Friday, August 04, 2006

Goodkind meets the Orange movie execs

'Movie Honcho 1: "All right, next point. Have you read the part when he kicks that little girl, Violet, in the face?"

Movie Honcho 2: "Yes, my PR assistant says that we should tone that part down".

Movie Honcho 3: "I agree, I've been told that [insert actor's name here] was very upset when he read about this, he said that a scene like this would be poison for his career".

Movie Honcho 2: "My PR assistand suggested me to make some changes in the story. Violet must be grown up".

Movie Honcho 1: "Yes a grown up, fat and ugly maybe?"

Movie Honcho 2: "Better if she is beautiful and slim, polls indicate that the public is more used to violence done on young women, posing as teenagers in slasher movies".

Movie Honcho 3: "Your PR assistant has told you this, right?"

Movie Honcho 2: "Yes, she is good, I detect a hint of envy in your words".

Movie Honcho 3: "I could have used her advice in that adaptation The Vellum".

Movie Honchos 1,2,3 laugh as they remember that disaster.

Movie Honcho 1: "It's decided then, we leave Richard speeches for the five hour long Director's cut DVD. We cut off that silly part about outlawing fire, and Violet is a woman, not a little girl.

Movie Honcho 2: "All right".

Movie Honcho 3: "It's ok with me".

Movie Honcho 1: "Now for the part of the peace protestors. They cannot be peace protestors".

Movie Honcho 3: "Never".

Movie Honcho 2: "My PR assistant tells me that they must not be protestors after all. Killing peace protestors would have certain appeal in some states but we would lose most of our public".

Movie Honcho 1: "What do you suggest?"

Movie Honcho 2: "My PR assistant suggested me an army of heavy armoured CG orcs. After LotR the public is used to them as "the enemy".

Movie Honcho 3: "[instert actor's name here] would like this, provided he kills more orcs than Aragorn and Legolas put together. He would look good"

Movie Honcho 1: "There are no orcs in SOT"

Movie Honcho 3: "Who cares, they are cheap to make now, we could use that old WETA software".

Movie Honcho 1: "It's decided then. Who is explaining Terry all these changes?"

Movie Honcho 2: "My PR assistant"


Movie Honcho1: How about he wields the phone of truth?

Movie Honcho2: Yeah. And he could be aided by the sisters of orange.'

- Agulla

The making of SoT (the Series).

The three movie honchos and the Movie Honcho 2’s reliable public relations assistant are sitting in his office. The public relations assistant is at the phone breaking some disquieting news to the world’s most successful fantasy, sorry my mistake, self help novels writer.

P.R. Assistant: “...yes, yes of course, I know that in the book is different but we are not sure that the viewers will approve of a hero that kicks a little girl in the face, even if he was completely justified in his actions because he had been tortured and the eight years old girl was threatening to do terrible things to the hero’s love interest...yes Kahlan."

The P.R. Assistant makes a face as the author shouts something.

P.R. Assistant: “You are right Mr G, can I call you Mister G? Good, you are right, those viewers that cannot understand this are not mature enough to watch the series but unfortunately our sponsors think otherwise."

The author speaks for a long time; The P.R. Assistant looks at the movie honchos and shakes her head as he keeps going on and on. Finally, the half an hour long tirade runs out of steam and she can say something.

P.R. Assistant: “Yes, yes Mister G, the sponsors are just a bunch of pinko-commie-euro-canadian traitors to the American way, but the money is theirs and they care about it. A fairly capitalist mentality, we have to give them that."

The Movie Honcho 2 thumbs up at this and the other two nod.

P.R. Assistant: “We will have to cave to their prejudices and we are as much upset as you are, really. But look at the bright side, in fact, in what respect to the book’s philosophy Violet’s age is not important, right?

This time the author has less things to say and because of this he keeps talking for more than an hour.

P.R. Assistant: “Yes, we have already talked about the peace protestors and the tortures. We will have to handle the peace protestors thing with care now that things in Iraq are not going as neatly as we would have liked...”

The three movie honchos can hear the author’s words, he seems to be quite distressed.

P.R. Assistant: “Yes, it’s the liberals’ fault, you are right again Mister G, but this is how things are. We cannot kill peace protestors on screen because part of our target audience would have an adverse reaction to it and move to other series."

More angry words from the author, now mercifully only the P.R. Assistant can hear them.

P.R. Assistant: “According to our sources a great part of our target audience are sci-fi and fantasy fans”.

The author explodes in another fit of rage. The movie honchos look at each other worried.

P.R. Assistant: “We know, we know, you do not write fantasy and precisely your books are the way to bring your message of truth to so many deluded fantasy readers. We intend to do the same here, with the series. Just imagine millions of fans of The Lord of the Rings, Lost, Heroes and Galactica waiting for a deeper and more meaningful philosophy, ready for it."

The author says something more and the P.R. Assistant nods and smiles reassuringly to the three movie honchos.

P.R. Assistant: The torture we thought it was perfect but then our surveys indicated that the audience is getting tired of it. Of course it’s stupid, why on Earth would someone get tired of torture? But you know how audience is, just a few seasons of “24” with Jack Bauer interrogating terrorist and they lose their nerve. We were thinking about leaving tortures out of screen, they happen but they are not shown."

Things seem to be going better, or at least this is what the P.R. Assistant tells them.

P.R. Assistant: "I agree, sacrifices are to be made, just like we will have to do with the speeches."

Again she has to separate her ear from the phone in order to save her hearing ability for the future.

P.R. Assistant: “We sympathise with you but if we have to insert those speeches the series will be thrice long. We have found a solution to this problem; we will put the speeches in the Collector Special Edition DVD!”

Movie Honcho 2 tells the other two: “I told you she was good”.

P.R. Assistant: “Yes, yes, it will be good for you too because millions of people will buy this collectors edition at a higher price, there they will find a twenty DVD extra feature with the speeches of truth.

The conversation continues but it seems that Mister G has been calmed, when it’s finally over the three Movie Honchos congratulate the PR assistant.

Movie Honcho 2: “It’s been amazing, well done”!

P.R. Assistant: “Thank you but it was easy, you have to remember that I was the one that had to tell J.R.R. Tolkien about what Peter Jackson was going to do with his books”.

Movie Honcho 1: “That was tough, yeah, I remember; the most stressing séance I’ve ever attended”.

Movie Honcho 3: “Were you serious about the Collector’s Special Edition?”

P.R. Assistant: “Yes, we have no other option here; this is the only way to appease him. We will not need to produce a large quantity of that Collector’s Edition though”.

Movie Honcho 3: “How many?”

P.R. Assistant: “Don’t know for sure. How many people post in his forums?”

- Agulla


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