Saturday, August 05, 2006

Goodkind meets Robert Jordan

The Wheel of Truth

'The wheel turns ... ... it was not the beginning but it was a beginning.

The two-mud-pool people haven't had visitors in two years. They have lived in isolation for two dozens of months. Not a single outsiders had entered their village for a hundred weeks. It was more than 700 days ago they had encountered a stranger.

Niccaeve tugged her braid at the sight of Lan. There was magic perverse sexual desires in his look. Niccaeve tugged her braid and smoothed her skirt. Lan glided from his horse in one single fluid motion. He smoothly came to an instant stop. Niccaeve smoothed her skirt then tugged her braid. Instantly, at the same time, in fact, simultaneously, Lan felt his thing rising.

Kahlaraine looked at all the two-mud-pool people. "I'm looking for Rand Ayn Rahl, the Seeker Reborn." Her gaze fell on a woodsman who wasn't a woodsman (but who had wood). In this instant she completely understood the concept of a woodsman who wasn't a woodsman (with wood). Kahlaraine flashed her titties. The woodsman stared (now with even more wood), Lan stared, everyone stared. Niccaeve tugged her braid.

Kahlaraine pointed at the woodsman. "The Seeker Reborn has to come with me to rape the armies of the Dark Chicken One. Here's your new outfit for the job, Rand Ayn Rahl". She searched in her saddlebags and found a black metal-studded under-thing outfit which she tossed to Rand.

Narg entered the scene and saw what's going on between Kahlaraine and Rand Ayn Rahl: "But Naaaaarrrrghhhh luuuuuurrrrhgs Raaaaaaarrrrggggh". In one stretching motion Narg gabbed Lan's sword and suddenly a war broke out in the same instant.

Suddenly the war ended. All the villagers were dead. Narg built a statue of immense power out of chewed testicles and ears.

The End

Of course, if you want to know where the access key to the statue is (hint hint, Kahlaraine is currently fondling it), tune in to the next installment of the TG meets RJ 'Crotch of Truth' series called: The Pillar Rising.'

- Polaris

The Tire of Time

First off, I must apologize to Robert Jordan. This parody is of the Sword of Truth, and should in no way be taken as an insult to the Wheel of Time. (although it could use one)

Now that the serious part is over, let the fun begin.

*Some names have been changed to protect the innocent…but don’t worry, you’ll know who they are *

Richard walked down the staircase to the sliph, wanting to travel to some spot in the Imperial Order so he could bring Perfect Moral Clarity to the communist bastards. He reached the sliph, and asked her to state her destinations.

The sliph complied, beginning her list. “….Palace of the Prophets, and Caemlin.”

Richard frowned. He had never heard the last one before. He knew, therefore, that they had never heard of his principles of Moral Righteousness, the Power of Individualism, and suchlike. He knew what he had to do. He removed the Sword of Truth from his back and told the sliph where he wanted to go.

Elaine sat in the Throne Room of Bandor, presiding nobly over her court, ignoring the flatteries of the assorted nobles. Her powerful dimple shone above the gathered masses and kept them in line. Her extended belly, containing her two children, also kept them in line. None wanted to encounter her swift and terrible wrath that came about because of her pregnancy. Even as she thought about it, she got angry. Stupid Crand she thought. He gets all the pleasure and I’m left to deal with the consequences. Suddenly, a figure appeared from seemingly out of nowhere, but in fact had appeared below and had worked his way up to the Throne Room. The figure raised his arms and spoke.

“Behold! All who yet have not heard my message, know me. I am Richard Rahl, and I am Reason and Truth! I bring forth the Power of Individualism, and firm Moral Clarity…”

After four hours and ten pages of Richard explaining Individualism and Morality, Elaine finally had enough. Her anger roared like a female lion in heat. “SHUT UP!” She screamed.

Richard stood, shocked. “Did you not listen woman? I am Trutrh, Reason, and Morality, and so you must….”

After another hour and three more pages of Richard talking, Elaine was unconscious. Her brain couldn’t handle the contradictions and the plain idiocy in Richard’s speech. Finally, something happed to shut Richard up. A hole appeared in midair, seeming to turn, but it didn’t, and opened up. A tall man walked out, and fell flat on his face as the gatepath was two feet above the ground. He got back up and looked at Richard.

“And who are you?” asked Crand, for that was who it was.

“I am Richard, and I am here to reveal the power or Moralism and Idividuality….”

After an hour and two pages, Crand was in the corner, crying in the foetal position. “Please, be quiet, quiet, we needs quiets, yesss, we do…” Finally, Crand had had enough. “Enough!” He shouted. “I am the Lord Dragon Rebirthed, and you will kneel…or be knelt on.”

Richard looked at the man who claimed to be a dragon. “Well, most pathetic Crand, I happen to know a dragon, and you sure don’t look like one.”

Rand looked at him in amazement. “You know Lewis Thuron Telemarketer? Can you convince him to shut up? He’s in my head here somewhere. No, that’s my list….oh, where is he….ahh, here he is. OK, you can tell him to shut up now.”

However, while Crand had been trying to find Lewis Theron Telemarketer in his brain, another person had appeared from seemingly nowhere, but again had come form the basement. Richard looked at the new arrival. “Kahlan!?! What are you doing here?”

Kahlan looked at him. “I knew you would be here. Here, I brought you this.” She handed him the Sword of Moral Justice, which was the Sword of Truth’s little brother. It was also not magical, unless Richard wielded it, in which case it channelled the spirits of great warriors to aid him in battle, so it could be carried through the sliph. Because she couldn’t detect its magic.

“Thank you, darlin wife. Ouch, what was that for? Oh right, sorry.” Richard turned to Crand. “Well then, if you will not kneel to me and speak the bond, I will be forced to kill you.”

Crand looked at him aghast. “You are a channeler?”

Richard looked at Crand. “Yes, yes I am. I channel Moral Purpose and…”

Thirty minutes and one page later, Crand punched Richard in the nose. “Creator, that felt good. OK then, I will not let you bond me your Warder, for as the Lord Dragon Rebirthed I am far more powerful than you can imagine.” With than, Crand drew his flaming sword and assume the Cat Gets Hit by Wagon stance. The arrogance of the stance affected Richard, and so he charged in.

Their fight lasted for hours, swords clashing. Moral Justice met flaming sword, and both warriors flashed through stances, each seeking the blood of the other. Finally, they pulled apart.

Crand looked at Richard. “You may be a match for me in sword, but are you in the Power?” as he spoke, he began weaving.

Richard looked at Crand. “Hah! I am the lord of all power. Bring it!” Suddenly, Richard could see the weaves around Crand gathering. He reached out to them, and began twisting them to his own purposes. However, he did not know the weaves for anything useful, and so all he made was a fog that slowly gathered around the room.

Crand was shocked at the skill Richard had shown when moving his weaves. “You’re a Forchosen! Die, servant of the Greyish One!” Crand then unleashed the Rotten Cherry weaves, and launched them at Richard. Richard laughed, and brought up Moral Justice to deflect it, which it did. Crand snarled and kept attacking, but Richard blocked them all with his sword. But then Richard felt some other type of power gathering, around the woman…Elaine.

“Mother’s cream in a glass, you two are annoying.” She said as she wove something Richard could barely see.

“Curse your womanly ways, what are you doing?” Richard screamed.

Elaine looked startled, then she laughed a bit, as she realized what that meant. Then she unleashed her weaves, which picked Richard and Crand up and threw them against the wall. “Men!” She said.

Richard turned to her, and laughed. “Women are the real problem. Ow!” He said, as Kahlan hit him. “Sorry, sorry, not you!”

Kahlan kept hitting Richard. Elaine joined her. “Aren’t men idiots?” Elaine asked.

“Yes, yes they are. I’m Kahlan, by the way.”


Eventually, Elaine and Kahlan made Richard and Crand make up, and Kahlan made Richard promise never to attack Crandland again, although they visited sometimes. Richard learned how to channel from both Crand and in secret Elaine.

So ends the first chapter in The Tire of Time…stay tuned for a possible second!! (if there is an appetite for one, of course)

- JCoj


Blogger Sam is gay said...

That was hilarious. Please write more.

7:31 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Make more, or I'll preach at you about justice and morality!

5:10 pm  
Blogger Erik said...

Hilarious, More please

8:39 pm  
Blogger GoldEdge2 said...

two wrongs don't make aright

5:35 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've read and appreciated both series and this makes me see them both in a new light. I have to reread both series to have some good laughs all because of this.

5:24 am  

Post a Comment

<< Home