Richard the Chicken Slayer
Voice of Zedd: Previously on Richard the Chicken Slayer...
Zedd: You are the Seeker of Truth!
Kahlan: Help me, Richard! (Richard rescues Kahlan)
Zedd: Bags! I can't use my magic!
Kahlan: Richard, we can never be together because of my plot-device Confessor powers
Richard: The chickens are restless today
Sinister close-up of chicken eye watching him
(start theme music with montage of the characters in action...)
Richard examines his sword/Richard fights several men, who are taller than Richard even though Richard is tall/Richard grabs arrows out of the air/Richard pretends to stretch and steals a sword, and instantly a war breaks out
Kahlan is almost raped/Kahlan is almost raped/Kahlan is almost raped/Kahlan is almost raped
Zedd trips over his robes/Zedd loses his memory and dresses as a merchant/Zedd makes out with elderly sorceress/Zedd looks stern and wags his finger
Nicci gets her boobs out/Nicci unleashes a blast of Additive and Subtractive magic that blasts a melon-sized hole in a guard/Nicci falls to her knees with joy at the sight of a statue/Nicci tortures victim with a serene smile
(end theme music with lingering shot of Richard posing in his War Wizard outfit)
Opening scene - Kahlan cautiously enters the barn, looking around for potential rapists. All she sees is some chickens, innocently pecking at some corn. She steps forward... and instantly hears the barn door close behind her.
Kahlan: Who's there?
(an evil clucking noise comes from the shadows)
Kahlan: Richard? Is that you? This isn't funny.
(close-up of a chicken-claw scratching evilly at some dirt. Some sacking moves near the barn wall)
Kahlan approaches the sacking... (suspenseful music building to a crescendo...) she pulls it aside...
Chicken: WERK! (chicken flaps out at Kahlan, dummy shock, viewers sigh with relief))
Kahlan: Phew! It's just a chicken!
(Real shock! Chicken lunges at Kahlan and goes for the throat! Close-up of gaping chicken-maw coming towards the camera)
Kahlan: Aaaaaaaaaaaah!! (cheap fight scene where Kahlan wrestles with chicken pretending that it's really dangerous, shot from several different angles with that crayzee motion-blur technique)
Richard (bursting into the barn): Kahlan! (he instantly kills the chicken with one mighty blow from his mighty fist)
Kahlan (sobbing): It was a chicken... but it wasn't... what could this thing be?
Richard: That is a Chicken That Is Not A Chicken. I hope you fully understand the concept now. You see, I know a lot about representational designs involving lethality...
(Announcer's voice): Richard's speech continues, after the break!