Friday, August 04, 2006

Goodkind meets George Lucas

'"Richard" breathed Darth Rahl, through the black helmet that formed part of his Dark Mord-Sith Lord outfit, "I am your father."

"Noooooo!" cried Richard, wishing he still had his Sabre of Light. He had surrendered it to Darth Rahl as part of a scheme to get closer to the evil emperor, Billary Clayton. Why was he here? He was just a simple farm boy who had been dragged into events beyond his control; all he wanted was to return to the land of Tatooine where everyone was free, and self-interested capitalism was the only law.

Meanwhile, in the kingdom of Endor, Chase's scheme to destroy the magic barrier had gone badly wrong. They had painted themselves white to fool the Imperial Forces into thinking that they were ghosts, because the Imperial Order were scared of ghosts, but at the last minute it had rained and their cover was blown. They were rounded up and prepared for torture and execution.

His hands bound, Richard was led before the Evil Emperor. Evil Incarnate. His beak clacked evilly and his evil red eyes gleamed an evil red as he regarded the hapless hero. But then, Richard heard an unearthly voice. It was the spirit of his old mentor, Zedd Zenobi!

"Use the thing! Richard, use the thing!" called Zenobi.

Richard's head snapped up. Who was this Imperial Order, to deny him his freedom and life? His thing rose up and with one bound he was free. The Sabre of Light blazed white and he hacked the chicken into small pieces. It had not truly been a chicken after all.

Back on Endor, the noble warriors who were strangely inept without Richard to lead them were on the verge of execution. Suddenly some furry shapes swooped down on the Imperial Guards. It was the gars! With a variety of comic and poignant antics, they defeated the Imperial Order and broke the magic barrier.

"Strike me down with all of your power, and you will take my place as the lord of Evil!" said Darth Rahl, backing away.

"Not a problem," said Richard, and killed him with a mighty blow. "I know there was no good in you and you deserve to die. This death star is exactly what I need though, and all these stormtroopers will come in very handy in the next book when we go forth to conquer the rest of the galaxy to save them from muddy thinking and replace it with moral clarity."

He returned to Endor with his new army. Gratch bounded over and gave him a big furry cuddle. Kahleia approached. "Richard, I'm not really your sister, I just had to say that because of a spell - now we can get married after all!"

But all that will have to wait until the next episode... '


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awesome. I laughed until I cried, my things filling up with things.

7:00 am  

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