Three Noble Goats Gruff

Once upon a time there were three noble goats, who were to go up to the hillside to make themselves fat, and the name of all three was "Gruff."

On the way up was a bridge over a cascading stream they had to cross; and under the bridge lived a great ugly Troll that-is-not-a Troll , but evil incarnate, with eyes as big as saucers, and a nose as long as a poker. Clearly he does not get to the shops often and is very hungry.

So first of all came the youngest Noble Goat Gruff to cross the bridge.

"Trip, trap, trip, trap! " went the bridge.

"Who's that tripping over my bridge?" roared the Troll that-is-not-a Troll .

"Oh, it is only I, the tiniest Noble Goat Gruff , and I'm going up to the hillside to make myself fat," said the Noble goat, with such a small voice. Small to suit the Noble Goat's small stature which was smaller than the other Noble Goats.

"Now, I'm coming to gobble you up," said the Troll that-is-not-a Troll. The Noble Goat made an instant choice.

"No! I may be little and undersized," said the Noble goat. " but I am an objectivist and will not obligingly choose death. When you are vastly outsized and outmatched by a superior opponent. You have no choice, you must attack! Never mind the fact that my bigger brother, the second Noble Goat Gruff, who has more meat on his bones, is following behind me and I could trick you into thinking that you could eat him instead. I choose life and will choose to defend it against any who would take it from me. I am the bringer of death. Don't make me do this, back out now before somebody gets hurt, I beg you."

"Aaaargh, your objectivist philosophy is making my head hurt," said the Troll that-is-not-a Troll. "Well, be off with you." The tiniest Noble Goat Gruff continued on his journey up the hill while the Troll that-is-not-a Troll soothed his aching head in the cool stream.

A little while after came the second Noble Goat Gruff to cross the bridge.

Trip, trap, trip, trap, trip, trap, went the bridge.

"Who's that tripping over my bridge?" roared the Troll that-is-not-a Troll.

"Oh, it's the second Noble Goat Gruff , and I'm going up to the hillside to make myself fat," said the Noble goat, who hadn't such a small voice. He was bigger than the first Noble Goat which was small and had a larger voice because he is bigger.

"Now I'm coming to gobble you up," said the Troll that-is-not-a Troll.

"I am a Noble Goat Gruff, remember?"

"Oh right," said the Troll that-is-not-a Troll puzzled. "Very well! Be off with you,"

But just then up came the big Noble Goat Gruff.

Trip, trap, trip, trap, trip, trap! went the bridge, for the Noble goat was so heavy that the bridge creaked and groaned under him.

"Who's that tramping over my bridge?" roared the Troll that-is-not-a Troll.

"It's I! The big Noble Goat Gruff ," said the Noble goat, who had a strong and commanding voice of his own. Being a very large Noble Goat he had a big large voice, not like the smaller Noble Goats before who had proportionally smaller voices.

"Now I 'm coming to gobble you up," roared the Troll that-is-not-a Troll.

"Well, come along! I've got two spears, And I'll poke your eyeballs out at your ears, I've got besides two curling-stones, And I'll crush you to bits, body and bones. I will cut off your testicles and make you eat them. Then I will hunt down every Troll I can find, even females and children, cut off their heads and stick them on stakes, burn down your bridges, salt your streams, make long speaches to my fellow Noble Goats who will agree with me and if they do not I will sentance them to gang rapes and a slow agonising death through torture just so they can learn this true and noble lesson. Because it is not evil if we do it."

That was what the big Noble goat said. And then he flew at the Troll that-is-not-a Troll, and poked his eyes out with his horns, and crushed him to bits, body and bones, and tossed him out into the cascade, and after that he went up to the hillside. There the Noble goats got so fat they were unable to walk home again. Before too long the Noble Goats realised that be being such gluttons they had invited death rather than choosing life and waddled over to the cliff top to hurl themselves off immediately in shame at their objectivist failure; and so,

Snip, snap, snout. This tale's told out.

- theMountainGoat