Friday, January 12, 2007

Goodkind meets bad porn

The Purple Sword of Passion


Kahlan's ample marble cupolas heaved in awaitance as she spied Richard's velociraptor-eyed form coming through the dungeon door. He looked splendid in his black latex Cosplay Wizard outfit. His oiled muscles bulged visibly under it, and so did his D'Haran love sausage of truth.

Kahlan was a long-haired woman, but Richard's hair was longer. She slid her experienced fingers down his magnificent yeard and undid his ponytail. His hair fell loose in a waterfall of manly, uncompromising ebony that cascaded past his knees, past his ankles, and pooled on the floor like a pool of starless night. Kahlan's white Confessor dress thing and red lace traveling panties followed.

"Screwhammer, be true this day," Richard said solemnly.

Richard instantly surrendered himself into a dance of life. The memories of all the former Seekers flooded into him, and he moved with the sleek grace of a velociraptor in heat, making not a slightest error as he twirled around like a hurricane of unstoppable blind lust. Boiling hot wetnesses, alabaster pillars, delicious rose puddings, twinned ecstasy mounds, soaking wet hotnesses, and turgid melons flew past him as he felled Kahlan and everyone else in the room within mere seconds.

Bringer of petit morte.

"Oh Richard, plunge your engorged D'Haran sword of passion into my exotic orchid!" Kahlan ejaculated.

With a metallic ring that cut the air into thin slices, so thin that they were transparent, Richard drew forth his mighty meat mace, which had the word Truth engraved in it. No collectivist could ever have such a wondrous sexual eggplant, as those people were without exception acting out of jealousy and justified sense of inferiority and thus wished to surgically, yet as painfully as possibly, truncate every man's stiff, proud flagpole of individuality into dismal but uniform one and a half inches, as was the custom in Jagang's evil Empire. There the wretched citizens gave sexual relations away for free in marriages or brutal gang rapes, while the exchange of money for such acts, which was the only natural and Capitalist way of things, as well as the only way of love that loved life and hated death, was forbidden under the pain of being tortured to death, just like all Collectivists everywhere and in all times wanted it to be.

Bringer of petit morte.

Richard's massive shotgun of masculine desire was naturally 27 inches long, he reflected instantly, a fact that reflected his inner Fabioan superhumanity, just like Kahlan's cup size (D) reflected hers, but he was able to make it as long and hard as he wished using his unique Cosplay Wizard powers. Without delay he made it a hundred times harder than diamond and 74 inches long tumescent test tube of blood and ardour which he plunged to the hilt into Kahlan's creamy softness.

Bringer of petit morte.

Kahlan gasped. Richard gasped. Zedd gasped. Betty the goat wagged her tail and gasped. The namble gasped. All the men gasped. Purple passion swept over them like a tissue over a wet stain under a rising moon.

- Nerdanel

Suggested Sword of Truth porn titles


- Debt of Boners
- Gars 'n Garters
- Bringer of Death (and also, KY Jelly)
- War Wizards Do It In a Rage
- Agiel Envy: How Every Lesbian Needs a Strong Man in their Lives
"The Seduction of Kahlan"
"Dominating Lesbians Choose to Follow Richard"
"Gracchhh luggg Racharggg"
"All Additive Action"
"Subtractive Sluts"
"Bags V: The Helmet of Zedd"
"Whore Wizard Outfit"
- VigoTheCarpathian

"Kahlan Does D'Hara"
"Wizard's First Lay"
"Naked Empire" (can't argue when the man gives us the title himself!)
"Debt of Bonin'"
"Orgasm"
- Jaxom1974

Chick That Isn't A Chick
- Exa Inova


Some excerpts...


"His noble testicles bounced individually, not as one in a collective scrotum. It was for this reason only that Richard had not cut off one of his giantic balls, in order that they might not appear to be communist." (could be adapted for breast description, as well)

"Richard's hard-on of freedom had no false gods holding it down: it stood erect, on its own as a testament to all of those who would be their own people. The Imperial crowd wept, and started rioting"

"Zedd's skinny, aged frame stood naked in the doorway. "Bags!", he exclaimed, as he stared at his wrinkly old man balls."
- VigoTheCarpathian

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's a difference between Terry Goodkind and bad porn?

2:25 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How come this mash between bad porn and TG is actually better than most of the "porn"scenes in his books?

4:06 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First, I must say that I really enjoyed Goodkinds books, but I do agree that the Objectivist views in his books are a little ridiculous...also, this short story is, if not a little raunchy, is hilarious

3:39 am  

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