Flames of Herakleitos - Bob Lock

Bob is a regular reader of this blog, who has kindly sent me a copy of his book to review. Kindly, and also bravely, as any regular reader will know I give very little quarter to books I dislike. Unfortunately, I disliked this one quite a lot, and I'm now torn between giving an honest review and trying not to be too nasty to a poor writer just trying to get some publicity for his first novel. Getting a proper balance between truth and politeness is going to be a tough call, but I'm giving it a shot.

Starting with the good points, there are some decent ideas in here. The action mostly takes place in a fairly standard alternate-universe-fantasy-England setting, but the main use of magic is quite original - unpleasant thaumaturgists use it to create golems, powered by real human souls. Our first sight of magic in practice is as a difficult, dirty procedure that takes a great toll on the magician's physiognomy, and it's unfortunate that this idea is rapidly lost as the novel progresses and everyone just starts throwing round hexes and creating golems at the drop of a hat.

Our heroine, Lucy Fenton, is out for vengeance on the magician who stole her father's soul for a golem when she was a child. Again, not a bad concept; where it starts to fall apart is the fact that Lucy is a girl from the Real World, and is in addition such an embarrassingly sassy, sexy, leather-clad ninjitsu chick that she's almost a caricature of herself (she's also a horror writer who stars in her own TV series and spinoff movie with samurai-goth boyfriend Raven.) Lucy is dragged into the parallel world, where her awesome combat skills enable her to fight the good fight against the thaumaturgists, who are otherwise occupied in running around trying to kidnap and/or kill each other for no particular reason. The plot turns into a series of captures and escapes, with the odd deus ex machina to keep the story going, and ends with a convenient resolution that is both contrived and unlikely.

The main problem is, this is not just a first novel, it reads rather like the first draft of a first novel. It's not self-published, which is a point in its favour, but the publishing house is a fairly small one and obviously has a limited budget for editing (or possibly just a chronic comma shortage). Lock fills his pages with over-explanation, unnecessary detail and obvious rookie errors such as the thesaurus approach to dialogue - characters rarely say anything, instead they remark, or instruct, or mutter or moan. The dialogue itself is painfully clunky - the slang used by the real-world characters slips unevenly between British and American (for example, the phrases "I'll sue your ass" and "You silly sod" are uttered by the same character); the fantasy-world bad guys talk in nothing but standard fantasy-world-bad-guy clichés, even muttering their evil plans under their breath; and the cosy Lucy'n'Raven love scenes are worthy of latter-day George Lucas at his very cheesiest.

My advice to Bob would be to chalk this one up to experience, find yourself a more honest critique group, and next time rewrite, rewrite and rewrite again. A few more points to note:

• Grown men calling themselves "Raven" are not cool, they are deserving of our ridicule;
• Bad guys with terrible dark secrets don't usually write them all down in a diary and then leave it handily lying around for the good guys to steal;
• Any feminist credentials your kick-ass heroine may accumulate are rather undermined by other female characters who are grateful for being raped (though we are fortunately spared the details, this more than anything made me less inclined to be charitable to the book); and
• Supposedly hard and capable characters probably shouldn't make quite as much fuss about things like eating frogs, getting their coats dirty and not having real toilet paper.

Sorry Bob, and better luck next time!

3/10

Brasyl - Ian Macdonald

Ian Macdonald is a jobbing SF author who's been writing for quite a few years, but has only recently ridden to fame on the back of 2004's Hugo-nominated River of Gods. His latest effort Brasyl comes out in the UK this month; it's an energetic, intelligent SF novel where quantum theory mixes with historical fiction and reality TV across parallel universes, all driven by a strange Latin beat. The style is original, beautiful and immaculately constructed, but I found it very hard to get into, and in the end didn't really like the book that much.

The plot comes in three strands across three alternate Brazils - in 2006, a shallow and ambitious TV producer, Marcelina, is seeing her career and life slowly destroyed by a mysterious doppelganger; in 2036, semi-legal entrepreneur Edson gets mixed up with a nasty gang war involving black-market quantum computing; and in 1706, Irish Jesuit Luis Quinn is dispatched up the Amazon to investigate the rumours of angels with flaming swords, and to bring down the murderous slave empire of a rogue priest. Alas, Marcelina's character was too annoying for me to care much what happened to her, and Edson's story was too strange to really engage with, so it was only the third strand that I really enjoyed reading, and even that was a bit too Heart of Darkness for comfort. Also, with such dispirate story threads, you'd naturally expect them to be all heading towards some kind of grand unified conclusion, but this never quite happened, leaving the book with a very disjointed feel.

The use of so many Portuguese expressions also added extra distance between story and reader. I belatedly discovered a glossary in the back, which helped, but for much of the book I struggled to remember the difference between malandras and favelistas, and never entirely understood the concept of jeito. It helped with the setting, but not so much with the understanding.

Take the film Twelve Monkeys. On an intellectual level, I can tell that this is a very good film - it's an interesting idea, an unusual premise, it's well-scripted and well-acted - and yet, on a visceral level, it does nothing for me, and I don't really enjoy watching it. I feel much the same about Brasyl. For me at least, the balance between style and story was tilted too far away from the story; it's had glowing reviews elsewhere from people whose priorities obviously differ, but for all its glittering brilliance, I don't think it's a book I'd bother to read again.

6/10

Truth is the Word

VOICE OF BULL CLIFTON, EVIL COLLECTIVIST DJ: This is Bull, to make your life full, of Music! Get off to school, and follow the rules! Don't be a goat, and don't rock the boat! And to start the day off nice and fine, we’re gonna play a new old favorite of mine...

(cue song, roll opening credits...)
Truth is the word, it's the word that you heard
It's got groove, it's got meaning
Truth is the time, it's the place, it's the motion
Truth is the way we are feeling

We take the logic and we throw away
Collectivity belongs to yesterday
There is a chance that we can make it so far
We start believing now that we can be who we are

Truth is the word!

Scene 1 - in front of Midland High. Richard's gang, the P-Brains, are mucking about.

"Where were you all summer, Chase?" asked Chandalen, gaily chortling as he tried to slip some ten-step poison into his friend's lunch.
"I been workin'," said Chase, who spoke with a strange dialect that the author could never quite get right. "Savin' up to get me one o' they magic swords! How about you, Richard?"
Richard's raptor-like gaze became misty, yet still masculine. "I spent the summer on the beach with a girl."
His friends chortled some more. "Did she get almost-raped?"
Richard sighed. A gentleman should never kiss and tell, he thought. An Objectivist, on the other hand... "Well," he said, and started on a four-hour speech about all the imaginary details of his love-life.

Meanwhile...

"Do I look OK, Denna?" asked Kahlan nervously, smoothing her white dress and tugging her braid as she walked towards the school. "I used to love my old school in Randland, but I'm really nervous!"
"Don't worry, you look great" said Denna, as they passed a group of cackling Mord Sith merrily torturing each other with agiels. "This school's very much like your old one, but you might want to stop with the braid-tugging; we don't want to make the plagiarism too obvious." Kahlan started to fold her arms under her breasts, but stopped when she saw Denna's disapproving gaze.

---------------

Scene 2 - First Day of School

Principal Zedd's voice came over the intercom. "Welcome to Midland High, students! I'm sure this will be our greatest year yet, especially if our Ja-La team is victorious! And, even better, the famous DJ Bull Clifton will be coming to our school to host a dancing competition!"

The Mord Sith whooped with excitement. "Hey, do you think Richard will ask you to the dance?" asked Beata. Cara frowned. The question had put a frown on her face. Her mind raced. How could she answer? "No, that's all ancient history" she said eventually, with a frown.

Denna walked over with her new friend. "Ladies, this is Kahlan Amnell, she's just moved here from Randland!" Kahlan looked in horror at their tight red leather outfits, so different from her own demure white dress. How could she ever fit in with such a bunch of sluts? She looked up to see another girl in much more sedate clothing coming towards them.

"Oh no, it's Sister Patti, scourge of Midlands... hi!" said Cara, the head Mord Sith, as the other girl approached.

"Oh, I just love school!" cried Sister Patti. She looked at Kahlan. "Are you new? Well, welcome! I hope you'll be trying out for our Sisters of Light brigade. We take our sacred pompoms to the stadium and pray to the Creator that our team will win. You'll love it!"

Kahlan smiled. This was the sort of girl she could be friends with, not like these Mord Sith in their revealing outfits. All she wanted to do was fit in, and be a good schoolgirl. That, and meet Richard again. Their summer on the beach had been too short, and she hadn't even been almost-raped. She sighed.

Richard and the P-Brains were idly kicking small children and feeling bored. "I know," said Richard, "To cheer you all up, I'll tell you more about the girl I met over the summer."
"But Richard, youse already spent 4 hours tellin' us..." began Chase, before Chandalen hushed him up - it wasn't good to disagree with Richard, especially when he felt a speech coming on.

"What did you do this summer, Kahlan?" asked Denna, noticing the sigh. Kahlan had been sighing because she was thinking about her summer with Richard. She had spent all summer on the beach with Richard and now she was thinking about it and sighing.
Kahlan sighed. "I met this wonderful war wizard on the beach."
Cara snorted in disgust. "The only thing to do to men is cut off their testicles. Is that what you did?"
"No, no!" said Kahlan "It was very sweet, actually..."

(cue music)
RICHARD: "Summer lovin', two individuals coming together as one, and yet maintaining their individuality, because to do otherwise would be to choose death, and you'd be no better than a commie centipede, and you know what I do to centipedes, yes sirree, in no way did I surrender my"
KAHLAN: "Hello, er..."
RICHARD: "individuality, because without it I would be less than a man; life is the greatest gift and the only choice one can make, and when falling in love it is important to remember to maintain your sense of self and never to compromise your"
KAHLAN: "...can I..."
RICHARD: "own choices by bowing to those of another, no matter how much you love them, and never would I do such a thing, me, imagine it, obeying the whims of another like a slave! Yes, slavery is the only result of altruism and I never even bought her an"
KAHLAN: "...get a word..."
RICHARD: "icecream without the promise of an equal or greater gift in return, because to do so would be to acknowledge another's desire as being greater than mine and that would take away my power to choose life, the greatest power I possess and I never could do that no matter how"
KAHLAN: "...in edgeways here?"
RICHARD: "romantic it gets on"
BOTH: "Summer Nights!"
THE P-BRAINS: "Don't tell me any more!"
(music ends)

Cara snorted again. "He sounds like my kind of arsehole. What was his name?"
"Richard. Richard Rahl," said Kahlan. Cara laughed. Denna laughed. All the Mord Sith laughed.
"What's so funny" demanded Kahlan.
"Oh, nothing..." murmured Cara, "But maybe your very own deus ex machina will come to pass, and you'll get to meet him again someday!"

---------------

Scene 3 - At The Bonfire

Kahlan and the Sisters of the Light brigade were cheering the Ja-La team.

"Midland High! Go for goal! Leave them with a melon-sized hole!
Midland High! Get those scores! Kick those bastards in the jaws!"

Principal Zedd came to the mike. "Bags, children! This year we're going to rip the opposition some new a-holes! I'd give my left knacker to see our name on the challenge cup! Now get your bot-bots on the field and kick some rump!"

"Principal Zedd really got a problem with dem body parts, don't he?" muttered Chase. Just then, Chandalen pulled a massive sword out of his pants. Richard's thing began to rise.

"What's that, dude?" he asked, as it was important to be "down" with the "kids".

"It's my new sword," said Chandalen, "It's what I was working all summer to save up for. I'm going to use it in the big fight at Thunder Road."

"What a piece of shit!" said Chase, who was just jealous, because it was actually him who had been working all summer and the author had forgotten who all his interchangeable characters were. "You gonna get yo' ass handed to ya!" They began to scuffle, because they'd seen the Mord Sith approaching and wanted to look all manly.

"Quick, Kahlan, brush your hair, we have a surprise for you!" Cara was saying. Kahlan looked nervous.
"It's not a namble, is it?" she asked nervously. The idea of nambles made her nervous.
The Mord Sith exchanged glances. That would have been a better idea, but a half-arsed piece of psychological torture was better than nothing.
"No, no... Kahlan, meet the P-Brains!"

Kahlan froze in astonished awe, her sky-blue eyes literally shooting out of her head at the man standing before her. Erect, masterful, masculine in his highschool layabout outfit, he looked like he could be posing for a statue of who he was. The P-Brains were tall, but Richard was taller.

"Richard!" she shrieked. He backed off a pace, looking scared, and his friends hooted with glee.

"Ha, Richard, you got yerself a Confessor?" chortled Chase. "Hey, Richard's done gone enslaved himself to this 'ere bimbo!"

"No, I haven't!" snapped Richard peevishly. He was losing man-points by the second, and he had to do something about it. His mind raced. Kahlan was advancing towards him and soon he'd look like a big jessie. Curse her womanly ways! A plan slowly began to form in his mind.

"Ha ha!" he laughed, falsely. "Check out the jugs on that! Eh, lads? Phwoarrr!" He wondered if his plan would work. Maybe it wouldn't. Maybe it would! He wondered some more.

Kahlan's sky-blue eyes dropped out of her head. How could Richard be saying this to her with that voice that he was using to speak to her? Tears began to well up in her sky-blue eyes. She felt as if she was about to cry.

Richard looked at his wounded love, with tears in her sky-blue eyes. Phew! he thought. Another moment and he might have looked like a softy. Good job he put his own happiness first, or he might have felt a bit guilty.

---------------

Scene 4 - Later That Night

"I'm so glad you could come round for our sleepover, Kahlan!" said Denna. The Mord Sith were all lounging around her bedroom in various states of undress, and torturing each other with a variety of implements.

"I bet Kahlan's never been tortured!" said Cara. The other Mord Sith shrieked with glee.

"Oh no, I'd better not," said Kahlan, as Beata advanced with her agiel. "Ow!"

The pain made her pass out, and Denna carried her off to the bathroom to clean up where she'd pissed herself. Cara sneered with scorn, and began to sing a cruel song.

"Look at me, I'm Kahlan A
I was not brought up that way
Don't get that mess on my lovely white dress!
No pain for Kahlan A!"

Just then, some shouts came from outside. It was the P-Brains, wanting to spy on the girls! All the torture had made Cara quite horny, so she shimmied down the drainpipe and joined the men.

"Hey, Chase, show me your new sword!" she said, and made gestures to show that she meant this as an innuendo, referring to his penis, because it was approximately the same shape as a sword, though probably not as big. Richard's penis was bigger than most men's penises, but it wasn't as big as the sword.

Chase was pleased to again be the owner of the sword that he'd saved up for, and drew it out proudly. Richard's eyes slid down the sword with an angry gaze; he didn't like it when girls fancied people who weren't him.

Cara took Chase's arm, and they started to walk off, the P-Brains in tow. She turned round angrily to face them. "Get lost, you bunch of losers! This ain't no gang-bang! What do you think this is, a democracy or something?" She brandished her agiel fiercely, and the P-Brains suddenly remembered that they had other places to be right now.

Kahlan watched Richard's retreating rear end with pain in her heart. "Don't worry!" said Denna. "Have one of my boyfriends!" She folded out a roll of photographs showing all her conquests. "All women in these books are massive sluts, it's perfectly normal and all girls act like that in the real world too!"

Kahlan sighed again, and sang a mournful song about how much she loved Richard, which we will skip over because it's too boring and I don't want it to get stuck in my head.

---------------

Scene 5 - In the Sword Workshop

"So, how'd it go with Cara last night? Eh, nudge nudge, wink wink?" said Richard, who was still feeling put out that Cara had gone with Chase and not him. He wanted to find out details about the sex they had had, in case he got a chance to try it himself someday.

"No time to talk about that, let's get this sword fixed up!" said Chandalen, wielding his thing. "It's so bent and rusty, though, I don't know if we'll ever make it good enough for a real fight."

Richard's eyes gleamed with an eerie glow in the light of the forge. "Hammer, be true this day!" he cried, raising the hammer with a ring of silence that resounded through the air.

(cut to swish magical workshop and the P-Brains all wearing War Wizard outfits. Cue music)

RICHARD: Well, this sword could have lethality...
...brutality...
...beeeeee-stiality... (whoo!)
...why, it could be Truthed Lightning! (Truthed Lightning!)

We'll get her sharpened and straightened and ready to start cutting off ears!
THE P-BRAINS: Stop talking, whoah stop talking!
RICHARD: When I hold it I'll be fightin' without having to practise for years!
THE P-BRAINS: Oh yeah!
RICHARD: Peace protestors sliced in two, and next I'll come for you
I won't have to turn it white, cos you know I'm always right!
With Truthed Lightning!
THE P-BRAINS - Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
RICHARD: Go Truthed Lightning, I'm fighting thirty people at once!
THE P-BRAINS: Truthed Lightning, go Truthed Lightning!
RICHARD: Go Truthed Lightning, my outfit makes me look like a ponce
THE P-BRAINS: Truthed Lightning, go Truthed Lightning!
RICHARD: I won't get hit (ah-hah) Cos I'm the shit (ah-hah) with Truthed Lightning!

And they were back in the school workshop. "Come on guys, let's get to work" said Richard.

--------------

Scene 6 - In the Gym

Principal Zedd's bushy eyebrows raised in surprise. "Richard, it's not like you to take an interest in sports!" he said.

"Well, I need an excuse to show off in front of my would-be girlfriend," explained Richard, sheepishly. His feelings for Kahlan had taken him by surprise, and he felt he needed some brisk exercise and maybe a cold shower to stop his thing from continually rising.

"OK, then," said Zedd, uncertainly. "We'll start you off with basketball. Go!" He blew his whistle, and Richard instantly grabbed a basketball out of the air.

Two minutes later, the entire team lay in a bloodied heap on the floor, and Richard was climbing up the bodies to drop the ball into the net. Zedd blew his whistle just in time to stop him from cutting off some trophy parts.

"Hmmm... maybe team sports aren't the best choice for you."

"Team?" said Richard, confused. "But there's no 'I' in team!"

"No matter. Let's see how you get on with wrestling."

Richard's wrestling partner stepped forward. He was a tall man, but Richard was taller than most men, and logically from that you might conclude that Richard was also taller than this man; however, the tallness of this man was even taller than the most men that Richard was taller than... what was I talking about again? Anyway, no sooner did they step onto the wrestling mat when Richard instantly ripped out his spine, that's the spine of the other guy, not his own spine. The question of whether this man was taller than Richard would never be answered, as he fell spinelessly to the floor.

"Bags!" said Zedd in exasperation. "OK, Richard, the best sport for you might be running. The track goes out of the school grounds, over the scorpion pit on a narrow bridge, then straight across the middle of a sheer cliff face. Make sure you look out for interesting clouds while you're running."

"Right-o," said Richard, and ran off, his gold cape streaming behind him. Outside, he ran into Kahlan, who was checking out all the football players in their shorts.

"Richard!" she screeched.

Richard instantly ground to a halt, manly sweat pouring from his raptor-like brow. "Kahlan, you will go to the dance with me!" he commanded in his strong, masculine voice that made her go weak at the knees. She had just enough time to agree before his aura of manhood caused her to faint into his arms.

---------------

Scene 6 - In The Diner

"Richard, why are we hiding in the corner of this diner?" demanded Kahlan, shrilly.

"Sshh!" hissed Richard, ducking down behind a menu. "We can't go and win the dance contest until everyone knows we deserve victory, so we have to hide out here for a while. Only when our killer moves will be truly appreciated can we emerge and defeat the other contestants."

"Hmm," said Kahlan. "Maybe we should strip naked and paint ourselves white? That's always a great disguise."

But it was too late. The P-Brains and the Mord Sith had entered the cafe and spotted them, and came over to start stealing Richard's chips and drinking his milkshake.

"You all got dates for da dance, den?" asked Chase, who was surreptitiously trying to grab Cara's arse. Instead, his hand brushed her agiel and he let out a yelp.

"Would you leave that alone!" shouted Cara. "God, you men are all the same! You're dumped!" She stormed out of the diner.

"Curse your womanly ways!" said Chase, following her out. Everyone looked awkward for a minute, before remembering that it would probably all be all right in the end.

"I'm taking Beata," said Fitch, who was glad to finally get a mention in the story. Everyone ignored him, including Beata, who was hoping to meet the famous DJ Bull Clifton.

"Hey, I know," said Kahlan, "After the dance, why don't you all come round to my parents' for tea? My dad's a drooling sex-slave, you know!"

"Come on, Kahlan, we're leaving," said Richard, burning with raptor-like embarrassment. The P-Brains and most of the Mord Sith all followed (individually), leaving Denna on her own in the shop. She sighed, indicating that she was unhappy. Shota the waitress came over, collecting the dishes.

"What's up?" asked Shota, "Didn't you start studying at Torture School recently?"

Denna held up her hands and showed off her burn marks, indication of a mishandled red-hot poker. "I dropped out," she said, "and now I don't know what to do with my life. If only there was some kind of deus ex machina that would pop up and tell me what to do!" She put her head down on the table and closed her eyes.

Suddenly there was a flash of light and the sound of a heavenly choir! Denna looked up to see... Ayn Rand!

AYN: Your story's sad to see
You tortured men with glee
You made them cry and call out for their mother
But when it comes to tests
You failed like all the rest
Couldn't tell one end of a poker from the other!

(la la la la la)

Torture school dropout
No graduation day for you
Torture school dropout
You've got the thumbs but not the screw
Well you cut and poked and beat and choked and bled them till they're dry
But your victims are no good to you after they go and die!

Baby, get movin' (get moving!)
This job ain't for you any more
What are you provin'? (what are you proving?)
You let him kick Violet in the jaw!
Now the brazier's cold, the days are old, and still the world is cruel
Hang up your butcher's knife and go back to high school.

Torture school dropout...
Go back to high school...
Torture school dropout...
Go back to high school...

---------------

Scene 7 - The Dance-off

Billy Goat and the Objectivists were starting up their first number when the gang arrived at the dance hall. The Mord Sith were all dressed in their best red leather outfits which creaked as they walked. Beata spotted Bull Clifton by the stage and let out a gasp. "It's Bull Clifton!" she said, gasping.

"You like older guys, huh?" said Fitch, expressing the author's jealousy about the fact that he was the same age as that Clifton and no-one had been interested in cigar-related antics with him. He watched enviously as Beata headed off breathlessly to talk to the dastardly silver fox.

The rest of the P-Brains and Mord Sith headed to the dance floor and started to strut their stuff. "Oh, Richard, this is so exciting!" squeaked Kahlan, as Chase approached from the doorway. Chase glanced enviously at Cara, who had turned up with a scary-eyed ugly man. It was Jagang, leader of the Centipedes, deadly rivals of the P-Brains. Chase puffed out his chest and tried to show off the rough-looking whore he had brought.

"Hey, Richard, I wantcha ta meet ma noo goilfriend, Nicci - now where's she gone?" said Chase, looking around anxiously, his gaze distracted by a pair of boobs.

Nicci tucked them back into her dress. "Oh, there you are!" said Chase, looking up. "Nicci, this is Richard."

"Richard, we meet again," drawled Nicci, giving him a languid wink and making suggestive gestures with her hands.

"Richard, do you know this... person?" demanded Kahlan.

"She's, er, an old friend of the family," spluttered Richard, "if you give me a couple of hours, I can make up a speech about it..." Just then Principal Zedd came to the stage and asked for hush.

"Be quiet, everyone!" said Zedd, and silence chimed out across the room. It instantly became very noiseless, and not a sound could be heard.

"You'll be happy to know that I am not judging this dance contest," said Zedd, peering out from under his bushy eyebrows. "The winners will be decided by a vote, led by... Bull Clifton!" He applauded, but no Bull Clifton appeared. Zedd darted behind the curtain, where Bull was almost-raping Beata, and dragged the pervy old DJ back onto the stage.

Bull zipped up his flies, and started an embarrassing rap.
"Hey you crazy cats, dance contests are where it's at!
Get down to the funky beat and make a centipede with your feet
Remember, you're all on TV, the music starts on count of three... two... one... go!"

And the dance contest began, with Bull's favourite collectivist hand-jive. All the students twirled their hands in unison, like a giant dancing centipede. Richard's thing began to rise at the horror of it all, but Kahlan was having such a good time, he didn't want to interrupt. He dashed silently over to the stage and grabbed the singer, Billy Goat.

"Billy! You have to play a tune that I can dance to as an individual!" he cried, in a hushed voice.

His bulging eyes and raptor-like breath scared the living shit out of Billy Goat. Instantly the song changed and became a funky number fit for individualists. Richard headed smugly back into the crowd to find Kahlan and show off his moves, but female hands grabbed him and spun him around. It was Nicci!

"Dance with me, big boy," she purred. Kahlan looked on with horror, and left the dance floor with tears in her eyes, but it was too late. For Richard to stop dancing would be to choose death, so carrying on was the only moral thing to do. He thrust out his chest manfully, and strutted around to the noble music until the crowd were on their knees, weeping with joy.

Strutter of Stuff.

Shaker of Booty.

The only ones not weeping were the P-Brains, who were chortling amongst themselves, planning a cunning prank. As Richard was rightfully pronounced the victor, the band prepared to play the last song, Great Balls of Fire. The lights dimmed, and the camera panned up, to reveal... a testicle barbecue!

Shota was watching the contest on the TV in her cafe. As the tasty grilled snacks appeared on her screen, she licked her lips. "Mmm, those ones on the left look delicious!"

---------------

Scene 9 - At the Drive-In

"Hurry up you guys, the movie's starting!" said Chandalen, as the P-Brains shuffled around trying to decide what to eat. Cara and Beata headed off to the hot-testicle stand to pick up everyone's order.

The queue was long, but Cara was in no mood to wait, and struck the happy moviegoers down with her agiel until they got out of her way. Even Beata was shocked.

"Cara, what's up with you tonight? Is something wrong?"

Cara glared. "You know about the birds and the bees, right?" she said. Beata nodded.

"So yeah, when a bird almost-rapes a bee, or vice versa, then you get... little bees..." Cara continued

"Didn't you let Chase almost-rape you the other... oh!" Beata's mind raced. Of course!

"Now, don't tell anyone," cautioned Cara, as they walked back to the car in silence.

When they got back to the others, everyone rushed out to congratulate Cara, who glared at Beata.

"I didn't tell anyone!" she protested. "If you're expecting all the details to be consistent, you're in the wrong story. This is a serious examination of real human issues here, not some lame-ass fairy tale."

Meanwhile, Richard and Kahlan had parked on the other side of the drive-in. Richard was still insisting that he'd done nothing wrong at the dance, and refusing to apologise. Kahlan knew she should forgive him, because everything he did was right, but she was still pretty pissed off.

The movie played on in front of them; someone was trying to ban fire. Richard yawned, pretended to stretch, and suddenly he was grabbing Kahlan's boob!

"Get off me, you big perv!" she shrieked. How could Richard do this? Her mind raced. This couldn't be Richard; he would never almost-rape anyone.

The Richard-thing let out an evil chortle. Kahlan finally understood the concept of a Richard-that-was-not-a-Richard, but namble incarnate. The barbed cock burst out from the not-Richard's travelling pants, but Kahlan instantly painted herself white and slipped from its clutches. Slamming the car door on the unfortunate namble cock, she ran out of the drive-in, screaming.

The real Richard spotted her leaving. "Kahlan, stop! You can't walk out of a drive-in! That would be a contradiction, and contradictions do not exist in reality, neither in whole nor in part!" She didn't even slow down.

Rage sprang from Richard's eyes. As sausages danced across the movie screen proclaiming that Meat is Good, he sang a sad song about what a dick he looked, having his girlfriend mistake him for a namble and then dump him. Then he ripped out the namble's spine for good measure.

---------------

Scene 10 - The Big Fight

"Well, boys," said Zedd, his eyebrows bristling with good humour, "are you ready for the fight at Thunder Road today?"

"Oh ho ho ho ho!" said Chase. Chandalen thought it best to translate.

"Yeah, dat we be, we's gonna rule da town!"

Rule the town? Richard hadn't realised that so much was at stake. Did Chase (or Chandalen) really deserve that kind of victory? Were they truly equipped for that much power? How great was their knowledge of representational designs involving lethality? Richard's mind whirled like some cornflakes that had been put into a vortex. What would happen if Chase (or Chandalen) lost to the Centipedes? There was only one moral thing that he could do.

"What's that over there, Chase?" he asked, innocently. As Chase turned to look, Richard pretended to stretch and clobbered his friend to the ground with a mighty blow, like that of the thunderous gods of old.

Richard composed his face into his most guileless expression. "Gosh!" he exclaimed, with a fearful groan. "Chase has collapsed! It must be the work of the evil Centipedes! I guess I'd better take his place in the fight, then."

The rest of the P-Brains were only too quick to agree. At last! Richard took hold of the sword he had been so craving, and caressed its smooth girth with a delicate, yet manly touch. His shoulders rippled with desire, like the surface of a pool in which two dolphins are mating. Or possibly sharks, as dolphins have unpleasant collectivist tendencies. In one swift movement, he ripped off his shirt, exposing a perfect torso. The assembled P-Brains gasped as one.

Just then came a crack of thunder, and then a flash of lightning, because the author doesn't entirely understand physics. Pine needles fell from the trees. The Centipedes had arrived!

Jagang sneered his sneeriest sneer. "Cower before me, puny P-Brains, for soon I will be your master!" he cackled, like a chicken of evil. "First Thunder Road, then tomorrow the WORLD!!! Mwahahahahahaha!!!!!!"

This display of unalloyed evil was too much for Richard. His thing rose instantly, and he was forced to rise up and live his life, lest he put the lie to his entire existence. He stood before Jagang and flexed his many muscles.

"Jagang, for the sake of an exciting conclusion, I'm going to have to let you live for at least five more minutes, but you have to realise that Truth will win in the end," he said, with an even voice that displayed none of the rage that permanently raged within.

And so they began. At first it looked like Jagang was winning, then Richard got the upper hand, so Jagang cheated a bit, and someone shouted "Richard!" and he spotted the cheating move (but he would have seen it anyway because he had such awesome skillz), then Richard's sword got flung away and it looked like Jagang nearly had him again, and at the last minute Richard's portable power generator, which I hadn't seen fit to mention before, got caught on the end of Jagang's sword and Jagang electrocuted himself to death.

As the cheering P-Brains led the victorious Richard away, Kahlan was watching him from behind a tree. How could she live without this man? She was already pining for him and her life was empty without him. She called Denna over, and together they made a plan.

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Scene 11 - At the Fairground: Grand Finale

School was over! The P-Brains and Mord Sith stood around comparing grades and making humourous jokes about how clever they all were. Cara wasn't pregnant after all, so they all had a good chortle about that too, and slapped each other's thighs.

"Bags!" said Principal Zedd, raising even more laughs.

Richard stalked over with his raptor-like walk, which was currently more of a stork-like walk, as his new travelling pants were exceptionally tight today. His golden cape billowed in the wind, and didn't look at all gay.

"Richard, wassup? Why y'all done gone dressed in dat outfit?" asked Chase, whose damaged head was entirely recovered from the previous day's coma-inducing injury, though his accent was beyond repair.

Richard sighed, like wind through the wayward pines. "It's Kahlan. She still won't let me almost-rape her, so I've dressed in my best outfit in the hope that my noble individuality will shine through. You see, the power of the individual..."

But Richard's impending speech was cut off by a sonic boom, as pine needles tumbled from the trees. He turned around to see a blinding sight, which swept the vision from his eyes. It was Kahlan, dressed in a skin-tight black leather outfit that showed off her massive boobies to best advantage.

"Tell me about it, stud," she purred, and hit him with her Confessor power.

Richard began to sing:
"I got chills, they're multiplying
And I'm loo-oosing contro-ol
Cos the power you're supplying
It's electrifying!"

Kahlan joined in: "You better shape up, cos I need a man
And my heart is set on you!
You better shape up, and you better understand
To my own existence I must be true!"

They continued in this vein for a few more verses, Richard following her around like a puppy dog on a lead. Eventually, the Mord Sith caught up with her. "What did you do to him?" asked Cara.

"Well," said Kahlan, "I realised that I had to give in to my inner slut, and deserve victory. If the only way to get Richard to stop acting like a dick was to use my power, then I had no other moral choice. Now I can bend him to my will and we can all get married in the Mud People's village and live happily ever after."

So off they all went. The Mud People were delighted to have their village invaded yet again by dangerous delinquents from the big city who understood none of their customs, and serenaded the loving couple with their traditional jibber-jabber.

"Ramma lamma lamma ka dingity ding de dong
Shoo-bop sha wadda wadda yippity boom de boom
Chang chang changity chang shoo-bop
Dip da dip da dip do wop de dooby doo
Boogy boogy boogy boogy shooby shoo wap shoo-bop
Sha na na na na na na na yippity dip da do
Ramma lamma lamma ka dingity ding de dong
Shoo-bop sha wadda wadda yippity boom de boom
Chang chang changity chang shoo-bop
Dip da dip da dip do wop de dooby doo
Boogy boogy boogy boogy shooby shoo wap shoo-bop
Sha na na na na na na na yippity dip da do
A womp bop a loobop a womp bam boom!"

Richard and Kahlan headed off in their magical car, where he was promptly collared by some stern nuns and she was dragged off by beasts of untold evil, but that's a story for another time.

The End.

Goodkind meets The Matrix

Richo: What is the Dominatrix?

Morphiddus Morondurr: Not what, who.

R: Who is the Dominatrix?

M: Not is, are.

R: Who are the Dominatrix?

M: They are hot blond chicks in red leather who have ginormous breasts and like to torture you by sticking a stun gun up your ass.

R: Woah.

M: Tell me about it, you should talk to the Orifice.

------------------------------------

R: Morphiddus, how do I use my powers?

M: I'm sorry, I can't help you.

R: Can't, or won't?

M: Can't, nobody knows how this shit works because TG is a stupid cunt. Now give it a rest, I'm tired from getting raped last night.

------------------------------------

R: What are you trying to tell me, I can dodge arrows?

M: No, what I'm trying to tell you is that when the time comes, you can shoot them out of the air or catch them.

------------------------------------

R: Explain to me again about agents

M: Agents follow the keeper, and can be anybody, can take the form of any person. Did you notice the woman in the red outfit?

R: You mean Cara?

M: Shoot bad example.

- word