Thursday, March 01, 2007

Richard P.I.

A Myshkin Joint

Cue awesome instrumental theme music

In a semi-dark guesthouse a phone rings. Richard Rahl slightly turns over slightly in his bed.

The Phone rings again:

Richard throws a pillow over his head.
Richard mumbles something about goats.
Richard finally gives in and answers the phone.

“Wha-what?” Richard says in his best imitation of a human being.
“Richard, where’ve you been? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you all day!” says Tom.
“Give me a break Tom,” says Richard, “I’ve had a long night.”
“Never mind that,” says Tom, “you gotta get down to the club right away. You’ve got a client.”
“A client?” asks Richard.
“That’s right,” says Tom, “and she’s a real looker.”
Richard sits up in bed, “I’ll be there in half an hour.”
“Just be quick about it.” Says Tom, and hangs up.

Richard rolls out of bed and slips his Namble foreskin robe on. It is big and barbed, and slightly hairy.

“I say, Richard?” comes the voice of Zedd from the top of the stairs.
“Haven’t you ever heard of knocking?” screams Richard as he steps into the living room.
Zedd blithely ignores the question, “Don’t you realize it’s 3:00 in the afternoon? I usually pay no attention to your tawdry affairs, but when you come in at 5:00 in the morning making enough noise to raise the dead, I feel I simply must say something.”
“Shut up!” screams Richard.
“I just came down here to tell you to inform Tom to not call you on the private house number. Bags, man, I’m not your bloody secretary.”
“Shut up!” screams Richard again.

Zedd turns crisply on his heel and leaves.
Richard glowers at the door for awhile, then begins to dress.

Cue music

Outside of the Queen Ayna’Randa club a bright blue (red is for commies) Ferrari drives up. Richard steps out, dressed in a loud D’Haran shirt and extremely short shorts, slaps the parking attendant in the face, and walks into the club.

“Where is she Tom?” Richard asks as he walks up to the bar.
“Over at that table over there.” Tom replies, pointing, then goes on to say, “Richard, I just want to thank you again for making me a better person.”
“Shut up!” screams Richard.

Richard struts over to the table pointed out by Tom. The woman is beautiful, with beautiful long hair, and real big boobies, and Richard can tell from the look in her eyes that she lives in mortal fear of being raped.

“I’m Richard Rahl.” says Richard, “Are you the woman who needs a private investigator?”
“I’m Kahlan Amnell.” She says, standing up. Richard notices her hard nipples pushing against the taut fabric of her white dress, and feels his thing start to rise. Thinking quickly he starts doing math problems in his head.
“Are you doing math problems?” Kahlan asks.
“Shut up!” screams Richard.
Kahlan shuts up.

After some time Richard’s thing begins to subside, and he sits down, “So, what’s the problem lady?” he asks.
“It’s my friend, and sometimes lover, Nicci. I think she’s been kidnapped.” Says Kahlan.
“What makes you think she’s been kidnapped?” asks Richard.
Kahlan takes a deep breath, making her boobies look even bigger, “Well, when she first moved out here from Aydindril she would call me every other night for phone sex. But now it’s been two weeks since her last call. That’s not like her at all.”

Richard’s thing begins to rise again. Quickly he starts spelling the names of Russian authors in his head.
“Are you spelling the names of Russian authors?” asks Kahlan.
“Shut up!” screams Richard. He really needed to learn how to think without moving his lips. “So, it’s been two weeks since Nicci last called you for phone sex? Any idea who might want to harm her?”
“Well there is this one guy she told me about,” replies Kahlan, “his name is Jagang and he owns a bar down on Hotel Street. She said he was a real perv.”
“I see.” Says Richard.
“Does this mean you’ll take the case?” asks Kahlan.
“Sorry lady, I can’t.” replies Richard.
“Why not?” wails Kahlan.
“If I took the case it would mean I was a slave to your desires,” Richard replies pompously, “I must be a free and noble individual!”
“I could pay you” Says Kahlan.
“Well, as long as there’s a clear cut benefit for me in it, you’ve got a deal.” Says Richard in an assholeish way.
“You’re a hunk!” says Kahlan.
“I know.” Replies Richard.
“I bet all the girls just love your yeard.” Says Kahlan coyly.
“I didn’t grow this yeard for the enjoyment of others,” screams Richard, “I grew it because I felt like growing it. I am a creature of free will, immune to the slavery others would try to shackle me with!”
“I love you.” Gushes Kahlan, like an idiot.
“I know.” Richard replies arrogantly.

Richard and Kahlan make out in a very inappropriate way.

Cue music

Back at the dimly lit guesthouse Richard is sitting on the couch thinking about Kahlan’s awesome boobies when the phone rings.


“Hello” Richard answers the phone.
“Richard, it’s Tom,” says Tom, “I got that information you wanted.”
“Well, spit it out.” Richard demands angrily.
“That Jagang fellow you asked me about, well he runs a seedy little strip joint down on Hotel Street called ‘The Communist Manipusso’.” Tom offers.
“Sounds evil.” Says Richard brilliantly.
“Listen Richard,” Tom sounds worried, “This Jagang fellow is dangerous, he’s hooked up with the Imperial Order. You be careful.”
“Don’t tell me what to do!” screams Richard and hangs up.

Richard breathes deeply to calm himself down, then picks up the phone and calls Chase.

Ring, Richard is getting tired of phones.

“Hello” says Chase in his gruff but caring voice.
“Chase, I need you to fly me around in the chopper for awhile.” Richard demands.
“You still owe me a lot of gas money Richard.” Chase points out reasonably.
“Shut up!” screams Richard, “Don’t try to enslave me with your demands! I will pay you when, and only when, I feel like it. Understand?”
“I’m sorry Richard,” Chase apologizes, “I just want to thank you again for making me a better person.”
“Shut up!” Richard screams halfheartedly and hangs up.

Richard leaves the guesthouse and marches purposefully up to the main house. Once inside Richard kicks in the door to the study. Zedd looks up from the desk where he’s been writing his memoirs for the past 73 years.
“I need the camera.” Richard shouts.
“Why do you need the camera?” asks Zedd.
“How dare you question me!” Richard towers. Zedd is bigger than most men. Richard is bigger than Zedd.
“I’m sorry, please don’t hurt me again!” cowers Zedd like a cowardly coward, “Take the camera. In fact, you should just keep it.”
“Damn right.” says Richard as he grabs the camera and leaves the room, kicking things on his way out.

Cue music

Chase flies Richard around for several hours, while Richard snaps random pictures with the camera he strong-armed from Zedd. The whole excursion seems pretty pointless to Chase, but he knows better than to say anything.

As the chopper lands Richard shouts, “Bring it down lower.”
“I can’t bring it down any more Richard,” explains Chase, “we’re already on the ground.”
“Don’t question me!” screams Richard.
Chase does as he’s told, and crashes the chopper into the ground. Richard and Chase climb from the fiery wreckage and Richard tries to strike a badass pose.
“I hope you got what you were looking for while we were up there.” Says Chase.
“Oh, I wasn’t looking for anything, Tom already told me everything I need to know about the case.” Richard replies matter-of-factly.
“Then why were we up there?” asks Chase.
“I felt like the episode needed a good chopper scene.” Says Richard. Then he remembers something, “Don’t you ever question me!” he screams in utter outrage.
“S-s-sorry Richard.” Chase grovels.
“Shut up!” screams Richard.

Part 2

Richard stands at the mouth of a dark and evil alley. Incognito in his traveling pants, Richard stares across the street at the entrance to the Communist Manipusso. He’s been watching the place for over 15 minutes and now knows all he needs to know about it. It’s a moderate sized building, with one, maybe two, storeys. There’s at least one door, and probably no windows.

As Richard prepares to leave he spots a small girl crossing the street and heading right for him. Richard freezes in fear. Small girls are dangerous, very dangerous.

“Hi, I’m Violet.” Says Violet.
“Wha-what do you w-w-want?” Richard asks, trying to keep the fear from his voice.
“The man over there told me to tell you that he knows what you’re doing.” Says Violet.
“I’ll g-g-go away,” pleads Richard, “just leave me alone.”
“Is your name really Richard? And are you really a private investigator?” asks Violet.
“Yes.” Answers Richard, seeing were this is going.
“Then you really are a private dick.” Giggles Violet stupidly.

Richard really hates that joke. He feels his thing begin to rise. When his boot comes up under her jaw he feels it shatter like a crystal goblet on a stone floor. The impact of the blow lifts the little girl into the air. Her own teeth sever her tongue before they, too, shatter. She lands on her back, a good distance away, trying to scream through the gushing blood.

“Shut Up!” Richard screams, then runs like hell.

Cue music

Richard and Kahlan sit at a table at the Queen Ayna’Randa club. Richard is wearing his awesome war wizard outfit and trying to stare at Kahlan’s boobies inconspicuously. Kahlan is pleased that Richard is staring at her boobies, and wonders if his yeard itches in the warm weather. Richard shifts his gaze to Kahlan’s vapid eyes.

“I’m almost 67% certain that Nicci is still being held at the Communist Manipusso.” Richard declares.
“How are we going to break her out?” whines Kahlan.
“You just leave that to me, boobtits.” States Richard, not really sure what he’s talking about.
“You’re such a manly man, Richard.” Simpers Kahlan while tracing a finger around her erect nipple.
Richard’s thing begins to rise. Quickly he tries to think about dead puppies. His thing rises some more. Richard changes tactics and thinks about football.
“Are you thinking about football?” Kahlan asks.
“Shut up!” screams Richard. Seriously, when was this chick gonna learn to keep her trap shut? She’s lucky she’s got a great rack.
“Let’s get to the car,” Richard says, “I’ll tell you the plan when we get to Hotel Street.” Richard stands up, using his trusty trapper-keeper to cover his raging manhood. Kahlan giggles like an idiot. Together they walk awkwardly to the car.

Cue music

The blue (remember the thing about commies) Ferrari convertible races along a winding cliff side highway. Suddenly, as if by magic, they are parking this $200,000 car in the shittiest neighborhood in D’Hara. Richard and Kahlan get out of the car, their hair miraculously unaffected by the windy ride. They spot the Communist Manipusso. Richard pulls Kahlan close, so close that her boobies are squishing up against his manly chest.

“OK, so here’s the plan,” Richard breathes lustily into her ear, “We’ll go in there and I’ll distract everyone with a really long-winded speech. While everyone is staring at me, and pondering my awesome moral celery…err…I mean clarity, you sneak up the stairs and find Nicci. Got it?”

The plan is so simple it sounds like a child came up with it, which of course means it’s bound to work.
“Richard,” Kahlan breathes, “If we don’t make it out I want you to know that I love you. You are as noble as a goat.”
“I know.” Richard says with smug satisfaction.

Hand to ass they cross the street and enter Jagang’s bar. Once inside Kahlan seamlessly melts into the crowd. Richard marches strait up to the stage, punches the stripper in the face, and screams incoherently until everybody shuts up. Richard begins his speech.

“People are stupid. That’s right, stupid. I’m not just talking about a few people either. All people are stupid.” He has them now, all eyes are upon him. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Kahlan sneak up the stairs, her boobies bouncing jauntily with each step.

“People are so stupid,” Richard continues, “that they refuse to ban fire, even when they know that it kills several people a year. I would like to tell you a few things about fire. Did you know that fire killed Abraham Lincoln? I know what you’re gonna say, ‘didn’t President Lincoln get shot?’ Well, that’s what they want you to believe, and you believe it because you are stupid. Did you know that fire is responsible for terrorism? ‘How can that possibly be true?’ you ask. I tell you it’s true, believe it. Did you know that fire is the number one cause of breast cancer? You didn’t, because you are stupid. We must come together as one, while somehow retaining our individuality, and put a stop to the monster known as fire! Who’s with me?”

Dead silence. While the patrons of the Communist Manipusso sit stunned by the utter ridiculousness of his argument, Richard makes his crafty way up the stairs. In the hallway at the top of the stairs Richard finds himself confronted with at least six doors. Damn, he hadn’t counted on that. Just when all hope seems to be lost, Richard hears the tell-tale rustle of boobies against silk coming from behind the second door on the left. Richard head-butts the door and finds himself in a room full of people.

To his left he sees a man in a resplendent chicken feather coat, this must be Jagang. Behind him stand two of his Imperial Order cronies. All three men have their guns drawn. To his right Richard spots Kahlan, and next to her sits a beautiful, and equally big boobied woman. Richard thinks this might be Nicci.

“Ah, so we finally meet, Richard Rahl,” Says Jagang, “I’ve been waiting for this ever since you murdered that little girl in the street.”
“That was 20 minutes ago.” Says Richard.
“Even so, even so.” Says Jagang.

Richard is not quit sure what that even means, but he plays along anyway, “Yes so, yes so.”
Jagang looks baffled for a second, then decides to move the conversation along, “Richard Rahl, you tried to take my sugernipples away from me, and for that I will kill you and eat your balls.”

Richard knows he is in big trouble, but then he remembers what his semi-retarded four year old cousin always said, “When you’re outnumbered an surrounded on all sides you must attack.”

Richard can find no holes in this argument, so he pretends to stretch and steals Jagang’s gun. All of the sudden a war breaks out. Then, as quickly as it started, the war is over. Richard looks around and sees that Jagang and his men are all dead. Kahlan and Nicci are of course unharmed.

“Thank you for saving me Richard,” says Nicci in her sultriest voice, “and thank you for making me a better person.”
“Shut up!” Richard screams with pleasure.
“How are we gonna get out of here?” asks Kahlan, “Those guys downstairs aren’t just gonna let us walk away.”
“I know,” says Nicci excitedly, “I’ll just take off my top. Those guys will be so busy staring at my boobies that they won’t lift a finger to stop us.”
“Great Plan!” Yell Richard and Kahlan in unison.

So Nicci takes off her top, and, after they pry Richard’s hands from her boobies, the three off them head downstairs. Hundreds of greedy faces shine up at them as they make their decent, and not a single one of them realizes who the are. All eyes are glued to Nicci’s funbags, even Richard’s, but Kahlan manages to drag him out the door.

Once they make it back to the car Richard snaps out of it, “Well, it looks like that little adventure is over,” he says, “what should we do now ladies?”

“Maybe I should take my shirt off too.” Says Kahlan coyly.
Richard’s thing immediately starts to rise. Kahlan laughs, Nicci laughs, Betty the goat laughs, then all the guys start to laugh.

Cue awesome instrumental theme music

Roll credits


- Myshkin


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