Thursday, October 26, 2006

Richard Hood and his Merry Mord Sith

Richard Hood, Richard Hood, riding through the fields
Richard Hood and the Mord Sith, holding their agiels
His enemies are bad
His allies are good!
Richard Hood!

*Twangg!* Another perfect shot from Richard, the arrow pierced the acorn balanced on the head of the squirrel, ricocheted off a nail, knocked the teeth from a passing 8-year-old (leaving a melon-sized hole) and whizzed past the eyes of his adoring Mord Sith outlaw band before ricocheting off a passing cart and heading back towards him. He grabbed it from the air effortlessly, to polite applause.

These merry outlaws were the scourge of Sherwood Forest. Their leader, the notorious Richard Hood, was an ex-woodsman who turned to crime after a revelation he had while on the Crusades. Realising that 1) everyone was stupid 2) good intentions lead to bad results 3) you need to deserve victory 4) Richard is always Right 5) blah 6) blah blah 7) etc, he had formed his band of torturers and begun to ravage the countryside around Nottingham. These merciless women (men were only allowed if they were old, weak or stupid, so that Richard wouldn't be shown up) would track down and destroy all followers of Bad King Jagang, stating that only the return of his brother, Good King Richard, would end their lawless ways. They stole from the rich and... well, the poor had chosen to live in squalor, and giving them the money would only encourage them to be weak, so they mostly spent the money on haircare and exciting leather underthings.

Richard's broad shoulders strained against the soft (yet masculine) fabric of his War Outlaw outfit, a light breeze catching a lock of his hair as he struck a dramatic pose. Here was a figure of true manliness, the ideal to which all should strive - his clean-shaven jaw, jutting from a masterful visage where dwelt an aquiline nose of noble proportions. Raptor-like eyes shot out from under eyebrows that were harsh but fair, and shone with the clear light of one who has seen the truth. His mighty and muscular thighs were clad in tight black leather, and were full of the strength of many men. His chest shone with the glow of manly sweat, and, excuse me...

...ahem. Richard towered over his bride, as he was taller than her; she, being but a woman, was shorter than Richard, a tall man whose height was greater, though she was tall for a woman, but not as tall as her husband. She was still known as Maid Karion, having managed to maintain her virginity despite several attempted rapes. Richard didn't like to stop the abductions, as he would get his kicks from watching the preliminaries, then step in to rescue her before anything got too serious. Richard had "issues" when it came to women, and despite several overtures from his beloved, still refused to sleep with her. Karion had brought a message from Sister Verna, the fat, tonsured nun whose deadly skill with a quarterstaff had ensured her entry to the outlaw band, despite her not being young, attractive and big-breasted.

"Sister Verna says that Sister Bobby Mae and Sister Joleen have been captured! The Sheriff will execute them if you don't surrender!" said Karion breathlessly. Richard's mind raced. One problem with the gang's outfits was that the red leather was very conspicuous in the green woods, and they tended to get captured all the time; it also hindered their robberies as their victims could see them coming a mile off.

Richard decided he couldn't be bothered with an elaborate rescue attempt. "I choose life!" he roared. "My life is more important than theirs, and if I try to rescue these nuns, then I am not being true to myself! To stay here and sit on my arse is the only moral thing to do!"

Karion tried again. "But they'll be executed! You have to do something!"

"No, you see, it's OK," said Richard, through teeth clenched in anger, "The Sheriff eats hamsters, which means he's the bad guy; as long as I don't do anything as bad as that, I'm the good guy, so all my decisions are necessarily correct. It's simple logic!"

Karion couldn't argue with that, so they all went and had a picnic.


Blogger Unknown said...

You are a genius and I love you.

5:34 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol, i love a good piss take

1:56 pm  

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