Friday, August 04, 2006

Goodkind meets Scott Lynch - the Rise of Richard Rahl

'"Quick, Sabetha, take off your top" rasped Richard. "The guards will be so busy looking at your boobs that I'll be able to rob the mansion."

Sabetha's eyes shined as she looked at her love. Richard, the Thorn of Camorr. Deadly with a blade and stunningly handsome in his yeard, his cunning plans like this one had made them the richest gang in the city.

"But Richard, surely stealing is immoral?" she asked fearfully.

"No, you see, because only we have the moral clarity to spend this money wisely. These filthy commie liberals would only spend it on helping the poor and needy, making those unfortunate souls dependent on charity when they should be using their independence to find their own way out of crippling poverty. You see,...
<3 pages of speech later> ...We, on the other hand, will spend it on our Army of Truth to CRUSH THE UNWORTHY BENEATH OUR JACKBOOTED FEET!!!!!!"

Richard's plan seemed to be working. The guards leered lewdly as they ogled Sabetha's ample bosom, not noticing Richard as he carried chest after chest of valuables from the house they were guarding. But suddenly a dark shape swooped overhead and a man materialised in the courtyard. It was a Bondsmage!

The bondsmage threw his raptor-like gaze onto Richard. He began to mutter a dire spell. Richard felt his strength begin to drain away, and all seemed lost. At the very last moment, however, Richard remembered the Thief's Third Rule - always have a deus ex machina up your sleeve. He raised his arms and his sleeve fell back, revealing tattooed bands around his wrist. He had been a bondsmage all along, and what's more it was one of a higher level than the one that was attacking him. And he had a better type of magic that cancelled out the other mage's magic and turned it back on him and stuff like that. The other bondsmage was blasted into a million pieces, but in such a way that it wouldn't cause the other bondsmages to be pissed off about it.

"Phew, that was close." said Sabetha. Richard laughed, Sabetha laughed, the guards laughed.'

Red Yeards under Red Gars

Filipovna Pictures presents
In conjunction with Rogozhin Studios
A Prince Myshkin Production
Red Yeards Under Red Gars
A Myshkin Joint

Part 1

It had been two years since Dick Rahl and his faithful companion Kahlan Amnell had defeated the Gray King, who turned out to be Dick's father (what a twist!), in Cammor. It had been an epic battle, in which Dick had lost three of his closest friends; Chase, Cara, and Rachel. Dick counted it as a stunning victory; he would gladly trade the lives of his friends every day of the week for even the smallest of victories. Why? Because he deserved it!

Now he sat at a gaming table at Tal Verrar's most prestigious chance house, The Penispire. He was playing a very complicated game called "lowest drinks", in which each of the two players draws a random card from the deck and the one with the lowest card has to drink a shot of low quality tequila, without a lime. A barbaric practice! The game would not end until one of the participants passed out.

Dick was having trouble grasping the subtle complexities of the game, but thought he was starting to catch on now. With Kahlan's boobies brushing against the back of his head Dick looked down at his card; a two! He was pretty sure this round was his!

"Show" called the dealer.

Dick flopped his deuce. His opponent, Madame Dustybottom, an eight year old child, turned over her card; a six.

"Default to Master Rahl," said the dealer, "Drink, sir."

Dick was flabbergasted. He resigned himself to the fact that he would never understand this stupid game, and drank his shot. Almost throwing up, Dick looked across the table at his opponent. Madame Dustybottom chose that moment to stick her tongue out. It was the last mistake she would ever make.

Dick's thing instantly started to rise. Kahlan hurriedly threw her jacket over it to hide Dick's shame. But dick was having none of it.

With a bloodcurdling scream of "Fuck you Madame Dustybottom," he leaped upon the table and lashed out in the only morally responsible way he could. When his boot came up under her jaw he could feel it shatter like a crystal goblet on a stone floor. The impact of the blow lifted the little girl into the air. Her own teeth severed her tongue before they, too, shattered. She landed on her back, a good distance away, trying to scream through the gushing blood.

Dick stood on the table, chest heaving, yeard bristling, and eyed the stunned spectators with his raptor like gaze.

"What the fuck are you looking at?" He screamed.

The spectators ran like hell, not one among them wishing to become the next object of Dick's righteous rage.

Slowly dick turned his burning eyes to the dealer.

"Well, why are you just standing there?" he asked with deadly calm, "Go get my winnings."
"B-b-but, milord" stammered the dealer, "You did not win, y-y-you simply beat the shit out of your opponent."
"How dare you!" cried Dick, "The rules clearly state that if my opponent passes out, then I win. As my opponent is clearly unconscious I am the victor. Now go get my money before I slaughter you!"

The dealer quickly scampered away only to return shortly with Dick's winnings.

As Dick and Kahlan made there way across the bottom floor of the Penispire they heard someone call out their names. Dick instantly spun around, ready to kill, only to discover that they were being hailed by Nicci, majordomo of the Penispire. Dick experienced an instant of confusion; he was still not used to the sight of Nicci. He looked down at her right booby; it was perfect. A nice, round double D, with a perfectly formed nipple, and an areola neither too big nor to small. It was the single most beautiful booby he'd ever seen. But then his gaze shifted the Nicci's left funbag. It was horrible! The thing was shriveled and gross like an old prune, and was covered in scars. Dick could not understand it. If he looked only at her right boob he could be assured that Nicci was the most morally righteous woman in the world. But looking at her left boob it became immediately apparent that Nicci was pure evil. He would have killed her just to end the confusion, but that would have been detrimental to the story.

"Master Rahl, Mistress Amnell," purred Nicci in her sultry voice, "My master, Jagang, wishes me to inform you that you are now welcome to enjoy the top level of the Penispire."
"Success!" screamed Dick at the top of his lungs.
"What?" asked Nicci.
"What?" repeated Dick.
"You just screamed 'success' at the top of your lungs."
"No I didn't."
"Of course you did, everybody in the Penispire heard you."
"No they didn't."
"Yes they.... oh whatever, I'm leaving."

As Nicci walked away, boobies bouncing, Kahlan turned toward Dick and grinned.

"That was a close one," she said.
"Yeah," said Dick, "but luckily, thanks to my quick thinking and brilliant deception, she never suspected a thing."
"I love you," purred Kahlan.
"I know," said Dick.


Part 2

Safely back in their rooms at the Aynrand inn, Kahlan and Dick relaxed their guard.

“The top level of the Penispire,” Kahlan breathed, “We’ve done it, Dick. We’ve really done it.”
“Of course we did, sweet tits, of course we did,” said Dick, “Now we can finally take the final step in our plan.”
“What plan?” asked Kahlan, slightly confused.
“You know, the plan,” returned Dick.
“I wasn’t aware that we had a plan,” whined Kahlan.
“Of course we have a plan! I mean, we wouldn’t be here if we didn’t. Would we?” cried Dick.
“Well, what is it then?” asked Kahlan.
“Um…. well we we're gonna infiltrate the top level of the Penispire, and then…….”
“You don’t really have a plan, do you?” challenged Kahlan.
“You were the one who was supposed to remember the plan,” exploded Dick, “I should beat you to death with your own spine for forgetting it!”
“I’m sorry, Dick,” Kahlan wailed, “It’s only that this is the first time I’ve ever heard any mention of a plan.”
“Shut up!” roared Dick, “I need to think.”

Dick paced aggressively around the room, furiously trying to make his brain work. He glanced over at were Kahlan huddled, weeping in the corner. The sight of her boobs heaving rhythmically in time with her sobs instantly made his thing rise. In a good way.

“I’m sorry, boobface,” he cooed, “It’s alright, don’t cry. With my mighty intellect I’ll just come up with a new plan. Now let’s get you out of those wet clothes”
“But my close aren’t wet,” said Kahlan, once again slightly confused.
“Shut up and take your clothes off,” screamed Dick.

This part is too naughty for general audiences. If you want the hardcore stuff you’ll have to send me a money order.

Dick woke up the next morning with a giant, throbbing, painful hangover. He muttered a spell and the hangover was instantly gone. He was a war wizard, after all. He looked down at the bed where Kahlan lay, completely wrecked. He’d given her a good twenty or thirty seconds that she would never forget. But Dick decided not to linger on thoughts of his sexual prowess; he had work to do.

Using all of his brainpower Dick tried and tried to think of a new plan. Finally, after three intense hours of thinking he had an idea.

“I know,” he shouted, “I’ll go see the old hobo, Zedd. He’ll know what to do!”

Dick walked down the main path of the Hobo Quadrant. This was the area of Tal Verrar where all the idiotic, shitty, and generally useless characters lived. Zedd’s house occupied the heart of this quadrant.

As Dick approached Zedd’s house he noticed that the door was closed. Thing rising at the rudeness of this, he kicked the door in.

“Bags and double bags!” cried Zedd, “Oh, it’s you Dick. You scared the bags out of me.”
“You shouldn’t have insulted me by having your door closed when I wanted to enter!” yelled Dick.
“But how was I supposed to know you were coming? You could’ve knocked.”
“Shut up old man!” screamed Dick, “I need something from you.”
“Ok Dick, anything” whimpered Zedd, “Just please don’t beat me!”
“I need a plan, old man,” said Dick, inordinately happy that his sentence almost rhymed.
“A plan, a plan, hmmm,” pondered Zedd, “This is far beyond my capabilities, Dick. I’ll have to take you to Betty. Perhaps she can unravel this conundrum.”
“I’m not sure what you just said with all those fancy words, old man, but if this Betty person can give me a new plan then lead the way.”
“Oh, Betty’s not a person,” Zedd said cryptically as he lead Dick out the door.

Around the side of Zedd’s shitty little shack stood a small enclosure. Inside this enclosure stood a goat. A magnificent goat. A noble goat.

“Ah, a goat. Brilliant, old man.” Dick eyed the goat. The goat eyed Dick. He decided to lay it all out on the line, “Goat, I need a plan.”
“Baaaaah” said Betty.
“The Penispire” said Dick.
“I’m not all that sure, really.”
“That’s brilliant.”
“Oink oink.”
“No, thank you.”

Dick was a tall man, taller than most men (though not taller than some), but when he bent down to pat Betty’s head in thanks Zedd noticed something he’d never seen before: Dick had a bald spot on the crown of his head. Perhaps Dick wasn’t as celerious as everybody thought. (See what I did there, Jax?)

“What the hell are you looking at, old man” cried Dick
“N-n-nothing Dick, I swear!” Zedd stammered.
But Dick knew better; knew that Zedd had uncovered his darkest secret. And for that he would have to die.
“It’s okay Zedd, I know you weren’t looking at anything. Now let’s go back to your house.”

As Zedd turned to lead Dick back to the house, Dick seized his opportunity. With the reflexes of a puma, or possibly a cougar, maybe even a mountain lion, Dick muttered a spell and blasted a melon sized hole through Zedd’s back. As he looked down at the blasted corpse Dick pondered his good fortune: he had met a noble goat, he had formed a new plan, and he had killed an old man. A pretty sweet day, all in all.

As they waked up the steps and into the Penispire Dick eyed Kahlan’s boobies; they were particularly luscious tonight.

“Good evening Master Rahl, Mistress Amnell,” said the doorman, “I hope you enjoy yourselves tonight.”
“Oh, we will,” said Dick sinisterly, “We will.”
“Um, okay” said the doorman, a bit confused.

As soon as they entered the Penispire Kahlan and Dick made directly for the stairs leading to the upper levels. There would be no gambling tonight. No, tonight they would fulfill their destiny.
Up and up they went, past countless levels of debauchery, until they finally came to the second highest floor; one floor below Jagang’s personal office/rape room. But here their progress was halted by Nicci, the confusingly disfigured majordomo.

“I can’t let you pass,” purred Nicci, “You see, I know you have some sort of plan, and I can’t let you put it to action.”

Dick was dismayed. Normally he would have simply slaughtered Nicci and marched over her dead corpse to reach his objective, but the sight of her left boob grossed him out too much. Then suddenly he remembered a spell. A spell that had never even been hinted at in this story, or any of the ones preceding it. A spell that would conveniently win Nicci over to his side.

Swallowing his bile, trying hard not to puke, Dick placed his hand on Nicci’s gross, floppy boob. He muttered a few simple words and lifted his hand away. He looked down in amazement; where previously there had been a gross, scared up booby, now stood a perfectly molded funbag.

Nicci fell to the floor, crying, not believing her great good fortune. This man, this god of a man, had re-beautified her ruined booby. She looked up at Dick and saw him as if for the first time; standing there looking like a statue of himself: erect, masculine, masterful.

“You healed me,” she cried, “For so long I have be so confused, but now that you have rejuvenated my left boob the confusion has lifted. Now I see clearly that Jagang must be confronted. Come I shall lead you to his office.”
Nicci led the way up the stairs with Kahlan and Dick close behind. At the top she opened the door and all three marched into the room beyond.

Jagang, managing general partner of the Penispire, looked up from behind his desk as the trio entered.

“Ah,” he said, “Dick Rahl and his woman whatshername. I can’t say that I’m surprised to see you. And I see that you’ve managed to turn my majordomo, a cunning ploy.”
“No more talk Jagang,” Dick cried, “It’s time I put my plan into action!”
“And what plan would that be?” Jagang asked calmly.

Belatedly Dick realized that Betty had not given him a plan at all; she had just made a series of goat sounds. Come to think of it, not all of those sounds even belonged to a goat. But this was a mystery he would have to puzzle out later; right now he had a bigger problem. He decided to do what he always did in these types of situations: kill someone!

“I may not have had I plan when a came up here,” he said to Jagang, “But now I plan to kill you.”
“Ah, I thought it might come to this,” said Jagang knowingly. “I hate to disappoint you, Dick, but I know your dirty little secret. That’s right,” he laughed triumphantly, “I know that you have a bald spot, rendering your yeard incomplete! Without a full yeard you do not have the power to defeat me!”

For the second time in less than an hour Dick was dismayed. Jagang was right: he could not win this one. He could not believe it. He thought about all the children he had yet to kick; all the boobies he had yet to see; all the tragedy of an unfinished life. Then he thought about something else.

“You're right, Jagang” he said, “I cannot defeat you. But you forgot about one thing.”
“What’s that?” Jagang inquired.
“You forgot that I’m the Main Character, and therefore can never lose!” And with that Dick put his smelly fingers to his mouth and whistled.

From out of nowhere there came an angry bellow, “Graaaatch Luuuurg Richaaaarg!” And through the open window flew Gratch the Gar, like a god, perhaps even a god of the machine.

“Oh, so that’s how gars fit into this,” said Kahlan who’d been wondering about this since she’d read the title.

Gratch swooped over Jagang and grabbed him up in his raptor like claws. Jagang tried to blast the gar with his magic but nothing happened. Oh, did I forget to tell you that gars are immune to magic? Well, they are. Out through the window Gratch flew with a squirming Jagang in his talons. And just like that it was over.

“Well, that seems to have wrapped things up nicely,” said Nicci, “But I have just one question: Why did you guys want to get at Jagang in the first place?”

Dick and Kahlan looked at each other, stupefied.

“I….I don’t know” Dick finally admitted.

Kahlan laughed, Nicci laughed, then all the guys started to laugh.


- Myshkin


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