Terry Goodkind's Labyrinth
A Myshkin Joint
Cue super cool David Bowie song
Kahlan was standing in the park fantasizing about the Commie King when she instantly remembered she was an hour late to baby-sit her 30 year old boyfriend Richard. Instantly she ran across town and was suddenly on her front porch.
“I hate babysitting that stupid Richard,” Kahlan thought to herself before entering the house.
“Kahlan, where have you been,” screamed her evil stepmother as soon as Kahlan walked through the door.
“I hate you’” Kahlan instantly screamed back, “Why do I always have to watch Richard while you go out and get drunk?”
“He is your boyfriend,” raged her evil stepmother.
Kahlan ran up the stairs and was suddenly slamming her bedroom door. Instantly she flopped down on her bed, where she laid, boobies heaving, for a very long time.
Suddenly Kahlan realized that her favorite vibrator, Sir Truthalot, was missing.
“Somebody’s been in my room again,” Kahlan righteously raged. Instantly she ran to Richard’s nursery and found Sir Truthalot lying on the floor. Richard was asleep in his crib, he was wearing that stupid war wizard outfit again.
“How many times do I have to tell you not to touch my vibrators,” Kahlan screamed, awaking Richard.
“Don’t tell me what to do,” Richard screamed back, “I am a free and noble individual who won’t be subjugated to your will”.
“Stop preaching. Why are you always preaching? If you don’t stop preaching I will call the Commie King to come and take you away to the Commie City where he will keep you forever and turn you into a pinko.”
Richard’s eyes were flashing now, and Kahlan could tell that his thing was rising. She had to do something fast before he ripped her spine out with his bare hands.
“Commie King, Commie King, where ever you might be, take this boyfriend of mine far away from me.” Nothing happened. Richard began preaching again. He was saying something ridiculous about fire.
“Richard stop it,” Kahlan sighed, “Oh, I wish the commies would come take you away.”
On her way back to her room Kahlan suddenly realized she could no longer hear Richard preaching. Instantly she raced back to the nursery. When she arrived at the nursery the lights were all off and Richard was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly a shadow stretched across the floor. Kahlan instantly looked up and saw a glorious man standing by the open window. He was tall and handsome, and was wearing extremely tight clothes with a magnificent codpiece. He was all glittery. He was Jagang, the Commie King.
“What have you done with my boyfriend,” Kahlan asked, “Please give him back, I didn’t mean it.”
“What’s said is said,” said the Commie King, in his totally sexy voice.
“Please, I have to have my boyfriend back,” Kahlan whimpered.
“He’s there, in my castle,” said the Commie King, pointing out the window.
Kahlan looked out the window. In the distance she could see a huge labyrinth, at the center of which stood a grand castle. “It doesn’t look too far,” she said.
“It’s farther than you think,” purred the Commie King, “You have 13 hours in which to solve the labyrinth before your boyfriend becomes one of us forever.” And instantly he disappeared.
Instantly Kahlan found herself in an alien landscape. Suddenly she saw the wall of the Labyrinth several hundred yards in front of her. She was in for quite a journey, luckily she was wearing her traveling pants.
“Come on boobs, let’s get going,” Kahlan said to herself. As she neared the wall Kahlan saw a short, ugly commie pissing into the moat. “Excuse me,” she said.
“Bags and double bags,” cried the commie, “what do you think you’re doing sneaking up on me like that?”.
“Sorry, but do you know how to get into the labyrinth, Mr. uh….,” asked Kahlan instantly.
“My name is Zedd, and the door is right there you idiot,” said Zedd.
“Zedd’s dead, baby. Woops, wrong story. Thanks for the directions, Zudd,” said Kahlan.
“It’s Zedd, you stupid bitch.”
Kahlan instantly entered the labyrinth, and found herself staring at a blank wall. She looked left, right, and left again. It all looked the same as far as the eye could see. Suddenly she made a decision and went right. After running for ages without finding a turn-off Kahlan threw a tantrum then slumped down against the wall.
Kahlan instantly looked around for the source of the voice. Suddenly she saw a fuzzy worm on the wall, “Did you say hello?”
“No you moron, I said ‘ello,” said the fuzzy worm.
“I’m sorry Mr. Worm but I’m not in a good mood. I’ve been running in this labyrinth forever and I haven’t seen a single turn yet,” whined Kahlan.
“What are you, stupid,” asked the fuzzy worm, “There’s a turning right in front of you.”
Kahlan looked up, and found to her surprise that the worm was right. Curse her womanly ways, she had never even thought of actually looking for a turn.
“Oh, thank you so much Mr. worm,” Kahlan shouted joyously, and ran off towards the opening, preparing to go left.
“No, not that way,” shouted the worm, “never that way,”
“Oh, okay,” said Kahlan, and took the right hand passage.
“Dumb broad,” said the worm, “if she’d have gone that way our story would have ended way to early.”
In the castle at the heart of the labyrinth Jagang sat lazily on his throne. All around him his faithful little commies sat, being bored to death by Richard’s incessant preaching.
“How do I get this guy to shut up,” Jagang asked himself, “I know, I’ll drown him out by singing a song.” Instantly he jumped up and grabbed one of the commies:
Cue awesome 80’s beat
You remind me of the Dick
The Dick with the power
The power of Truthdoo
Remind me of the Dick
I saw my Richard
Cryin’ hard as Dick could cry
What could I do?
My Dicky’s Truth had gone
And left my Dicky blue
What kind of magic spell to use?
Voodoo dolls or enemy balls?
Deus ex machina?
And Richard said:
Truth magic Truth
Truth magic Truth
Put that Truthy spell on me…
Rage magic Rage
Rage magic Rage
Put that Truthy spell on me
Smack that Dicky, make him pee…
Kahlan suddenly found herself in a completely different part of the labyrinth. She wondered around aimlessly for quite some time, making random marks on the walls, not really sure why. Suddenly she saw two weirdo culturally diverse guys standing in front of two doors. “Hey, where’d you guys come from?”
“We’ve been here the whole time,” said one.
“Yeah, you’ve been staring at us for the past 15 minutes,” said the other.
“Oh,” said Kahlan, “Hey, where do those doors lead to anyway?”
“One leads to the castle, the other to certain death,” said the weirdo on the left.
“It’s your job to figure out which is which,” said the weirdo on the right.
“Well which one leads to the castle,” demanded Kahlan.
“Are you deaf,” said the left weirdo, “didn’t we just tell you that it was your job to figure that out?”
“I’ll give you a clue, though,” said the right weirdo, “One of us always lies, and the other always tells the truth.”
“Well, since you are both pinko commies, I know that both of you are liars.” And with that Kahlan shoved the left weirdo to the ground and went through his door.
“Ha, I’m so smart,” said Kahlan, and instantly fell through the hole in the ground at that instant.
Kahlan fell and fell, until suddenly a bunch of hands were grabbing her boobies.
“Help, help,” she cried.
“We are helping.” Said one of the hands, “we’re the helping hands.”
“Oh,” said Kahlan, “but would you mind not grabbing my boobies so hard?”
“Would you rather we let you go?” asked the hand and let go. Instantly Kahlan was plummeting again. But just when she thought all was lost the hands grabbed her again.
“Which way do you want to go,” asked the hand, “up or down?”
“Well, Richard likes it when I go down, so I guess down it is,” said Kahlan.
When Kahlan hit the bottom of the shaft she was in total darkness. Suddenly she heard a scuffling sound.
“Who’s there,” Kahlan instantly asked.
“It’s me, Zedd,” said Zedd as he lit a lantern, “I’m here to show you the way out of the labyrinth.”
“No, I don’t want out. I need to get to the castle,” cried Kahlan. Then an idea struck her, “Tell you what, I’ll show you my boobies if you help me reach the castle,” she offered.
Zedd visibly struggled with the idea for an instant, then said, “You got a deal, baby.”
Kahlan lifted up her shirt. Suddenly a testicle rolled by on the floor. Kahlan instantly looked up and was surprised to see a strange man sitting there wearing a cloak and hat.
Suddenly the man stood up, discarding both cloak and hat.
“Oh my God, it’s Ziggy Stardust,” squealed Kahlan.
“What the fuck are you talking about,” said Zedd, “that’s Jagang, the Commie King.”
“Oh,” said Kahlan, “sorry, my mistake. But really you can’t blame me. I mean, look at him.”
“What’s this,” asked Jagang, choosing to ignore the interplay between Zedd and Kahlan, “Are you trying to help this girl Zidd?”
“It’s Zudd,” corrected Kahlan.
“God damn it, my name is ZEDD. I mean seriously how fucking hard is that?”
“So, tell me Kahlan,” said Jagang, “how are you finding my little labyrinth so far?”
“Piece of cake,” declared Kahlan.
“Bags and double bags, you really fucked up now,” cursed Zedd.
“Piece of cake is it,” mused Jagang, “Well then lets make it a little harder, shall we,” and he threw the testicle down the corridor and instantly disappeared. Suddenly a sound broke out.
“What’s that,” asked Kahlan, trying to keep the fear from her voice.
“Oh my God,” screamed Zedd, “It’s the Representational Design Involving Lethality. Run!!!” and he ran.
Kahlan and Zedd ran and ran, all the while the Representational Design Involving Lethality gaining on them. Suddenly Zedd found a ladder leading up. Instantly Kahlan and Zedd climbed the ladder.
When they reached the top Kahlan looked around. They were in a new part of the labyrinth. Instantly she spotted the castle, “We need to go that way,” she declared brilliantly.
Just then a mighty roar erupted from somewhere close by. Kahlan looked at Zedd. Zedd pissed himself and ran off. Kahlan almost did the same, but then she thought better of it.
She looked around a corner and instantly saw the source of the roar. A large gar was hanging upside down while a bunch of ugly commies were poking him with babies tied to sticks.
“That poor gar,” said Kahlan, “I’ve got to do something.” There was only one thing to do. Kahlan pretended to stretch and grabbed a baby on a stick. Suddenly a war broke out. Instantly the war was over. There were commie bodies laying everywhere, and beautiful arcs of blood still hung in the air.
“Graaatch doooowwn,” moaned the gar.
“Oh, is that your name, Gratch?,” asked Kahlan.
“Of course it’s my name you stupid bitch, why do you think I said it?” growled Gratch.
“Um…. Graaatch doooowwn,” Gratch moaned again, cleverly covering up his faux pas.
“Oh, you poor thing,” whined Kahlan, “I’ll get you down right now,” and she cut the rope, dropping Gratch on his head.
“Graaatch luuug Kaaahlaar,” said Gratch.
“Oh I love you too Gratch,” cooed Kahlan. Then she had an idea, “Hey Gratch, do you know how to get to the castle?”
Gratch shook his head, no. Well, they’d just have to find a way together.
“Come on Gratch, we’ve got a long way to go if we ever want to finish this parody.”
Kahlan and Gratch walked through a forest, which had mysteriously popped up in the middle of the labyrinth.
“Graaatch scaaared,” whimpered Gratch.
“There’s nothing to be scared of, Gratch,” said Kahlan as Gratch fell through a hole in the ground.
Kahlan walked on for several miles before she noticed that Gratch was missing.
“Gratch,” she called, “Gratch, where are you?”
Suddenly a group of invisible lizards showed up. There were five of them all told, and they looked like maybe they’d been smoking a little too much pot.
“Hey, what’s this,” said one of the lizards.
“Looks like this girl’s lost,” said another.
“Maybe we should help her out,” said a third.
Cue slightly cool reggae beat
The invisible lizards go into a fairly long song and dance about something or other, which is not helpful in the least.
Fed up with the stupid lizards Kahlan ripped their heads off and ran away laughing like an idiot. Instantly she came to a rock wall.
“Oh no,” said Kahlan, “how am I gonna get up this?”
Suddenly a rope came slithering down the wall. Instantly Kahlan looked up and saw Zedd at the top of the wall.
“Zedd, you came back,” she cried joyously.
“Of course I came back, I couldn’t let a great rack like yours wander around here all alone, could I?”
Kahlan hauled herself up the rope and embraced her friend, both of them chortling with joy after being apart for so long. Suddenly they fell through another God damned hole in the ground. Instantly Kahlan and Zedd found themselves on a small strip of land in the middle of an awful smelling swamp.
“Oh shit,” cried Zedd, “we’re in the Bog of Eternal Stench. Oh, it’s horrible.”
“It’s not all that bad,” opined Kahlan, “Richard eats a lot of raw meat, so his BM’s smell much worse than this.”
“That’s fucking disgusting,” gagged Zedd.
“Kaaaalaaarg,” came a mighty roar.
“Gratch,” Kahlan squealed as the lovable gar came running over. “Zedd, this is Gratch.”
“Oh great, a furry dinosaur, just what this story needed,” said Zedd, but his sarcasm was lost on Kahlan.
“Well, let’s get going,” said Kahlan, far too happy for a person in her situation.
The three of them walked for some time, Zedd and Gratch choking on the stench. Suddenly they came to a stone bridge.
“Halt,” yelled a little midget woman dressed in skin tight red leather.
“Who are you,” Kahlan asked instantly.
“I am Cara,” said the midget woman, “and I am sworn to guard this bridge.”
“Bags, woman, get out of our way,” cried Zedd as he tried to shove past Cara.
Instantly Cara had a strange phallic device in her hand, which she used to zap the shit out of Zedd.
“Son of a bitch,” screamed Zedd as Gratch charged into battle with Cara.
The battle was epic and seemed to go on for days, though in reality it only lasted 4 seconds or so. When it was over Gratch and Cara stood staring at each other with admiration shining in their eyes.
“You are a worthy adversary,” said Cara.
“Graaatch luuurg Caaaraarg,” said Gratch.
“Cara, we really need to reach the castle, can we please cross,” asked Kahlan.
“Of course, m’lady,” said Cara, “In fact I would be honored to accompany you on your noble journey. Betty,” she called shrilly, “Betty get out here now.” And out from behind a tree galloped the noblest goat Kahlan had ever seen.
“With such a noble creature on our side we are sure to succeed,” cried Kahlan joyously.
“Let us be away,” said Cara as she mounted Betty the goat.
Together the little group of free and noble individuals traveled for miles and miles. Suddenly Kahlan was very hungry.
“I’m hungry,” she announced without preamble.
Instantly Zedd offered her a peach. It was puke green and smelled like ass, but Kahlan was so hungry she ate it anyway. Instantly she knew something was wrong.
“Zedd, what have you done,” she demanded woozily.
“It weren’t my fault,” Zedd cried as he backed away, “Jagang made me do it.” And with that he turned and ran.
Kahlan was starting to hallucinate now. She saw Jagang standing erect, masterful in his Commie King outfit. He looked like a statue of what he was: one of the greatest English musicians of all time, especially when he teamed up with Queen for that one kick ass song, you know the one.
Suddenly she was at a wondrous masquerade ball. Instantly her eyes found Jagang across the room. In a daze she tried to reach him, but he always seemed just beyond her grasp. She was becoming desperate now, but just when all hope seemed to be lost, Jagang stepped up behind her and took her in a manly embrace. It was the most magical moment of her life, dancing with this masterful specimen of a man.
“I love you,” she whispered.
“Just you shut your mouth,” purred Jagang as the world went black.
Kahlan awoke to find herself lying atop a large pile of garbage. Instantly she jumped to her feet and gazed, dazedly, at the surrounding landscape. Garbage and more garbage as far as the eye could see. She had no idea where she was or how she had gotten there. All she knew was that her mouth tasted of peach and ass, and she needed some water badly. After wandering aimlessly through the garbage for some time, Kahlan suddenly spotted Sir Truthalot, her favorite vibrator, lying on the ground in front of her.
“Sir Truthalot,” she squealed with joy, instantly picking up the vibrator. Suddenly an old hag appeared out of nowhere, “Who the hell are you,” Kahlan demanded.
“Now now, dearie, it’s just old Shota,” cooed the hag, “You’re just confused and lost, and Shota has come the show you the way home.”
“Oh, thank you,” said Kahlan as a door instantly appeared in one of the piles of garbage. Shota led Kahlan through the door, and Kahlan miraculously found herself in her own bedroom.
“Oh, it’s so wonderful to be home,” squealed Kahlan. But suddenly she realized that something was very wrong; this wasn’t her room at all. It was just the inside of a hollow trash heap.
Instantly at that moment Gratch and the gang came crashing through the wall. Zedd suddenly kicked Shota square in the jaw. When boot connected with jaw Kahlan could see it shatter like a crystal goblet on a stone floor. The impact of the blow lifted the old hag into the air. Her own teeth severed her tongue before they, too, shattered. Shota landed on her back, a good distance away, trying to scream through the gushing blood.
Instantly Kahlans memories came flooding back to her. She suddenly remembered where she was and what she had to do, “We need to get to the castle and save Richard,” she loudly declared.
The little group set off and soon found themselves standing at the gate to the Commie City. In the interest of saving time and space, they found the gate unlocked and unguarded.
“Your Majesty, your Majesty!!!”
“What is it, Major Tom?” Jagang asked lazily.
“It’s the girl,” cried Major Tom, “She’s in the city.”
Jagang instantly sprang up from his throne, “She should have never made it this far,” he cried, “Major Tom, call the guardhouse and tell them that the girl must be stopped at all costs.” And with that he strode manfully from the room.
Major Tom instantly sprang into action, “This is Major Tom to ground control,” he sang into his walkie-talkie.
“Go ahead, Major Tom.”
“I’m stepping through the door, and I’m floating in a most peculiar way, and the stars look very different today,” sang Major Tom.
“What the fuck are you on about,” asked the ground control operator.
“Sorry, I just had to do it,” said Major Tom, “Anyway, the Commie King says that the girl must be stopped at all costs.”
“10-4, Major Tom. And, in the future, try to refrain from singing songs that don’t pertain to the source material.”
Kahlan and the gang slowly made their way through the Commie City, stopping occasionally to admire the spectacular architecture. Suddenly they were standing in front of the Kremlin castle gate. Instantly an army poured through the gate.
“Halt, girl,” said Major Tom, “Your little journey is at an end. We have you surrounded and outnumbered.”
Kahlan instantly remembered something Richard used to say when he was drunk on turpentine: when you are outnumbered and surrounded on all sides, you must attack.
Suddenly a war broke out. The commies had brought an army with them. They may have thought they had the upper hand with their superior numbers, proven tactics, and rigid discipline. But Kahlan knew better; they were no match for her small group of free and noble individuals. The commies fought like a giant centipede. Kahlan squished that centipede beneath her mighty boot. Instantly the war was over.
“That was easy,” said Zedd.
“Oh man, I didn’t get to torture anybody with my
phallusagiel,” complained Cara.
“Bawk-bawk-bawk,” bawked Betty the goat.
“Graaaatch luuurg poooop,” said Gratch, and he pooped.
The group-that-was-not-a-group (they were individuals, after all) marched purposefully through the gate and into the castle. After walking miles of corridors, and never once encountering a guard, they instantly found themselves in the throne room. Jagang was nowhere to be seen.
“He must have gone through that door,” said Kahlan brilliantly, pointing at the only door.
“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go make that evil bastard eat his own balls,” screamed Cara, like a maniac.
“No,” said Kahlan, “I have to do this alone.”
“But why,” asked Zedd.
“I don’t know,” answered Kahlan, “All I know is that we have to follow the source material.”
“Oh, yeah, I forgot about that,” said Zedd.
Kahlan marched up to the door, and stopped. Before going through the she whispered to herself, “Boobs, be true this day,” then she crossed the threshold.
Kahlan suddenly found herself in an M. C. Escher print. Instantly at that moment she saw Richard. He was standing in the fourth dimension. She could tell that his thing was rising with rage. Richard hated the way that Escher subverted the Truth of stairways. There was no way she could reach him, he might as well have been in a different dimension. Oh wait, he was. Suddenly Jagang appeared atop the stairway across from her. Kahlan ran. Jagang ran. Richard ran. Then all the guys started to run. A really cool scene followed, wherein everybody ran all crazy like up and down stairways at strange angles.
Suddenly Kahlans entire world shattered like the jaw of a small girl. Instantly she found herself standing on an island of stone floating in a sea of nothingness. Jagang appeared as if by magic and strode manfully toward her, his feathered hair glistening with manly glitter.
“I have defeated your labyrinth,” intoned Kahlan, “Now I want Richard back.”
“Please, take him,” pleaded Jagang, “I can’t stand that asshole. He never shuts up, and he’s carved everything I own into ridiculous statues.”
“I won’t take no for an answer,” Kahlan said, “I want Richard back.”
“Weren’t you listening? Didn’t you hear what I just said? Oh, fuck this, I’m done with you idiots.” Jagang snapped his fingers and the world fell away.
Kahlan suddenly found herself standing in her own living room. Instantly she raced up the stairs and into the nursery. Richard was there, sleeping like a baby, his mighty hands wrapped lovingly around Sir Truthalot.
Kahlan breathed a sigh of relief, “It’s over, it’s all over,” she whispered to herself, as she walked to her room.
Once in her room, Kahlan sat down at her vanity and stared at the mirror. Suddenly she was overcome with the sudden longing to see her friends. Instantly her friends appeared.
“You’re here, you’re really here’” squealed Kahlan as she grabbed them all in a group hug and chortled with pleasure. Zedd laughed. Cara laughed. Then all the guys started to life.