The Goodkind Parodies

Revised! 31/08/06

These were all posted on the Let's Mock Terry Goodkind threads at westeros.org by me and various people, and I've decided to collect them all into one place for the sake of posterity. The Mad Moose has kindly provided links to all the actual Goodkind quotes these are lampooning, but if you can't be bothered to read them all (or if Terry's prose makes your eyes hurt) here is a quick summary:

Richard | Kahlan | Other Wizards | Nicci | Goats, Gars and other animals | The Bad Guys | Terry Goodkind | The Parodies!

• Richard Rahl is the hero. He wields the Sword of Truth, which has the word "Truth" embossed on the handle, and is powered by rage. He is also a War Wizard, which is basically a type of rare wizard that can do all sorts of special magic. He is used as the paragon of morals and virtue, and of Objectivist doctrine. He wears what is described as a "war wizard outfit."


• While being tortured by the enemy, Richard used his magic power to kick an (evil) 8-year-old girl in the jaw in a convoluted escape plot; the phrase used by Goodkind to describe this power is "Richard's thing rose up in him".


• Richard originally stops eating meat when he becomes a wizard, but eventually Goodkind changes his mind and has Richard make an elaborate justification of why Meat is Good.


• In one book, Goodkind creates a nation of pacifists (led by a small boy) as a strawman argument to display why Pacifism is Wrong. The pacifists stage a peaceful demostration to stop Richard from going to war; Richard slaughters the protestors, who are "armed only with their hatred for moral clarity." Richard also kills unarmed council members.


• Richard learns super fighting skills just by holding his sword; he also learns things like how to grab arrows out of the air (more than once) and advanced algebra. Later, he can learn this from any sword, not just a magic one. He is also able to recreate an antidote from remembering how it tasted.


• Richard, while captured by the enemy, manages to steal a sword by pretending to stretch, then kills several dozen soldiers before being captured again. The captain of the guard is so impressed that he asks Richard to be on his sports team. (the Imperial sport of Ja La)


• Richard makes very long speeches. Very, very long speeches.


• Richard abandons his troops at one point because he doesn't think they are worthy of him.


• Richard's latest battle tactics are simple - his army of D'Harans is too small to take on the huge enemy army, so instead he orders them to go to the enemy homeland and slaughter all the civilians, removing the ears of anyone who preaches the enemy faith. Because this is the only moral thing to do.


• Nearly all women want to seduce Richard; Duchess Lumholz tries to do this with food. Later, it turns out that she was only doing this because of nipple magic (don't ask). Richard actually turns out to be a bit of a prude.


• Kahlan is Richard's wife, and a Confessor, which gives her the power to magically bind men to her will as permanent slaves. Richard is able to protect himself from her magic by his love for her (aah!)


• She is almost raped at least 9 times throughout the series, but always manages to escape/be rescued in the nick of time. On one occasion, she is attacked by a chicken that is not a chicken, but evil incarnate. It has an evil cackle.


• At one stage, Kahlan has to lead an small army in a fight against a large one, in winter. Her cunning plan is to have all the soldiers strip naked and paint themselves white, so the enemy will think they are ghosts. Surprisingly, this works. All deserters who were given the option to leave before the battle are later tracked down and killed.


• One of the enemy soldiers breaks into Kahlan's camp and kills a wizard. Kahlan orders that he be tortured to death slowly over several hours.


• Kahlan's half-sister, the Queen of Galea, has a breakdown (following a gratuitous gang-rape) and temporarily hands over the queenship to Kahlan, who promptly annexes Galea to Richard's empire. When their half-brother Harold comes to tell Kahlan they are not happy about this annexation, and that Galea wishes to remain neutral in the war, Kahlan vows to destroy Galea, murder all its citizens and send her sister back to the rapists. Harold is then murdered by one of the wizards and this is treated as a good thing.


• One of Kahlan's previous Confessor-power victims was an innocent man, so he is magically transformed into a wolf. So everything's all right in the end.


• To enter a temple, Kahlan (for some reason) has to marry one of Richard's evil half-brothers. However, in the dark there's the old switcheroo and it turns out that it's Richard after all.


• Despite being quite prim in real life, Kahlan has to act like a slut on several trumped-up occasions. It seems that Goodkind likes writing about sluts.


• Phantom begins with Kahlan not knowing who she is...


• Zeddicus Zul Zoroander is a wizard, and also Richard's grandfather and mentor. He says "Bags!" a lot; this is possibly intended to be a swearword.


• Du Chaillu is a sort of sorceress that Richard rescues using a cunning ruse. She later has her super warriors try to kill him, and then claims him as her husband.


• Betty is a goat, who is noble (I'm not sure why). Betty is possessed by an evil spirit, but rescued by Richard.


• Gratch is a gar, a type of furry dinosaur. Richard befriends the orphaned Gratch, but later has to drive him away to save his life. Gratch later returns with an army of gars to save Richard in the middle of a battle. Gratch says "Gratch luuuug Raaach Arrrrg" a lot; apparently this means "Gratch loves Richard."


• Scarlet is a magical talking dragon that Richard befriends.


• Nicci is an evil sorceress who likes to torture people; she doesn't like lice. She is converted into a good guy when Richard carves a statue of Life (a man and a woman looking happy and alive, or something) and she falls to her knees and weeps with joy.


• When infiltrating the enemy camp, she avoids recognition by taking her top off; the men are so distracted by her boobs that then never look at her face. She then wreaks bloody havoc and escapes. Shortly afterwards (?) she rips out someone's still-beating heart with her bare hands.


• Nicci Someone called Nadine* tries to seduce Richard; her plan is to have sex with his brother in front of him and invite him to join in. She is surprised when this doesn't work. Nicci's seduction tactics are surprisingly similar.


• Nicci still tortures people in the service of the good guys, but now it's OK because she's doing it for the right reasons. It turns out that her badness was due to some evil commies taking over when she was young.


• Drefan is Richard's half-brother and is evil. Richard turns out to have many evil half-brothers, one of whom starts off pretending to be a good guy, and then tries to outlaw fire with a moving speech about a housefire that reduces the crowd to tears.


• Drefan demostrates his evilness by killing prostitutes.


• Richard eventually kills Drefan by ripping his spine out through his stomach. Despite this, he is still able to have one last go with a sword before expiring.*


• The Sisters of the Dark are some evil nuns. They have dirty monster sex with nambles and numerous other excuses for pointless gang-bangs.
  
• Darken Rahl is the first bad guy, who turns out to be Richard's father, is killed by Richard at the end of the first book, but still manages to come back in several sequels. He had a cult of "Master Rahl worshippers" - these worshippers now worship Richard. His female red-leather-clad torturers, the Mord Sith, now also serve Richard.


• Denna is the Mord-Sith that first captures Richard. She later turns out to just have had a difficult childhood.


• Jagang is the leader of the Imperial Order, who are the main bad guys. Their philosophy is a bastard mix of communism and Islam, where everyone has to serve the collective and will go to heaven if they die in battle (or somesuch). Goodkind spends several pages at a time detailing the atrocities committed by the IO, in case we were in any doubt about whether they were the bad guys. They also make captured enemies eat their own testicles. They enjoy eating the testicles of captured enemies; it is Kahlan who makes enemies eat their own testicles.**


• Princess Violet is the 8-year-old whose jaw gets kicked by Richard; she returns later with her tongue grown back, in the company of a witch called Six.


• A Yeard is a word born of a typo, which now means the type of beard/ponytail combination sported by Goodkind himself.


• Goodkind has some trouble with irregular past participles; he also overuses the words "thing" and "instantly," and parts of anatomy behave in peculiar ways (especially eyes). Many points are stated and re-stated to the point of utter redundancy. His book dedications are peculiar.


• Ayn Rand is Goodkind's hero. People who Goodkind disapproves of are treated in other ways, such as the evil emperor Bertrand Chambor and his evil wife Hildemara, apparently based on the Clintons...

So, with that out of the way, here are the parodies - thanks to all contributors, who are credited to the creator's westeros.org screen name.

• Goodkind meets George R R Martin


• Goodkind meets Tolkien


• Goodkind meets JK Rowling


• Goodkind meets Richard Morgan - Altered (Leather-Clad) Furies


• Goodkind meets Scott Lynch - the Rise of Richard Rahl


• Goodkind meets the Bible


• Goodkind meets Shakespeare - transcript of speech from Terrycon


• Goodkind meets Hal Duncan


• Goodkind meets Jane Austen - Truth and Consequence


• Goodkind meets Kenneth Grahame - The Yeard in the Willows


• Goodkind meets David Eddings


• Goodkind meets William Burroughs - Naked Truth


• Goodkind meets Anthony Burgess - A Clockwork Truth


• Goodkind Meets Irvine Welsh - Truthspotting


• Goodkind meets George Lucas


• Goodkind meets Monty Python


• Goodkind meets Frank Herbert (and possibly David Lynch too)


• Goodkind meets 24


• Goodkind meets the Orange movie execs


• Some general Goodkind parodies, or ones that I don't know the reference for


• Richard the Queen


• Richard's Re-education Seminar


• Goodkind meets R Scott Bakker


• Goodkind meets China Miéville


• Goodkind meets Robert Jordan - The Wheel of Truth


• An Appeal for Aid


• Mr Benn's War Wizard Adventure


• Goodkind Meets Stephen Donaldson - Lord Rahl's Bane


• Goodkind Meets 'Allo 'Allo


• Khas & Dick - The Cockney Pub Rock of Truth


• Some ideas for Goodkind T-Shirts


• An Objectivist Carol


• The Final Battle


• Three Noble Goats Gruff


• The Crocodile Seeker (in memory of Steve Irwin)


• Moral Celery Battle


• Terry Goodkind's Darkplace


• Some Songs of Truth


• The Ayn Rand Code


• The Ayn Rand Code, Part 2


• Sword of Truth - Non-Fantasy Version


• Garflight


• Don Ricardo De La Mancha


• Conquest - Fighting Like a War Wizard


• Goodkind Mauling


• COLUMBO - The Yeard Is Deceitful Above All Things


• Richard Hood and his Merry Mord Sith


• The Blood of the Trick


• Trouble at D'Hara High


• Goodkind meets Martin Luther King


• Goodkind meets bad porn


• Little Dicky Rahl


• The Objectivist Wizard of Os


• Richard the Chicken Slayer


• Richard P.I.


• The Chicken by Terry Allen Goodpoe


• The Silence of the Goats


• Terry Goodkind's Labyrinth


• Fireheart - Richard's New Adventures


• COLUMBO - The Yeard Is Deceitful Above All Things - Part 2


• Goodkind's Democracy In Action


• Battle of the Terries - Goodkind meets Brooks


• The Truth Itself - Book One of the Wizard's First Law


• Anecdotes from the Life of Goodkind


• The Complete Lemming Dictionary


• Truth is the Word


• Goodkind meets The Matrix


• Little-known facts about the Sword of Truth


• The Author's First Rule


• Essays on the Sword of Truth


• The Chicken-that-is-not-a-chicken drawing contest


• The Name of the Truth


• Haikus of Truth


• Transmetropolitan: Year of the Yeard


• (Rise Up,) Live (Your Life) and Let (Everyone Else) Die


• Fear and Loathing in D'Hara


• Wizard's First Riding Hood


• Namble Genesis Truthelion


• Dick and Zedd's Objectivist Adventure


• War Wizards break writers' strike


• Con Dar Night


• Truthborn: The Final Order


• Automatic Goodkind Story Generator


• Disney's Sword of Truth


• The Yeards of Madness by T P Goodcraft

*Thanks to Maija Toivola for the corrections.
**Correction by The Mad Moose