Friday, August 04, 2006

Goodkind meets the Bible

"Blessed are the peace protesters, for they shall get chopped into hamburger by the messiah."

"Blessed are mean children, for their jaws shall be shattered by the boot of the messiah."

"Blessed are the filthy whores, cuz the messiah thinks you're hawt."

and of course "Gratch luuug Jeee zuuuz!"

- The Mad Moose

'A certain man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers, who both stripped him and beat him, and departed, leaving him half dead. By chance a certain priest was going down that way. When he saw him, he passed by on the other side. In the same way a Levite also, when he came to the place, and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a certain Samaritan, as he traveled, came where he was. When he saw him, he was moved with compassion, came to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and wine.

The man rose up, and declared "Lo, your mercy to me displays your weakness!" His naked chest did heave manfully, as he dispatched the peace-loving do-gooder with a single blow.'

'Some peple brought their children to Richard Rahl so that he may bless them and teach them his moral, righteous and objectivist ways. But Zedd and the others told them to stop bothering Richard.

When Richard saw this, he became angry. With his thing rising, he heaved his chest manfully and said, "Let the children come to me! Don't try to stop them!"

As the children went forth to him, he gave them a powerful roundhouse kick and broke every child's jaw and unwittingly cut off their tongues.

As the children lay twitching on the ground, blood pooling around them, Richard looked at the crowd and said, "All our children are innocent. But remember, even children can be used for evil. Therefore, it is my moral duty to make sure they will never be used in such ways I have cut off their tongues and broken their jaws so they that they may speak no evil." Then Richard laughed. Zedd laughed. The crowd laughed, and finally the parents laughed as well.'

- The Wolf Maid

Bible of Truth, from the book of Zeddthew (this passage is also known as "The Yeardatitudes"), 5:1-10

1 And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his followers came unto him:

2 And he opened his mouth, and made speech at them, saying,

3 Damned are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of Untruthfulness.

4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted by the screams of their enemies as they are tortured through the night.

5 Damned are the meek: for they shall inherit nothing, as a strong man must be loud and certain in the Truth.

6 Damned are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they do not know the Truth, and lust after some Creator to do their thinking for them.

7 Damned are the merciful: for they shall know no mercy.

8 Blessed are the pure in heart: for only Richard Rahl is really pure in heart.

9 Damned are the peacemakers: for they shall be become corpses on the end of my sword.

10 Blessed are they which persecute others for Truth's sake: for theirs is the kingdom of serving Richard his dinner.

- VigoTheCarpathian

the Ten Yeardmandments, from Goateronomy 5:6-21

I am the LORD thy Rahl, which have brought thee out of the minds of Ignorance, out of the house of Death-loving.

I. Thou shalt have no other fantasy books before Sword of Truth, which as you know, doth count as speculative fiction portrayed ineth a fantasy setting.

II. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: unless it inspires freedom, and causes thou "thing" to rise up. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them[non-freedom inspiring statuaries] , nor serve them: for I the LORD thy Rahl am a jealous LORD, visiting the iniquity on the jaws of the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that obey me, and keep my commandments.

III. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy Rahl in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain, and shall cause him to be smoten in the stomach region in such a way that the LORD thy Rahl shall remove his spine.

IV. Remember Lord Rahl Day, to keep it as a reminder that all those who are against him must needs die horribly. But thou shouldst probably remember this every waking instant, lest thou be against Lord Rahl

V. Honour thy father and thy mother: kill thy parents if they do not follow LORD Rahl, or if thou suspecteth them of Evil

VI. Thou shalt not kill, unless:
a. Thou believe'st thou art right and art accepting Life
b. The act of killing is as one the LORD Rahl would have wanted thou to commit
c. The LORD Rahl commands it

VII. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless thou art under some sort of bewitchment, or find thyself in a gang-rape situation.

VIII. Thou shalt not steal, unless it be the lives of thine enemy and his family.

IX. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour: the LORD Rahl will judge him accordingly, and bear false witness for thee.

X. Thou shalt not covet thy LORD's palace, thou shalt not covet thy LORDS's wife, nor his Yeard, nor his outfit, nor his Mord Sith, nor his goat, nor any thing that is one of thy neighbour's. The Imperial Order is not thy neighbor.
- VigoTheCarpathian

Thus was it written by the LORD RAHL our saviour, who is not a religious figure, nay not even unto the tiniest morsel of a theistic crumb:

If thou hateth the progeny of the un-celerous, if thou hateth the youth of the commie lick-spittle, thou wilt not be judged, for thine is the clarity, and thine is the light of the TRUTH. But I say this unto you brothers: if thou dost hateth the get of the pacifist vegetarian, to the extent that thou doth hate him, bring not thine boot unto their jaw, nor bring thine boot unto any part of the face for to do so is to BLESS the child that they might see the way and the light of the THING. And know, that while it is a blessing thou wouldst bestow upon the child, thine blessing doest not carry within it any religious significance as religion is COLLECTIVIST and religion is SHAMEFUL and religion is the very tool of those most wicked creatures who did that thing unto our beloved TERRY in the closet while his flesh was young and his mind void, and he has carried the shame of it yay even unto this very day, though he remembers it not, excluding the wee dark hours approaching and immediately following four of the clock at which time he is jerked awake from a dream screaming "no, no, foul bests, do it not!" but shortly cannot bring to mind the shape nor the substance of the vision which unsettled him so!

Yay, brothers, if though hatest the child, take from him his goat. Take from him his outfit and strip him of his TRAVELLING PANTS - which one imagines as calf-length and ever so slightly flared, or else gathered about the ankle by means of some tie or tape. If though hatest the child throw him down among the very lemmings of discord that they may gnaw at his toes and feast upon his nubile buttocks and KNOW that neither the TERRY nor our LORD SIR RICHARD THE MIGHTY feel any such URGES as paedophilia, misogyny, bestiality, nor a latent need to assert their own heterosexuality through the continuous adoration of leather clad women WHO ARE LEGION, no matter how they might write about such matters! Nay brothers, if thou hateth the child thou need do only one thing: drive him from the clarity, drive him from the sanctity, drive him from the non-religious divinity of our LORD'S love, and let him be one with the masses, undifferentiated, his individuality subsumed. Let him feel pity, let him know weakness, let him be as the children of peace, and those too of the chicken.

And unto he parents deliver a right vicious blow to the cheek with thine THING and cry unto them: "Keep thy pestilent brood in order thou subjective, thou individuated, thou un-celerous BAGGAGE!"

And thus are the hordes controlled.

- Will


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I just say... bwahahahahaha!!! I think I just made wee wee in my pants!!!

11:28 pm  
Blogger Duke of Earl said...

I laughed, they laughed, everyone laughed.

10:13 pm  

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