing of the caliber of Martin, for instance, but perfectly mediocre fantasy.

Then, book four threw everything open again, but was still relatively unobjectionable.

Then, book five began throwing in the objectivist rants, and the series took a nosedive. FotF, especially, is a paean to unrestrained Randian libertarianism, using some of the worst strawmen ever concieved. And it GETS WORSE.

Dear God, I'm glad I stopped reading after Chainfire.

11:54 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4:42 am  
Blogger bloggeratf said...

The humor kind of sneaks up on you as you work your way down. By the 10th one I had a big smile, and by the 20th I was laughing my ass off. I'm posting this up for sure. Keep it up.

4:14 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Although Richard was far from perfect, I think it was what made him human. Hating the Author and accussing him of thinking like Richard is not fair to him. He made an imperfect character making his personality more real than a simple fairy tail and the knight in shining armor.

4:02 am  
Anonymous Josher said...

Don't forget, Richard was the one who orpaned Gratch.

2:46 am  
Anonymous Josher said...

Richard also describes himself as a monster in Stone of Tears.

2:48 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I lead a good life. I try not to judge. I understand that not everyone has the same taste as I do. Live and let live.

But I have one exception to that rule, and his name is Terry Goodkind.. I made it through his first four books before I rid myself of my masochism.

I wish not to enumerate the ways in which I find the writing atrocious. I am glad there are sane people who recognize this too.

10:58 pm  
Anonymous Ralph said...

that Kahlan woman, looking back, was messed up in major ways, and was a master of disproportionate retribution. Richard was easily as bad as what he fought, and I would not be surprised if a few years later another Seeker comes along looking for Richard's head.

The political stance: revolting
The governments: unrealistic

oh, and I made a little stab at Objectivism in one arc of a story of mine if anybody's interested

3:46 am  
Anonymous Kroveechernila said...

Alice Brighton, you're a genius. Will you marry me? I can cook.

8:13 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You seem to like to dance around the truth. You also have an annoying habbit of picking and chosing lines out of context. This can be done with any book to make it seem to say what you want it to. Furthermore, you are still only helping Goodkind by making this site. People will still read the books based on what you say, just to get a 'laugh' or something. Then, when they finally find out how wrong you are, you will have earned Mr. Goodkind a new fan. (or possibly several depending on how many people they tell) I expect that Goodkind greatly appreciates people like you that give him free publicity.

8:48 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This absolutely made my day. Thank you for the wonderful parody!

5:27 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:36 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A long time ago I read the first book in this series because the reviews seemed good and the book store seemed to be promoting it (I've chanced on some pretty good reads doing this, Rothfuss & Sanderson books namely). It was the first time in a while that I was content with not reading the rest of a series. Frankly, Goodkind was a bad writer who I bore no ill will.

For a while I forgot about it until I was searching amazon one day and was reading reviews for the same book (random browsing and not looking at titles). I couldn't believe the 4-5 star reviews. I thought his books fit more in with teenage drama / angst type literature, not fantasy.

In the spirit of keeping this short, I researched a little about the rest of the series. I very much enjoy this site, as it almost sums up how I feel about this author.

4:34 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...
My friend reads Sword of truth and gets something out of it. Does that mean he is an insane self righteous objectivist? Not really.

After reading much of Goodkind's interview quotes it was hard for me personally to stomach reading the rest of the series.

Something about him seemed bloated,egotistical, self serving, and ill informed.

I won't pick on him for being dyslexic because that is unfair.
I won't even say everything he writes utterly sucks.

I will admit there is better literature out there.

However in the end I've seen "GoodKind hate" taken to the ridiculous low of ostracizing fantasy readers just for having enjoyed SOT and that is taking it too far.

Just because someone enjoyed an author's books doesn't mean they're similiar to the author in real life. Have fun with the truly hilarious farces posted here but at the same time don't get too fanatical in your angst lest you become no better than the person you criticize.

8:30 AM

Thank you mystery anonymous person for putting my thoughts into words without me having to do anything now thats that done

A chicken thats not a chicken...REALLY COME ON

4:59 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read up to The Pillars of Creation in high school/first year of college. At the time I thought they were odd but addictive, like a trainwreck (that someone else has already mentioned). I was unfamiliar with Ayn Rand and objectivism until several years later, but the SoT series lines up with that foul doctrine quite well. The bullet points are exactly what happens, as crazy and nonsensical as they are. The book is filled with awful ideas and even worse characters. Terry Goodkind is a Randian lickspittle and a hilariously bad author. I wish I could get the time I spent reading his books back...

6:06 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for this. It is a relief to know other people read these books with the same sense of horrified fascination.

12:38 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Most of these things are true but are completely taken out of context. Ive read the entire SoT series and love them dearly. However i still found this quite funny. It reminded me of that one stargate episode where they were making fun of early stargate..

1:04 am  
Anonymous Foestar said...

Well despite being a big Terry fan I must say some of the things were funny. Most of it though were bad attempts to mock something that the writer themselves didn't understand. No offense, I personally liked the books and you obviously didn't. Nothing wrong with that and you can feel free to post all you want. I did find some humor in it and I'm sure even Mr. Goodkind himself would. But these are just words people, and they only go as far as who reads them.

I will say that despite some of the quotes being taken directly from the book, they are taken way out of context that you could find any silly meaning to put to them for humor. None the less, it was an interesting quick read. Chances are though I will never come back to read them again so I wont complain and scream "TERRY MAKES MONEY! DO YOU?" while stomping my feet like some of the other posters. lol

9:13 pm  
Blogger machinery said...

much as i have come to dislike goodkind's books, i have to say a few things :
1) he actually finished his series, unlike a certain fat guy who blogs about figurines and sports and calendars.
2) if goodkind had tried to shorten the story, it would have been a masterpiece.
3) almost any long series has it's problem, unless it's focused on specific storylines, with specific story mechanism.
3) this hatred of goodkind is pathetic.

7:04 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, Goodkind describes a talking dragon. How hilarious! Obviously, a serious writer knows that dragons cannot talk.

Morevoer, Goodkind dragons are not breast-feed by a 14 years old girl. How hilarous! A serious writer knows that dragons need teen-ager nurses to grow.....

9:45 am  
Blogger Virginia said...

If you guy's hate the books (and obviously Terry Goodkind) so much, then why do you read them? I mean, you don't have to like Goodkind's style of writing or the ideals that he portrays in his books, but you don't have to bash on them either.

3:58 pm  
Blogger Ferrsai said...

Any writing can be torn apart like this and be made to look ridiculous. Overall, I liked the series. Nothing in this world is perfect.

I don't know that the books could be seen as terrible enough to justify this kind of fanatical effort. Personally, I think expressing ones opinion on the level of this blog borders on lunacy and is likely a depraved cry for attention. OH!!! Look at me, I have an opinion like everybody else!!! But MINE is louder!! Thus, it is RIGHT and BETTER!

Read'em for yourself, make your own opinion. I found them entertaining, not everyone will. Whether you enjoy them or you do not, I'm pretty sure you're not any less intelligent, or less of a person because of it as some people would seem to want to make you think.

The concept of context:

1. The circumstances that form the setting for an event, statement, or idea, and in terms of which it can be fully understood and assessed.

The books actually don't require any defending. They do alright on their own. GG

1:06 am  
Anonymous EntropyAnn said...

Sword of Truth is alright. If he'd done like they did in Pillars of Creation and relegated the story Mary Sues to secondary roles from thereon in, Goodkind would have saved himself a lot of grief and probably salvaged himself as a writer. Instead, he used Kahlan and Richard as author inserts, ruining what was otherwise a halfway decent story.

12:36 am  
Anonymous Andrew said...

While I don't really agree with much you wrote here some of the goodkind meets so and so are funny. I do Want to point out some errors. Kahlan only makes one person eat their own testicals. That person murdered and raped dozens of young boys. She also did it in a fit of rage after she thought Richard was dead. Honestly. I think we should have every child rapest cut off their own testicles and eat them then die. I call that justic. Also Richard never eats meat. Or goes on about meat after book 1. I am sure their are others. But don't feel the need to nit pick them all after I find a few mistakes I just take it all as humor not something of any value. Also why would you start with anything other than book one? No one is a perfect writer. Not everyone has to enjoy every writer. But just cuz you don't like something does not mean it does not have value or is good. I really dislike lord of the rings. I think he was a really bad writer. But I also know it's just me and I don't need to spread my venom around. I also read all the books before I juged him.

7:45 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I stumbled upon this blog today while looking up info on Goodkind for the fun of it. I hadn't known of the hatred the masses felt for the man! After reading several quotes by him, however, that became readily apparent. I have read the SoT series in it's entirety several times, and enjoyed it. That was probably because I was 11 at the time, and was unable to perceive it's massive flaws. I found this blog to be hilarious, and entirely accurate. I also feel a little guilty about the fact that I began his latest novel today, but I'm going to read it anyway!

8:34 am  
Anonymous Steven said...

The Sword of Truth bemused me, frankly. While I find objectivism to verge on the solipsistic, I failed to have the same vehement loathing to Rand's seminal texts as I did with SoT. Undoubtedly they employ the same absolute moral principles while pitching their author avatars against absurd political strawmen. They both ruin the narrative through obscenely long and excruciatingly long monologues of the kitchen sink variety.

But... well -- Rand's works were honest representations of her philosophy and anyone who picked up Atlas Shrugged had a good idea of what they were getting into or soon found out. This isn't so for Goodkind. He produced what I would call mediocre if not terrible standard fantasy fare with some veiled allusions to more right-wing beliefs in his first books. These steadily take an increasingly radical tone, culminating with his Thus Spoke Zarathustra fan-fiction. I felt hoodwinked personally, as a series completionist, in epic fashion. Furthermore, as someone who lives and breathes fantasy literature, what Goodkind did with the smattering of SoT with tropes and concepts he lifted from superior texts felt something like a violation. He didn't improve upon them or develop them in any meaningful fashion, he degraded them into his easiest-fit lowest common denominator style of world building and character design.

I was particularly appalled with the mindless and utterly meaningless use of sexual violence to prove his strawmen were superterribaderific. Along with the general thematic resentment for all magic or magical creatures. It felt like he was taking Tinkerbelle, molesting her just enough to be disgusting, and then curb stomping her with relish. It's not a pleasant thought.

Considering the lows the "heroes" sinks to in the story, sexual assault as the party game of Evil Empire and Co was the only way to maintain the designated good-guy role without actually correcting his frequent hypocrisy. That and "wicked smirks".

Having all things fantastic and magical being made out to be eldrich abominations or otherwise implicitly horrific, I suspect was the only way an absolutely atheistic and "rational" worldview like objectivism could possibly be taken seriously (using the term loosely) in a fantasy world. It's difficult to accomplish such an extreme form of self-centred morality unless the characters are capable of dismissing the various supernatural beings and forces which they've met, spoken with and... are. For instance, the idea that this "creator" the Evil Empire speaks of might actually exists and agree with their collectivist worldview is hardly unreasonable when they've fought the actual devil and perform miraculous feats at key climax points. So Tinkerbelle has to die, don't you dare clap or it might invalidate their insanity with a higher moral order.

These books did what none had succeeded in doing before, make me apathetic and even angry at fantasy as a genera. Just for allowing this to be published and read internationally as if it were the equal of Tolkien, Sanderson, Lieber, Le Guinn, Rothfuss or Jordon to name a few. The high school-level prose and plot holes you could drive Richard's ego through weren't a big help either.

Because I felt somewhat tricked into the series, (particularly after learning it was Goodkind's intention to take the objectivist route all along) I'm profoundly glad this blog exists. No one should unknowingly subject themselves to this level of disillusionment and idiocy by naively picking up SoT off the shelf simply because it employs the shallow surface of a fantasy novel. "How bad could it be?" is no longer my default mode of picking summer reading.

So thank you for this blog, for the next person who comes along and is now wiser.

1:42 am  
Anonymous Jay said...

I just finished SoT today, and enjoyed the series greatly. It's a fantasy book, so I don't really impose my restrictions on it. It's a different world, with different history, and different societies, and cultures.

I really enjoyed them, and having borrowed them from a friend, I'll now be buying my own set. That being said: Quite a few of the things above made me laugh.

I'd again lean on the defense that it's like 7 or 8000 pages of book, written over nearly 10 years, a few inconsistencies should be expected. The thing that I liked was it took me on a crazy journey. I enjoyed the characters. I think their flaws and complexes defined them and made them easier to connect with.

1:59 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a major fan of the books, I really enjoyed this site. xD A few of the things didn't happen though. Obviously, there was more to all of the things here. But still, this entire thing is really funny. I just used "thing" a lot. Terry Goodkind has taught me well.

1:02 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate that most of this is correct. I fully realize the ideology is retarded, the writing is poor, and the characters are predictable, but for some ungodly reason, I love this series. Honestly though you should read the whole series before writing critique, it definitely has its moments.

5:36 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mr. Goodkind, we will stop lampooning your works if you just promise us that you will never reproduce.

2:33 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm gonna be honest, a lot of this stuff made me want to read these books, but apparently it's not supposed to be a comedic series?

I'm slightly confused. Beating up 8 year old girls and eating balls and stuff, I mean, like, this is supposed to be some kind of post-modern humorous fantasy series, right?

10:06 am  
Anonymous noname99 said...

Man oh man, hard to believe there are this many intelligent people who read the SOT series, and hated it, or started the series, and hated it. Terry Goodkind and Terry Brooks are my favorite 2 fantasy authors and I believe their books are entertaining and intersting. I never took them to heart, never thought the author was proposing an idealogy, it's just a fantasy novel, and a way to make money.

3:08 pm  
Blogger Ilya said...

I met aforementioned fellow at the BangOn! party in Bushwick and he deployed precisely the words I expected. Mainly scary ideas about cultural subordination and the loss of real men. All of this turgid purple prose belongs in an Indiana Jones warehouse.

Alice, I appreciate your work. As someone who read this slop in my 12 year-old period (it lasted a year), I appreciate your efforts toward keeping writers honest.

P.S. I am a robot.[AUTO-GENERATED MESSAGE 356]

7:20 am  
Blogger Jim Wilbourne said...

These are excellent!
Though, it is worth pointing out that some of these show that those characters aren't perfect or completely moral. Which is okay in fiction...
But when you add them up and toss in some nipple magic, you can't deny that something went wrong.

8:49 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cultural subordination and the loss of real men, though I would describe it as the masculine minded man, are real problems in te real world. I would agree the there is no concept of a "real man" except in imagined preconceived notions. Maybe you've figures that our since posting this.

5:49 pm  
Blogger Unknown said...

lol dude seriously? Have you read the books? Cuz most of what I saw here did happen in the books. Or are you so brainwash by Richard/Goodkind that you can't even see it? Please dont speak badly of master rahl...

4:19 pm  
Blogger asdsdadsds said...

Thanks bro ...
“Yes I’m seeking for someone, to help me. So that some day I will be the someone to help some other one.”
“God created you to be in the world.
You are in the world to fulfil a specific mission.”

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9:05 am  
Blogger Lir Talan said...

I've been reading through the old threads on the forum, and decided to check out your page here of the collected parodies - most of them I don't find all that funny, but I loved the Shakespeare one.

Mainly I am relieved to know that other people have the same issues with TG and his work that I do - the books are reprehensible and the ideology is vile, the prose and worldbuilding laughably bad and there is no character development to speak of. I was saved from reading all the books by finding these threads, and I appreciate greatly all the time and effort that went into doing this. Much love!

7:50 pm  
Blogger hrhr said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:14 am  
Anonymous SwordsKingdomUK said...

Buy the Sword from legend of the seeker movie from swordskingdom.

12:33 pm  

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