Insurance Salesman of Truth
C: = Customer
I: = Insurance Salesman of Truth
I: So as you can see with two armies raping and killing across the lands you will really need insurance one way or the other. I mean your daughters will be someone’s toy sooner or later but if you fit her with a chastity belt it might increase her chances of having someone thinking she has celery and not killing her out of frustration. Also it will lower your rate on your abortion clause of your policy. If you act now I’ll sell you the chastity belts for cheap!
C: Alright let’s do it, even though I’ll probably be moving my family away from this war ridden area as it seems no matter who wins I get fucked over.
I: Nonsense, with this new policy I am offering you can hedge your bet on who wins by guessing which faction will be the one to slaughter you and your fellow villagers for nothing more than sitting the battle out.
C: I can collect money for the death, pain, and suffering of my family and fellow man?
I: It’s the Midland way to exploit your neighbors for profit. You have to think of you unless you want to sign up for the profit sharing policy that some of your neighbor agreed to that way you all get to enjoy the gang rape benefits.
C: Look I’ll do whatever is the cheapest I am really just trying to survive in this war torn area I don’t care what army of philosophy wins out I just want to not have my family slaughtered even if it gets me money.
I: Careful there my friend you are starting to sound quite the lemming. Don’t look at it as losing your family, look at as making money, maybe. After all selfishness is the only true virtue.
C: You are starting to freak me out and you lack of empathy or willingness to realize that you aren’t some kind of star is making my stomach turn.
I: You need to realize that the “Searcher of Truth” is the only one who knows what is morally right for us all and the sooner you accept that the sooner your fate will be determined. Either you can resist and be killed and your lands salted or you can join the yeardites and if you survive being left leaderless and fighting naked in the freezing cold, maybe you could be turned into a plot device filled with straw to serve a purpose greater than yourself and if you are lucky you might even taste your own balls.
C: Let me get this right, you are saying that no matter what I do my wife and children are as good as dead no matter which side I choose and since I am not the “Seacher of Truth” I could be killed at anytime for any reason, filled with straw or not, and the best I can hope for is to be turned into a cheap plot device and made to eat my own testicles? How much do I stand to make off of all this sickening convoluted mess?
I: That really depends on you, I’ll write up your best chances to see cash money.
C: That sounds great I can’t believe how much better I feel about this. Wait why am I agreeing to this and why do I have the urge to start collecting ears?
I: Sounds like you have been selected to be the next Deus ex Machina stuffed with straw, it’s nothing I put in your tea.
C: Great here is a big old pile of money I am off to live my life.
I: Damn I forgot to sell him volcano insurance too. Oh well people are stupid I’ll get him next time.