Friday, August 04, 2006

Goodkind meets David Eddings

'Garion: "Riva's buring sword, be true this day! Torak, you witless half-burnt God, I reject you and your Commie ways!"
*sword is thrust into Torak, and because of Garion's moral clarity and rejection of Torak's ways, the sword's passes through him like sword through butter*

- The Wolf Maid

Goodkind meets Eddings 2 - The Richariad

'At long last the much larger, much better-supplied and better-led army of evil had been shattered by the tiny, ineptly-led forces of good, simply because they had righteousness on their side. Dick Garion, Lord of the West, finally sheathed the Sword of T'Ruth, knowing the enemy had been decisively defeated. Belgar Zedd, Dick's mentor (and substitute father figure after his father had died but in fact it had been his stepfather and his real father had been more latterly revealed to be the evil sorceror Dickless Rahl, but that is another, equally best-selling story), approached, a slight limp in his step.

"Grandfather!" Dick affectionately cried. "You missed the fight!"
"Aye, my boy. The enemy waylaid me with an army of invisible monkey-demon-lizards, which I had to despatch before coming hither. And look who I found on the way!"
Dick was speechless as Belgar moved to one side, revealing the dimunitive but still shit-hot figure of Dick's wife, Kal'Nedra.
"Oh, Kal! I thought that the Emperor had done something unspeakable to you!"
"Oh, Dick! I would surely have faltered had not thoughts of you kept me going, and randy!"

"...and thus only the intervention of Betty save me from the invisilble monkey-demon-lizards!" Belgar finished with a flourish. Betty wagged her tail and Dick laughed, Belgar laughed, all the men laughed. Kal'Nedra tried to laugh but the fact that Dick wasn't paying attention to her for all of seven seconds made her angry. Her eyes fell on Betty, promising swift and terrible vengeance. The goat seemed cowed.
"Oh Dick! I am so happy!" The Liferock-Thing Deus the Ex-Machina floated along, taking her preferred form of a young, possibly seven-year-old girl. "The world is safe once more! All humanity sings your praises!"
Dick nodded. All was it should be once more.
"And I do love you, Dick!" Deus giggled in that irritating way that encouraged skim-reading.
Dick's eyes narrowed, and his toecap caught the sentient, plot-demolishing rock under her chin, lifting her in the air and depositing her in the bloody heap fifty feet away. "Love is for the weak! It blinds you to the Truth! So, aye, take your earthly pleasures where you will, but never let them blind you to the threats that face you on all sides!"
Thus Dick laughed anew, and all his friends laughed as well, and even Deus laughed bloodily.
"Silk, approach!" boomed the Lord of the West in a manly tone. The former thief-turned-life-affirming hero approached, his armour still stained from where he had single-handedly crawled through the sewers into the enemy stronghold and, alone and outnumbered, lowered the gates for the Army of the Right to enter.
"Silk, for all of your life you have been a thief and a coward, standing in the way of lawfulness and living in the gutter!"
Silk nodded guiltily. "But that was before you shone the light of righteousness into my life, Lord Garion! Just being near you made me realise my life was essentially worthless unless I dedicated it to following you around unquestioningly and fulfilling your batshit insane orders no matter how implausible the result!"
"This news gladdens my heart, Silk!" Garion proclaimed, turning his noble visage so it presented an attractive profile when viewed against the setting sun, with the screams of the wounded still sounding in the background. "But despite your quest for redemption, nevertheless I know that in your heart still beats the soul of a craven! I have no alternative!" And Dick swung, the Sword of T'Ruth leaping out of his scabbard and into his hand as he spun round and took Silk's head off with a single blow of his manly strength.
"It is not enough to seek the path of righteousness!" bellowed the Lord of the West. "You must be right in your heart! You must be noble and true! You must be always correct! Shades of grey, hidden depths and convincing character development will have no place in my kingdom!"

Thus begun the reign of Dick Garion, King and Overlord of the West. Long may it continue and bring in vast royalties to the talently bereft!'

- Werthead


Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Shades of grey, hidden depths and convincing character development will have no place in my kingdom"

Absolutely brilliant!

8:52 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice satire of both writers. Goodkind's characters are one dimensional (some barely even that). The sudden gratuitous violence which occurs for no apparent reason is one of his more irritating tics. Decapitating Silk would be right up his alley. Nicely done.

3:06 am  

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