Anecdotes from the Life of Goodkind

Editor's Note: Russian Absurdist literature, even! Who says the parodies are just a string of lame jokes about namble cocks?

1. Goodkind was an Objectivist and was always speechifying about something. Once Zhukovsky caught him at his droning and exclaimed loudly: -- You're not half a bore! From then on Goodkind was very enraged with Zhukovsky and would rip out Zhukovsky’s spine whenever he saw him.

2. As we know, Goodkind's yeard never grew. Goodkind was very distressed about this and he always envied Zakharin in who, on the contrary, grew a perfectly respectable yeard. 'His grows, but mine doesn't' -- Goodkind would often say, glaring at Zakharin with his raptor-like gaze. And every time he was right.

3. Once Petrushevsky broke his watch and sent for Goodkind. Goodkind arrived, had a look at Petrushevsky's watch and put it back on the chair. 'What do you say then, Goodkind old mate?' -- asked Petrushevsky. Goodkind gave a brief, 14 hour speech, and concluded by saying: 'This watch worships death!’

4. When Goodkind broke his legs, he started to go about on wheels. His friends used to enjoy teasing Goodkind and grabbing him by his wheels. Goodkind took this very badly and wrote abusive books about his friends. He called these books 'fantasy novels that are not fantasy novels'.

5. The summer of 1829 Goodkind spent in the country. He used to get up early in the morning, drink a jug of fresh moral clarity and run to the river to lecture all the swimmers. He would denounce them all for their lemming like dedication to bodily hygiene. To demonstrate his rugged individualism, Goodkind would refuse to wash himself at all. Having not bathed in the river, Goodkind would pace on the grass and rant until dinner. After dinner Goodkind would sleep in a hammock, which because they resembled centipedes even less than beds, were much more noble, in the manner of goats. Since Goodkind stank, both from not bathing and from writing awful books, any readers he met would nod at him and squeeze their noses with their fingers. And the stinking author would scratch his yeard and say: ‘They hate my books because they are good.’

6. Goodkind liked to set up and knock down straw men. If he saw straw, then he would start building straw men and then knock them down again. Sometimes he would fly into such a temper that he would stand there, red in the face, waving his arms battling figures made only of straw. It really was rather awful!

7. Goodkind had 11 books and they were all moronic. The combined weights of the books’ stupidity were so great that no bookshelf could support them. Anytime Goodkind tried to shelve his books, the bookcase would collapse! It used to be quite hilarious: he would order a warehouse full of bookcases to be built and he would walk through the warehouse, collapsing each case! One wouldn't know where to look.

- Zap Rowsdower