Friday, August 04, 2006

Goodkind meets 24

'The following takes place between 7.00 am and 8.00 am. All events happen in real time.

- Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, Tick

Dick Bauer enters his apartment having just completed his morning 10 mile run. He is sweaty but barely puffed out.

- Ring Ring, Ring Ring (the telephone rings)

DICK BAUER: 'Yeah, hello.'
CTU DIRECTOR: 'Richard?'
DICK BAUER: 'That's Dick to you. Who is this?'
CTU DIRECTOR: 'CTU Director Zeddicus here. I'm sorry to trouble you, I know you have retired now, but can you spare us a few minutes of your time. We need your expertise, I promise it will only be a few minutes, an hour tops. There is totally no way this will require another 24 hours of saving the world - honest.'
DICK BAUER: 'No way man, I choose life. Why should I risk myself for your benefit?'
CTU DIRECTOR: 'I know, but this will effect you too.'
DICK BAUER: 'Well alright then, only because it is a direct threat to my life and it will only be quick. There is no way at my age I can do 24 solid hours of world saving without sleep, food, drink or going to the toilet.'

- Dick laughs, Zedd laughs. Had anybody else been in this scene they would have laughed too.

CTU DIRECTOR: 'How soon can you get down here?'
DICK BAUER: 'Won't be for a while yet, your office is 27 miles away from where I live you know. I will get there as soon as I can.'

Dick hangs up the phone and goes to get changed, he would have eaten some celery but Richard does not require sustenance. He gets in his car and drives to CTU offices 27 miles away.

3 minutes later

DICK BAUER: 'Right I'm here, whats going on Zedd.'
CTU DIRECTOR: 'Terrorists calling themselves the Imperial Order have invaded California, taken over all our key military installations.'
DICK BAUER: 'Except for the Counter Terrorist Unit?'
CTU DIRECTOR: 'Yes. This place is top secret after all, how would they know about it?'
DICK BAUER: 'We are indeed fortunate that is such a well kept secret.'
CTU DIRECTOR: 'Listen, their army numbers in the hundreds of thousands. They came instantly out of nowhere, we had no intel on this coming our way at all. We were taken completely by surpise. We were caught with our pants completely down. This surprise attack came out of the blue and with such numbers there is no chance we can take them head on. A direct confrontation will be useless. We would lose if we try to take them on directly. We would be dead, finished, and as the last line of defence, we cannot fail. We cannot afford to drop the ball here. Absolutely no mistakes, no failures, no losing. You understand?'
DICK BAUER: 'My mind is struggling to grasp what you're saying, but I think I get it. I just realised I must have had amazing luck getting here without seeing any of this.'
CTU DIRECTOR: 'Thats why you are the only man for this job Dick. We need your luck and moral clarity to single handedly take on this entire army and defeat their leader.'
DICK BAUER: 'OK, tell me about this leader, how big is his yeard?'
CTU DIRECTOR: 'Oh, its not as big and impressive as yours Dick. His name is Jagang, he says that if we do not give him one billion, oh excuse me, one hundred billion dollars he will get inside our brains when we sleep at night and turn our dreams into nightmares.'
DICK BAUER: 'How does this effect me again, you know I never sleep.'
CTU DIRECTOR: 'We think this is just a diversion while his men raid the countryside. We have reports that they are raping our women, burning our crops, salting our fields and peeing in our swimming pools. And Dick they have your daughter.'

- Gasp!

DICK BAUER: 'Where do these terrorists come from?'
CTU DIRECTOR: 'From the south east - Mexico. The boundary had kept them out for so long. Now that it is gone beacuse of what you did at the end of the last series to stop that bomb going off, there is no telling how many of them are in our country now. But why do you ask this question, aren't you going to mount an insane solo rescue attempt to get your daughter back?'
DICK BAUER: 'Fuck her! She should have had more moral clarity and avoided the danger in the first place. I am going to do the only morally right thing and mount a solo campaign against this Imperial Order. When they hear what I have done to their lands they will instantly stop what they are doing here and return home to take on me. They will find their cities in ruins, their women raped with broom handles, their fields burned and salted. I will also crap in their swimming pools, they will be infuriated! I will demand they stop attacking California or I will keep on destroying their homes.'
CTU DIRECTOR: 'Erm, wouldn't that be like sinking to their level?'
DICK BAUER: 'Of course not. We are the Counter Terrorist Unit and it is not terrorism if we do it! Come on there is not a second to lose, let the righteous defence of our homeland by attacking theirs begin!'

- 37 minutes later

CTU DIRECTOR: Right we have destroyed 5 Imperial Order cities so far and killed ten thousand enemies and put their heads on stakes, burned and salted their field. What next Dick?'
DICK BAUER: 'Now we are going to crap in their swimming pools. I don't go to the toilet Zedd which is why I brought you along, even though I said earlier that I was going solo and this bit was totally not inserted after the author realised this continuity error at all, this is what your character was born to do!'
CTU DIRECTOR: 'Ah this is all so righteous it makes me want to cry!'
MESSENGER: 'Sir I have a message from Jagang. He says if you do not come to him instantly and surrender he will almost, very nearly, threaten but not actually do it, close but not quite, threaten to have sex with your daughter against her will!'
CTU DIRECTOR: 'I think he means to rape her Dick, what are you going to do?'

-Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, Tick (the clock ticks up to 8.00 am, tune in next week for another preposterous episode of 24 TG style) '

- theMountainGoat


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