Friday, August 11, 2006

Mr Benn's War Wizard Adventure

Mr Benn lives at 52 Festive Road in the city of London. Today he is dressed in his sharp pinstriped suit and bowler hat and leaves for work promptly as he always does. Some children are playing in the street.
'Good morning Mr Benn.' Says a little girl. 'Would you like to play our game with us, Timmy is a mass murdering rapist and I am the Mother Confessor. We need someone to play the great War Wizard Richard Rahl to come and save me, oh go on please!'
Mr Benn laughs and replies,
'Another time children, I have to go to work today. Enjoy your game, goodbye.' The children are sad but run off to find someone else to play the part in their brutal gang rape rescue fantasy.

Mr Benn walks along Festive Road, turns left at the end but instead of going to work he finds that his feet have lead him to the little costume shop on the high street. Mr Benn is surprised but nevertheless walks into the shop and immediately sees what he wants, a black war wizards outfit being modelled by a shop dummy. Mr Benn is admiring the outfit when, as if by magic, *ping* the shopkeeper appeared.
'Would you like to try that outfit on sir?' asked the moustachioed, fez-wearing shopkeeper.
'Yes, I think I will.' Said Mr Benn with a smile. He gathers up the costume and walks over to the changing room. In an instant Mr Benn takes off his suit and bowler hat and puts on the black robes and false-yeardi which comprise the outfit. Mr Benn admires the costume in the mirror and thinks about going back into the shop to ask the shopkeeper what he thinks. But then he spots another door on the opposite side of the changing room, a door through which Mr Benn could have a surprising and wonderful adventure. Filled with excitement Mr Benn walks through the door.

Suddenly Mr Benn is no longer in the costume shop but some strange dark dungeon. A strong and powerful looking man is stood over a captive woman, just about to gut her with his knife. Nearby another woman is tied up, all dressed in white and with long, long dark hair. In fact Mr Benn thinks she might just be the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.
'I want you like your whore of a mother wanted your father.' She says to the mass murdering psychopath.
'I knew it, you little slut!' he says turning away from his helpless captive victim, 'I'm going to give you exactly what you want, exactly what you deserve.'
'Oh yes, please do it now, I can't wait any longer, do it! Do it!' The woman in white squeels.
'No you don't!' Says Mr Benn loudly and angrily stepping into view.
'Richard!' Says the man shocked into sudden silence which rings through the dungeon.
'My hero.' The woman in white says adoringly.
Mr Benn starts running at full speed towards the man who braces for the combat with his knife held ready. As Mr Benn nears, the man lunges wildly at him, Mr Benn ducks under the thrust onto one knee and driving forward with both hands launches himself into the soft middle of the rapist. His hands plunge through his stomach, punching a hole out the other side and then Mr Benn grabs hold of his spine with both hands and pulls it hard back out the frontside. The maniac then drops his knife and staggers back holding his now ruined stomach.
'Aaaah, fatality. Nooooo!' He screams. Mr Benn laughs holding his enemies spinal cord up as a bloody trophy of his victory. The blood dripping on the floor makes it slippery and the man with no spinal cord and half his stomach missing slips up and falls on his own dagger which goes straight up his anus and propelled by the force of it out the other side of his body cutting off his nackersack in the process. His two testicles bounce on to the floor and roll together like a pair of discarded marbles.
'I'm gonna get you for that!' Says the man with no spinal cord, half his stomach missing, a dagger sized hole in his arse and no testicles.
'Oh Richard, quick finish him off,' Says the woman in white, 'use your magic, fireball his evil ass.' In an instantaneous instant Mr Benn bathes the bad guy in fire and flame, charring his bones to charcoal. Mr Benn unties the woman who gives him a kiss as thank you, with tongues and everything, the slut!
'I must untie Cara.' She says remembering her friend and rushes over to help. Then, as if by magic, *ping* the shopkeeper appeared beside Mr Benn.
'Had enough adventures for one day sir?' He asks.
'Yes, I think so.' Said Mr Benn and he walks back through the door out of the dungeon.

Mr Benn finds himself back in the changing room and changes back into his suit and bowler hat. He goes back out into the shop and gives the outfit back to the shopkeeper.
'Would you like me to dispose of that for you sir?' Only then does Mr Benn realise he is still holding the bloody spine of the evil rapist psychopath.
'No, I think I will keep it as a souvenir of my adventure.'
'Very well sir, goodbye.'
'Goodbye.' Says Mr Benn happily as he leaves the costume shop and walks home. The children are still playing in the street as Mr Benn walks back along Festive Road. They ask him to play again but Mr Benn now has superior moral clarity and proceeds to kick them both in the jaw instantly to teach them the error of their ways.
- theMountainGoat


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