Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Terry Goodkind's Darkplace

'Hello. Ah you just caught me polishing my prized collection of human ears. All removed from the enemies of my formative years. My name is Terry Goodkind, you probably know me as the author of countless books including Stone of Tears, Naked Empire and Debt of Bones. But what you probably don't know is that twenty years ago, back in the Eighties, I wrote, produced, directed, catered for, whistled the theme tune and starred in my own television series. It was set in a hospital called Darkplace and it served as a vehicle for promoting the noble ideals of Objectivisim through the medium of terrifying, blood curdling, horror. It has never been aired, considered too extreme, too subversive and just too damn scary for the networks of the time. But at last it is here for you to watch and enjoy, complete with commentary from the cast to further your enjoyment. As a writer I create my own rules. If I want to start a sentance with a full stop, I will. If I want to create a deus ex machina magic thing to get me out of a plot cul-de-sac, I will do that too. This episode is an example of just that principle at work, marvel at how you never saw the ending coming.'

[opening titles with cheesy 80's style electro music and slow-mo video of the cast]

Terry Goodkind as Doctor Richard Rhal MD
Solarious Myne as Doctor Zedd Zeddicus Zorrandor MD
Dean Learner as Superintendant Demmin Nass
and also starring
Terry Goodkind as Nurse Khalan Amnell

'Many people have asked me, Terry, why did you play the role of Nurse Khalan as well as Doctor Richard. How did you do the kissing sequences? Well far be it for me to spoil the magic of television . . . . . but we used a body double. Horrible woman, I hated having to do those scenes with her. She kept saying how stupid it looked for me to play the role when I had a yeard and she should be the one playing the nurse. She could never understand the simple truth that Doctor Richard is me as I would be as a doctor and Khalan is me as I would be if I were a woman. Simple.'

[scene 1 - The Superintendant's Office]
'Dammit Demmin, how long have we known each other? You can't do this!' Says Richard dramaticly.
'We've known each other a long time Richard, a long time. But I have a hospital to run and I can only do it sat from behind this desk. Mainly cos I had my legs blown off and my spine ripped out in the Dharan War ten years ago. But still you get my point.'
'Fine. I will go make the medicine for the children, but I warn you - if any of them grow up to be mass murderers, on your head be it. I won't be held responsible for that again.'
Nurse Khalan walks in.
'Now, now boys. What is all the shouting for? You are disturbing the patients.'
'Sorry Nurse Amnell, just an administrative disagreement.' Says Demmin Nass. Richard can barely speak, Nurse Khalan is just so beautiful. He feels like he has always known her. Her eyes have a piercing raptor like quality that won't let him go. Richard with a flick of his yeard stands up to leave the room.
'If you need me, I will be in the lab. Making the medicene - I don't know the recipe or ingredients at all but I remember what it tasted like. Nurse tell those children, everything is going to be alright.' Nurse Khalan blushes as her hero leaves to go do his job. Seconds after he is gone, Doctor Zedd enters the office.
'Superintendant - we have a problem. All of the patients in the south-west wing have lost one of their ears!'
'Their ears! What are you talking about man?'
'It is like the ears just got up and walked off under their own power. The patients don't remember it happening, just woke up and their ears were gone.'
'That's horrible! Oh the poor children!' Said Nurse Khalan in shocked dismay.
'We don't know what is going on, but we had best get to the bottom of this mystery - and fast. Oh and in an entirely unrelated incident their seems to be a lot of strange noise coming from the basement.'
'The basement? Where we hid all that nuclear waste from Dr Darken's terrible experiments?' Says the superintendant.
'What?' Say both Dr Zedd and Nurse Amnell together in more shocked dismay.
'Err, nothing. Forget I said anything.' Says the superintendant. 'If you will both get back to work I am very busy.' Both the doctor and Nurse Amnell leave the office. Outside Dr Zedd turns to the Nurse dressed in white and says,
'You know Nurse, I am not convinced those are unrelated incidents. I am going to go check out the basement.'
'Be careful Zedd.' Says Nurse Khalan.
'Always.' Says the brave doctor with a grin and a flick of his hair heading for the elevator.

[cast interview]
'When Terry approached me and asked me to play the role of Doctor Zedd, I jumped at the chance. I mean what an honour. Of course I would have gone through the casting couch process if he wanted, anything for my friend, you know. But he said he wrote the part for me. Some people said to me I was crazy, that Terry's productions were cursed. After all seven people on his last show had mental breakdowns and they never did find the lead actress after the accident. But I said, no the script is just too good. The deep meaning behind the show is too strong, I just have to do this part. So, thats what I did.'

[scene 2 - The Basement of Terror]
Doctor Zedd crept into the dark basement, looking around for clues as to what might be causing all the noise. Drip, drip. Some water dripped on the floor. Creak! A door suddenly creaked making the doctor jump.
'There is nothing here,' he declared, 'I am just scaring myself.'
Then as he turned a terrifying sight meet his eyes. His eyes could not believe what he was seeing. There before him was a giant ear walking on a pair of legs it had somehow grown. Before the doctor could react the giant walking ear slapped him round the head with its distended mutant lobe. The giant ear made a pleased laughing sound as it dragged the uncouncious doctor away.

Oblivious to the fate of his colleague, Richard Rahl continues to mix a medicene for the children purely based on his memory of how it tasted. Nurse Khalan enters the lab to talk to the doctor.
'Richard. Have you heard?'
'The ears, yes. Terrible news. I will get right on it when I am done with the medicene.' He took a sip of his current concoction. 'No that's not quite right, needs more paprika.'
'I am so scared Richard - hold me.' Setting down the equipment, Doctor Richard Rahl pulled Nurse Khalan into an embrace. It felt like they had always known each other. 'Don't be afraid Khalan, I won't let anybody hurt you.' They kiss for what feels like an eternity. Moving their tongues around inside their own cheeks facing camera to make it seem like they are french kissing.

'Ugh, disgusting woman. She offered to do that for real you know, vile little slut that she is.'

[scene 4 - Attack of the Mutant Killer Ears]
Demmin Nass was making his rounds with the use of his crutches.
'What is wrong with you patient?'
'I had my spine pulled out last week, it hurts so much.'
'Get up you cry baby! Choose life! If you wanted to choose life so much you would just instantly heal and get up like I did.'
'But it hurts!' Wailed the patient.
'Do you want to choose death? Do you? I can just kick you in the jaw if that's what you want?'
Just then the door burst open and a giant mutant ear entered the room and kicked Demmin Nass's crutches away making him fall over. He screamed as the ear jumped on top of him driving the air from his lungs with a perfectly preformed elbow drop. All up and down the ward, patients and staff alike screamed as wave after wave of giant mutant ears marched in and attacked everyone.

'The giant mutant ears in this story represent the truth that people refuse to hear. Even though the ears have no mouths to speak the truth, this is just an added metaphor which highlights the nobility of listening to others.'
'So when your critics said that they were just men in crap costumes, how did you respond to that?' Asks an off camera interviewer.
'I never listen to critics.'

[scene 5 - Hero to the Rescue]
'Hark, whats that?' Said Doctor Richard letting Nurse Khalan go, 'It sounded like screams.' Rushing out into the hall our heroes see the whole hospital in chaos. Giant mutant ears are everywhere terrorising everybody.
'Quick Richard, kick them in the jaw.' Suggests Khalan.
'No I have a better idea.' Doctor Richard unbuckles his belt and drops his trousers. Nurse Khalan, despite the danger all around, takes the opportunity to look at his big barbed namble-like cock. Richard pulls his enormous penis out of the way and reaches around behind himself and pushes his hand straight up his arse!
'What are you doing Richard?' Says Khalan.
'Give me a hand nurse, pull.' Together they pull at something lodged in Richard's rectum. Slowly, inch by agonising inch a huge white shape emerged from his anus. It was around five feet in length and had two enormous giant cotton buds on either end.
'An enormous Q-Tip. How did you do that?'
'I am a Doctor of Medicine, remember?'
'My hero!' Khalan declares happily.
'Q-Tip be true this day.' Richard starts laying into the giant mutant ears with the Q-Tip of Truth. Every giant ear the cotton buds connected with vanished in a puff of smoke, as if by magic.
Bringer of death.
Richard lunged, pivoted, twirled and thwacked at every ear in sight. Soon the hospital was rid of every giant mutant ear.
'Oh my head. What happened?' Says Doctor Zedd staggering from the elevator.
'Doctor Zeddicus, Richard has saved the day again!' Says Khalan jubilantly.
'He still has a medicine to produce though. Your work is not over yet Doctor Rhal.' Said Demmin Nass coming up the corridor.
'Is a heroes work ever done?' Said Richard.
Khalan laughed, Zedd laughed, Demmin laughed, even Richard laughed. Everybody laughed.

[end credits roll as more cheesy 80's electronic music plays]

'There you have it. The hero, quite literally, pulls the answer to his problems out of his ass. I bet you never saw that coming. That is it for this episode of Terry Goodkind's Darkplace. Tune in next week to see the next terrifying episode entitled: Attack of the Giant Moral Celery. Goodnight.'

- theMountainGoat


Blogger spiralx said...

Haha, that's very nicely done :)

8:55 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are my hero. God I hate this series. I love you. I really do.

12:26 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Would it be crass of me to say A/S/L? Yes of course it would, thank you anyway :)

1:18 pm  

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