Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Conquest: Fighting like War Wizards

Peter Woodward: “Today our team will learn how to fight and conquer as a War Wizard. One would thing that being a War Wizard is easy but it’s far from it, it takes a very special kind of person to be a War Wizard. Are they ready? We will find the answer in today’s episode of Conquest!”

The images show a cave and Peter Woodward appears dressed in a black outfit, he has a sword strapped across his back. Suddenly the other members of his team; a bunch of men and the blond girl surround him. They are dressed as soldiers, protected by plate and mail, the girl is dressed in red leather.

Peter’s Voice: "Our War Wizard is surrounded by many enemies and his situation seems hopeless but this soldiers and the evil Mord Sid have made a terrible mistake."

Suddenly Peter Woodward unsheathes his sword, whispers something, and starts fighting and “killing” his enemies.

Peter’s Voice: "What these imperial Order scum ignore is that they are acting as a collective thing, like a centipede and they are easy picking for a full trained War Wizard."

Peter kills the last of the soldiers and then turns to the camera: “It’s been easy; in fact everything is easy if you are a War Wizard, you only need moral clarity.” Peter helps the members of his crew, who were playing death to stand.

Peter approaches his crew, they are dressed in modern clothes, around them there are a few training props.

Peter Woodward: “Hello, today you are going to train as War Wizards, first of all you need a war wizard outfit.”

He hands them black outfits and few seconds later they appear dressed in black. All but the girl who is dressed in a long white dress.

Peter Woodward: “Good, now you look the part. Here you have the War Wizard weapon: a common sword that you must carry across your back. This sword is special; it has the word Truth engraved on it. Now pay attention to this.”

Peter Woodward unsheathes his sword and says: “Blade be true this day.”

The members of the crew start practicing this move. In a few hours they have managed to master it and can move to more complex things.

Peter Woodward: “What makes a War Wizard so terrible in battle is not his training, as you already know a War Wizard does not train, his knowledge is absorbed by a complex non magical osmosis from his sword. A War Wizard sword has surely belonged to other War Wizards and it’s their fighting ability what seeps into you. Where the first war wizard got his knowledge from if he did like you is a question that we are not going to answer.”

Peter Woodward makes sweeping gesture with his sword and continues.

Peter Woodward: “The problem is that you have to find the way to channel these powers, the very energy that will allow you to conquer your enemies. For this you will need moral clarity and being terribly angry.”

Peter leads his pupils to an area were several manikins representing small girls have been placed. The manikin’s faces are made of porcelain.

Peter Woodward: “Now you must place yourselves in front of these representations of a spoiled little princess and wait for your “thing” to rise up. When you manage to do this you will be able to...”

Peter kicks the manikin that he has in front of him in the face and breaks it. Now he looks very pissed proving that he is a great actor. The member of his team follow suit and, after getting angry, smash manikins’ faces.

Peter surveys his pupils as they train. When they are done he takes them to another place where they meet a scary looking man.

Peter Woodward: Surely you thought that kicking little girl’s faces was hard but this is just the beginning. By now you will have understood that a War Wizard does not use weapons because He is the weapon. I want to introduce you to John (A man is shown but his face is hidden, edited under the trademark granulated imaging of History Channel). John has done some nasty work with the SAS and he will teach you a very special War Wizard move: ripping spinal chords with your bare hands! Time to get dirty.

Peter’s crew learns the basics of ripping spinal chords with their bare hands under the wise guidance of a man who calls himself John. They use dummies filled with animal entrails and finally understand why War Wizard outfits are black: to better hide the bloodstains.

Now there is a Commercial Pause.

After the ads there is an advancement of the following documentary: Battleground, also dedicated to Richard Rahl. It shows, with state of the art computer graphics (the art of 1998), the D’Haran victory over the Imperial Order. There are images of Jagang haranguing his troops (the twelve of them) and Richard doing the same (the three of them but you can see a woman dressed in white and a man dressed in the same clothes that wore the guy who played Gandalf in the shoddy History Channel documentary dedicated to the Lord of the Rings). All reconstructions have the granulated look that History Channel fans have learned to love. They even show that image of the Egyptians riding horses (the horror) in the battle of Kadesh and of course the fat guy who played Ramses II.

There is also an ad for the documentary: Richard Rahl in the Bible.

The Commercial Pause ends and we are back to Peter training grounds. Peter is teaching his crew the War Wizar stretching technique.

Peter Woodward: this technique can be very useful should you find yourselves surrounded by say a hundred heavy armoured Imperial Order soldiers. Making them think that you are stretching you can get hold of a sword and proceed to kill them all.

In the following five minutes Peter’s crew learns how to steal a sword with this lame technique.

Peter Woodward: “Now you have gone through your war wizard training and it’s time you prove that you are a real Objectivist Avenger. Your final test will be hard; I imagine that you expect the fight of ones against the others in this series’ usual fashion but no. This time you will be facing something far more terrible in a war wizard mind than mere soldiers. This time you will be facing peace protestors.”

In front of them a crowd of hippies is formed, they wear flowers in their heads and chant “All we are saying is give peace a chance”.

Peter Woodward: “I know that this won’t be easy; your democratic upbringing will tell you that these peaceful hippies are in their right to protest if favour of peace and you are right, but here you are not actors or stunts, you are war wizards and your duty is to conquer and destroy those who lack moral clarity. You have to let your thing grow inside you and then attack.”

The camera zooms on Peter as the members of his team beat the crap out of the peace protestors in the background (it all make believe but it’s quite impressive nonetheless).

Peter Woodward: “Today our team has learned how to fight and conquer as war wizards. Join us in the next episodes when they will learn to fight like Dothraki Screamers, Water Dancers and Dwarfish Ninjas.”
- Agulla


Anonymous Anonymous said...

haha, good stuff.

10:22 am  

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