Thursday, April 12, 2007

Goodkind's Democracy In Action

"Gang rape, after all, is democracy in action" - Terry Goodkind, in a recent online Q&A
Before I begin this parody I want to add the following disclaimer: I am not a very politically motivated person and as such I don't know everything about the subject matter, so if I get some details wrong, upset someone with my portrayal of anything please understand that I am not doing so intentionally. I don't want to divert this thread into a heated political discussion. My only purpose is to create something which others will hopefully find funny and take the chronic piss out of that asshat Tairy Goodkind. Thank you.

In an instant, suddenly the lights went out. Kahlan was in the dark. There was no light for Kahlan to see anything around her. Her surroundings were a complete mystery to her. A mystery she just had to solve. Immediately.
She had been on her way back to the palace where Richard was waiting for her after checking on Zedd who was hiding his identity from Richard so that he would be able to identify some magic whatsit danger thing which threatened to, erm, well the reason is convoluted and stupid, makes little logical sense so I won't dwell any further on this irrelevant detail. The point of the human theme I am getting at is Kahlan has been magically transported to someplace dark that she does not know.

A voice spoke to her now. Masculine. Loud. Echoy.
'Kahlan, I am an evil and powerful spirit who has summoned you here through space and time to test a theory of mine. I have brought others to this place too. A place shaped to be familiar to you.'
The room lightened around her. A circular stone room with a deep pit dug in the ground before her. Kahlan screamed but could not move away. This was the pit where she had been almost raped (chapter 59, Stone of Tears - rather than any of the other dozen or so occasions).
'You should know that your magic will not work here.' It was true, Kahlan could feel the emptiness inside her were she would normally be able to feel the churning anger of her magic, her powerful Mother Confessor magic which allowed her to take command of anybody who she touched and claimed as her own. She felt so alone and naked without her magic.

'Right then, throw her in.' Said the voice. Unseen hands lifted her body up and carried her towards the pit.
'You don't have to do this. Please, please? Nooooooooooooooooooo!' She sailed out over a vacuum which pulled her down. The sinking feeling of "oh no, not again" accompanied her descent into the hole. Just like the hole which clenched her stomach into a knot of rigid terror right at that moment. Just like the emptiness of the hole of her missing magic.

Hands caught her. Mens hands. Grasping hands. Groping hands.
Keeping a reign on her terror, she remembered how she got out of this the last time it happened.
'Wait! You are doing it wrong. If you back off, do me one at a time. I will do anything you want. Please I know you are going to rape me and there is nothing I can do to stop you, but I want to be able to enjoy this too. I've always wanted to have really dirty sex at the bottom of a pit with evil criminals because I am really a wanton, dirty whore. So lets do this my way, what do you say?'

'An interesting proposal, however new proposals must be documented in triplicate and submitted for approval by the majority of Gang Rapers in said gang before any new course of action can be actioned by the Rapists in question.'
'What?' Said a stunned Kahlan. The hands let her go and the group of men backed off.
'George you are overcomplicating things, always worried about the paperwork. Are you obfuscating the proceedings of this gang rape with this political red tape?'
'I agree with Mr Adams,' mumbled a tall gentleman with an American accent. Kahlan thought he might be a good mark for the one to use against the others when her powers returned.
'We do not require a document declaring our independent intent to impale this wench upon the length of our erect manhoods, against the wishes of said whore. A simple vote carried by the majority should be enough to convince us of the righteousness of our purposes.' Said a bearded man with an English accent.
'Absolutely. A binding agreement can be ratified in short order. If the people want to gang rape, they will gang rape.'

Kahlan felt this was not going according to plan.
'Who are you?'
'I am George Washington, my dear whore and I have been plucked from history and brought here by some strange force to test some theory. We have to rape you in order to be returned to where we belong.'
'I am John Adams and this is my compatriot Benjamin Franklin and the tall fellow there is Thomas Jefferson. However I am not certain who these gentleman are.'
'I am Simon De Montfort,' said the man with the English accent.
'You called the first directly-elected democratic government since ancient Greece in 1265.' Said Benjamin Franklin. 'Good on ya. How strange that there are no men from other time periods here.'

'Well actually there are. I am Lucius Junnis Brutus, first elected Consul of Rome.'
'Hang on, weren't you elected to the position after removing the previous ruling family because of an obnoxious shit who raped one of your kinswomen? Is it in any way appropriate for you to become a rapist yourself now?'
'Yeah well, fuck it you know.'
'I think we can all agree that we must rape this wanton wench,' Said a short frenchman, 'The more important question is who should go first?'
'Aren't you Napoleon Bonaparte? What are you doing here?'
'I have embraced Liberalism in the later years of my life and as a Liberal I feel it is only right that the less represented are given a fair chance. Ergo, short people have as much right to go first as the taller, stronger men do.'

An argument broke out amongst the men as they tried to decide a fair and democratic process of choosing who would be the first one to rape Kahlan. Loud sentances overrode the others as one voice stood out from the others at random occasions in the fracas.
'The role of primary rapist must be voted for in a fair and impartial manner!"
'I insist we draw up a constitutional contract outlying our goals!'
'Yes the details are important!'
'Damnation to the paperwork. This is not the Declaration of Gang Rape Dependence!'
'We never intended that as a cornerstone of democratic thinking, it was supposed to be a big fuck you to the King of England and you know it!'
'I don't really care anymore so long as we get to bone this girl into submission!"

Finally one man pushed his way through from the back of the group and declared loudly, silencing the others (the silence rang like a bell of course).
'I am Aristotle and I invented democracy, therefore I go first!'
'Not that we are not grateful to you old boy but supreme executive primary gang rape power can only be derived by a mandate from the masses. That means us and your skinny ass ain't getting my vote!' The heated debate raged once more.
'Let me do it. I'm almost ready to burst over her face here anyway.' Said Benjamin Franklin.
'You always were good at the money shot!' Said Jefferson.
'But we need to institute a voting procedure and determine our candidates before we can even talk about who goes first and the process of ejaculation will require weeks of discussion leading up to the projected moment of orgasm.'
The men were unable to agree on anything it seemed.

Kahlan stared at the crazy democratic men for a moment and then thought to herself,
'Fuckery! If I don't do something quick I won't get any action here.'
So then she said to the assembled group,
'You know if you were Objectivists, one of you would have already beaten the others to a bloody pulp and be raping me by now.'
The men all stopped talking and stared at her for a moment.
Then they all burst out laughing. Kahlan's face burned red in embarrassment.
'Why are you laughing?'

'Because your objectivist philosophy is so fundamentally flawed it only serves to highlight the falseness of your actions. You claim that the only irreducible bedrock of truth is what you yourself want and to do anything else is morally wrong and chooses death. However we are talking about the complex ideologies of governance and the social impact this has on the individual. While you may not like the process of democracy, and hell we can't even agree on what that should be ourselves, to choose any system of governance which does away with central control or majority rule is doomed to failure because of one simple fact: people are stupid.

Any philosophy of Individualism which places the responsibility of governance solely in the hands of an individual is open to a vast array of problems because, simply put, most people are incapable of handling the moral implications of this. You can try to educate everyone, try to imprint a moral code which promotes a utopian world where everyone does the right thing all the time - but it just will not happen because while it is achievable for some it is not achievable for all.

We do not live in a perfect world where magic can get you out of every conceivable problem that arises like it does in yours and to follow your philosophy would only lead to a dictatorship rule where one man what says is right and without having to give reason or justification for his actions. Claiming that Richard is the personification of truth and reason is a straw crutch which simply does not exist in the real world because the thoughts and motivations within ones head cannot be seen by others but only interpreted by ones actions.

As such the only fair and morally right action is to allow a majority to carry the point with considerations given to the welfare of the minority so that every individual has an equal say and an equal right insofar as is humanly possible. No, this does not always work as well as it should and its true course is disrupted by bureaucratic procedure, political correctness, corrupt and greedy officials - but these are separate issues from whether democracy is a failure as a system of government. It may not be perfect, but its what we have and is better than any other alternative.

Can you not understand what I am saying to you?' George Washington finally finished his speech.

'How do you know so much about my world all of a sudden?' Said Kahlan.
'Look the details are not important.' Said Franklin.
'But you said the details were important a minute ago.' Replied Kahlan.
'I thought a contradiction could not exist. Your philosophy not mine.' Said John Adams.
'I thought that was what it should be, but I'm not so sure anymore for some reason.' Said Kahlan puzzled.
'Erm, I'm not sure what is going on anymore. My mind is swirling with anarchistic thoughts!' Said Simon De Montfort.
'I think I might say shit in a moment!' Said Aristotle.
'Whats happening?' Said Lucius Junnis Brutus.

'I am subverting the course of democracy and instead promoting an agenda of anarchism! Muhahah!' Said a man suddenly appearing.
'Johnny Rotten?' Said Napoleon.
'Thats right fuckers! Anarchy for Dhara! Its coming some day and we don't care!'

At this point the quantum singularity bubble of reality occupying this space collapses under the mass of its own stupidity and compacts down to the size of a small peanut before imploding with a barely audible pop.

- theMountainGoat


Blogger Fence said...

I'm totally flummoxed by that quote. Did he really say that? WTF doesn't come close

8:19 pm  
Blogger Alice said...

Yep, that's a genuine quote - if you check out his official website at, there's a whole load more where that came from...

4:02 pm  
Blogger Fence said...

That really makes me want to take back buying his books. But they are so bad I just can't help but marvel! Still I don't buy them new, so in a way, its still all good.

4:04 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very entertaining :)

Though after reading the interview where the quote originates, I feel that you have pulled it completely out of context. After all, he is just making a point (a bad one i grant) about the majority (democracy) not always being in the right.

11:06 pm  
Blogger Alice said...

Andy - to be fair, it doesn't make much more sense in context, it's just another one of his ridiculous strawman arguments, spiced up a bit for his immature fanboy audience with a gratuitous rape reference. Kinda like the Sword of Truth series in miniature.

1:05 pm  
Blogger Captain Yossarian said...

So terrible, but so hilarious. The intellectual part of me is telling me this is totally wrong, but it really can't get a word in edgewise 'cause I've been laughing so damn hard. Brilliant work. All of these.

5:48 am  

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