Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Disney's Sword of Truth

Mountain Goat productions presents

Disney's Sword of Truth


Mickey Mouse as Mickey Rhal
Snow white as Kahlan White
Goofy as Gooficus Goof Goofrander
Minnie Mouse as Minnie the Mord Sith
Ariel as The Little Mord Sith
Cinderella as Cyrilla
Pluto as Gratch
Donald Duck as Ducken Rhal

It was an odd looking vine. Odd in that it had a mouth and shiny happy eyes. In fact the whole forest was alive with smiles and happiness as Mickey the woods guide walked alone through the beautiful happy trees. Bluebirds sang overhead and everything was wonderful.

"Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah!" sang Mickey in his high pitched mouse voice.

Suddenly he stopped singing and through the trees he could see something white through the trees. Snow white in an autumn forest. It just did not belong. As he walked over to investigate he realised it was a human woman wearing a brilliant white dress, pure white, virginal. She was beautiful, in fact Mickey would say she was the fairest of them all, with long flowing hair, the longest hair he had ever seen in fact. Mickey looked up and up and up into her deep blue eyes and she smiled. It seemed like time stopped and he had always known her and she had always known him. Birdsong twittered romanticly in the air.

"Hello there little fella," she said, "would a fine handsome and brave mouse like yourself be able to help me? I am looking for a great wizard."

Mickey ignored the sizest comment and just answered the question.
"No wizards around here, and no apprentices either. Sorry." Far off through the trees the pair heard a menacing quack. It seemed as though the sky became darker. The beautiful woman looked scared.

"I should go," she said, "they are chasing me and I don't want to get you in trouble."
"Don't worry lady, I will protect you. What's your name?"
"I am Khalan, Khalan White."
"I am Mickey the woods guide, follow me back to my village. I have a friend who may be able to help you."

And so the tall beautiul woman dressed in white and the mouse who is half her size walked through the woods. Eventually they reached a cliffside path which they had to go around to get down the other side into the valley where the village lay. Suddenly a dark blur dropped from above onto the path.
"Quack, quack, quackity quack-quack!" Threatened the duck dressed in black before them. Looking back Mickey saw two more ducks coming up from behind. They were trapped.

Mickey was bigger than most men and mice, even though he was a lot shorter than Khalan, but the three ducks were shorter even than he was which might make you think they were less threatening than say a bigger man would be, but they were still very threatening and scary in an unspecified way to the fully grown woman and the short talking mouse with big black flappy ears.

"Who are they?" said a stunned Mickey.
"They are called a Quack," said Khalan. Mickey wondered if this was really the time for exposition but she carried on anyway, "They are three assassin ducks, very deadly. Their names are Huey, Dewey and Louie. They have been sent to capture me and bring me back to their master, Ducken Rhal." She shuddered a little when she said the name.
"Who is Ducken Rhal?" Said Mickey as the ducks edged nearer.
"A terrible and evil duck whose army has invaded my country, enslaved and murdered my people, raped and almost raped my women."
"Raped? By a duck?" Said Mickey incredulously.
"You betcha," said Huey, "and when we get our wings on you missy we're gonna quacking rape you too."
"Right up the arse!" shouted Louie excitedly punching the air.
"Bitch-Ass!" echoed Dewey.

"Mickey, make sure that one cannot get to me and I will take care of these two." said Khalan. Mickey was not sure but had no time to argue as the three young duck assassins of the Quack rushed forward. Mickey grabbed and tussled with Huey, trying to keep the duck's wicked looking blade away from his face. Suddenly from behind there was a "whump, whump, whump", like a thunderclap with no sound. From the corner of his large round eyes Mickey saw Louie falling from the cliff to be broken on the trees below.

Then suddenly a dark blur ran past him and grabbed hold of Huey and they both fell from the cliff to their certain death. Suddenly Mickey realised it had been Dewey who had done that and he and Khalan were alone on the cliff.

"What happened?" Asked Mickey stupidly.
"Errm, nothing," said Khalan White innocently, "they just went crazy for some reason, lucky for us. Come on lets get to the village I want to meet this friend of yours."

And so they walked on down to the village. Mickey led the tall woman out to a large wooden shack on the edge of the village. His friend was not there.

"I bet I know where he will be, out back on his cloud rock." They went around to the back of the house and sure enough there he was - stark naked!

"Goofy," said Mickey, "we have company. Put your clothes on."
"Gawrsh!" said Goofy, "Huh-huck! I knew you were coming cos of that cloud thats a-followin' ya."
"If you knew we were coming couldn't you have got dressed first?" Asked Mickey averting his eyes from the pale flappy skin of his dog friend.
"Gawrsh, sorry" said Goofy putting on his bright blue trousers and orange shirt. Turning he looked at Khalan for the first time.
"Bags! Mickey what are you doing with this vile creature! Don't ya know what she is?"
"Human?" said Mickey.
"Huh-huck! Has she touched you? Well obviously not I guess. She...." but he stopped from a snow cold look from Khalan White.
"You seem to know a lot about me without having met me before. Who are you?"
"He is just my old friend Goofy," said Mickey, "he knows a lot but is kinda silly sometimes."

"You do not know a lot about me Mickey, I have a long past actually, before I came here to Disneyworld I lived in The Waltlands where I was High Wizard Gooficus Goof Goofrander. Gawrsh, I had not thought about that in years."

"You are the one I am here to find Gooficus, Ducken Rhal has invaded The Waltlands with his army, his temper is legendary and it is fuelling his terrible war against us. He has put the Carrots of Oswald in play."
Just then a deus ex machina appeared.
"You mean like in the Book of cel-shaded shadows by Oswald the Lucky Rabbit?" said Mickey remembering the book his father had made him memorise when he was younger and then subsequently was destroyed in a fire which also sadly killed his mother and caused his brother to have an irrational desire to see fire banned throughout Disneyworld even though it got pretty cold in winter.
"The very same my little seeker of truth," said Goofy calling him by the little nickname he had always called him by and which I had only just now thought to mention.

Khalan looked at Mickey with new eyes. They were also blue.
"Could it be?" She whispered, "Gooficus is Mickey really the new Seeker of Truth?"
"Whats a Seeker of Truth?" said Mickey in his high pitched squeeky voice.
"Huh-huck!" Exclaimed Goofy as he opened up a chest that Mickey had never noticed before and bringing forth a long pointed object wrapped in cloth. "This is the Sword of Truth and it belongs to the Seeker of Truth. I brought it with me from The Waltlands on the chance that I would find someone who could fulful the sword's destiny."
"So thats what all the detective and guessing games were about?" said Mickey.
"Huh-huck! Here take the sword and if it rings true we will know you are truely the Seeker of Truth for truthy truth true."

As Mickey took the sword from Goofy it rang silent and true, like a still pond. It echoed like a mist in a forest. Like a bell in a cathedral of truth. Like a true thing early in the morning. It could not be more truthful.

"Gawrsh, I'm not sure if that was true enough or not." said Goofy goofily.
"Quick!" said Mickey, "We have to get out of here! Now! Before it's too late!"
But it was already too late. The Dwarfs (or Dwarves) were coming.

"Hi ho! Hi ho! Its off to almost rape big titted women we go!"

To be continued . . .

- theMountainGoat


Blogger Adam Whitehead said...

Of course, what is ironic is that the SoT TV series is now being made by Disney :-)

11:40 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well that was my inspiration for writing the parody :P

1:16 pm  

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