Contributors: The Wolf Maid, WLU, Jaxom 1974, Pita of the Mind, Will, Agulla, LordPiperOfPinkmaiden, Dycedarq, rado907
Agiel - The Electric Buttplug of Doom. Favourite toy of the Mord-Sith.
Almost-rape - the act of nearly, but not quite, being raped; frequently happens to Kahlan
Anger management - meting out punishment for slights suffered. Acceptable forms are jaw-breaking kicks (if the offending person was a child), or spine removal (if the offending person is an adult).
Bags - See anger management
BBHN - Blessed Be His Name (reference to Terry Goodkind)
BBNC - Big Barbled Namble Cock
Big Boobies - A representational design involving one's objective goodness or potential for goodness
Bringer of Death - one of the many personalities of Richard Rahl. This insane killer usually takes over just prior to a battle.
Castration - See food preparation
1) The act of being unintentionally funny when trying very hard to be serious.
2) Having moral celery. Or clarity. But not both. There is no
3) Terry Goodkind
Charity - A wicked invention of commie pinkos which makes people dependent and needy death-choosers.
Chicken – an evil animal that is fortunately quite delicious in good, proper ‘Merican dishes like BBQ or McDonalds, and even in weirdo cultural diversity foreign devil foods that fortunately taste good (like curries). Man I could murder a curry right now.
Communism/Liberalism/Leftism - the most dangerous and vile political viewpoints that exist, whose sole purposi (plural of purpose, a la porpoise) is the degradation of all mankind, for no particular reason. Fortunately, incursions of Communism are easily addressed through the judicious prophylactic or remedial application of statues
Confessor - One with the magical power of making their target love them so much they’ll eat their own testicles. Out of love.
Confessor's touch - Like Richard's Thing, but with a better back-story. Allows Klan to be the Destroyer of Souls. The ultimate expression of love. Apparently stops working if Klan is presented with the slightest reason. Somehow related to 'Turning the Sword White' Con-Dar power, which lets her throw lightning when convenient to the plot or her snuggle bunny is threatened. May help keep her dress clean while trekking through leagues and leagues of woodlands (though distances are deceptive, if not outright deceitful in Tairlyland). Induces craving for testicles in those afflicted. Released whenever her chosen mate orgasms (or possibly when she orgasms, because in Tairlyland, simultaneous orgasms are much easier to achieve than in real life; hey, it's fantasy, it's got dragons, how is this less believable?). Is immediately preceded by the 'Summon Pine Trees' spell, and followed by 'Pointless And Nonsensical Loud Noise And Impact Specifically Designed to Dislodge Pine Needles' spell, despite being an intrapsychic event.
Death Chooser (alt. Chooser of Death) - Someone who does not see, believe or know of the noble human spirit infused into all facets of the great TG's works.
Fantasy – a failed genre currently in the midst of revolution and/or downfall due to incredible innovation
Fire - an ever so subtle mis-metaphor for gun control
Gang Rape - Democracy in action. Also; mild form of punishment in the Midlands used by the righteous ones to chastise neutrals and other traitors to the Truth. Also; evil and savage torture when used by the Imperial Order.
Gar - a furry incarnation of Barney. Their main representative, Gratch, exhibits an interspecies attraction towards Richard Rahl.
Goatish – Like a goat; noble, but a little bit gamey. Should be tenderized before cooking.
Goodkind is Our God - the TRUE Goodkind fansite
Goodness - One's actual or potential ability to agree with The Way, the Truth and the Light.
Hatred of moral clarity - Core tenet of the Lemmings of Discord. Also see weaponry.
Hole in the world - see "plot hole".
Important Human Themes – What this is all about, and what no lemming could ever understand. Themes like people being stupid, magic swords, dragons and namble rape.
Innovation – something completely unimitatable, though it is recyclable
Ja La - Proof positive that professional sports are EEEEE_VIL and professional athletes are scum of the earth. Also, proof that Goodkind spent most of his school days getting his head dunked in the toilet by jocks (and possibly girls too seeing how misogynistic he is).
Jibber-jabber - collective name for furrin (non-English) languages. Any person, who speaks thes is a fool by definition, thus should be pitied (in the Mr. T way).
Killer Queen - Richard and Terry Goodkind as Queen Victoria.
Klan – Portmanteau of Kahlan, beau to Perfection Itself and carrier of His Devilbaby. Warleader of Naked Ghosts. Admirer of men larger than most men though not larger than all men. Capable of ordering Queens around much like a Bene Gessit Aes Sedai (LOOK JUST NOT LIKE ANYONE ELSE, OK, THIS IS UNIQUE AND INNOVATIVE YOU IMMATURE MONKEYS DON’T YOU GET IT?) yet rolls over for her lovey-dovey boyfriend at the slightest whisper. Unless it advances the plot or provides an example of an Important Human Theme in which case she will be unreasonably stubborn. Has a free-floating pouch mysteriously attached to her incredibly-practical-for-strolling-about-in-the-woods-despite-being-the-most-recognizable-garment-in-the-Midlands white dress. Presumably has big jugs. Surprisingly good social skills considering she must have been feared/hated most of her life. Destroyer of Souls. Smart, but not quite so smart as Richard, you can tell by her eyes, which are also slightly less raptor-like than Richard's. Has two settings - bloodthirsty monster and Turboslut.
Lemmings of Discord - Conspirating commie death-choosers, who fail to see THE TRUTH of Richard. Their very ignorance of this puts the lie to their existence.
Magic - It does whatever the Plot needs it to, no matter how contradictory it may seem.
Melon-sized holes - Melons are the standard unit for measuring holes created in human torsos by subtractive magic.
Michael - An
evil most evil very evil half-half (not related) brother to the really cool good guy. Was executed not because Richard didn't like him, but because he was evil and bad to some other people Richard couldn't name at the moment. Tried to ban fire.
Moral celery - the most vital ingredient to becoming a disciple of Richard Rahl.
Mord-Sith - hawt dominatrixes specializing in subjugating and controlling wizards. Masterful in the ways of the Agiel, which they can use for a number of purposes. Only people on the side of Light who are allowed to be sexually deviant - that is, they can engage in lesbian sex, as that is considered hot.
Mud People - evolutionary miracles, despite generations of inbreeding, they still exist. Their chickens must be very special, since evil incarnate sees it fit to possess one of them. Also, the village of the Mud People is a frequent holiday resort for War Wizards and Confessors.
Mystar – the shining beacon of nobility and honor that should be the ideal for our manor of conduct; the apex, epitome, acme of all that is objectively good. An honest star. Always. It’ll tell you so if you ask it. In fact, it’ll probably tell you, even if you don’t ask. Makes liberal use of the copy/paste function, but not spellcheck.
Namble Cock - An extremely large, barbed penis, used mostly for injecting magical talent into eeevil ugly women, but sometimes used as a flotation device.
Nobility - See goats; Richard; life seeksers; travelling pants, wearers of; celery, moral; celery, juice; torture; speeches, long; ear removal; sex, kinky; sex, chastity; sex, extra-dimensional; sex, almost; rape, almost; TRUTH; objectivity; hesitation, lack of; Namble sex, refraining from; vixens, leather clad; USA; freedom; purpose, putting the lie to; excommunication; disfigurement, under aged; execution, summary; life; armour, lack of in battle; clothing, lack of in battle; stew; herblore; sculpture; holes, melon sized; Rand; past participle, misuse of; wolves; breasts
Noble goat - guardian animal, protecting the innocent from the less morally celerious.
Outfit – like clothes, but more nobby and magical
Pacifist - See dangerous ideals. (See also straw)
People are stupid - Wizard's First Rule (or, the reason why TG's books sell in the first place)
Perfection – Richard Rahl
Plot - I'm sorry, we lost that four books ago (assuming we ever had one)
Pointless naughty bits - sex- and violence-based story inclusions that fail to advance the plot but are designed to appeal to the lowest common voyeuristic denominator; generally whitewashed with the appellation 'important human themes'
Red fruits - indicates that it's a poisoned fruit/vegetable. Because red is so shiny people love to eat them.
Representational designs involving lethality - Ways of killing people with pictures; think Vogon paintings. (Current ways Perfection Itself can kill people - with love (I know whenever he gushes over Klan I want to slit my wrists); with a sword; with pictures; with hate; with moral celery; with a boot; with his hands; with an arrow; with pure determination; with speeches; but never, never with kindness)
Richard Rahl – the Way, the Truth and the Light. Perfection. The ultimate source of all Truth. Quite possibly the most brilliant and well-educated woodsguide extant. Like his girls slutty, violent and bloodthirsty, but is a bit of a prude at unexpected moments. Master of ‘Adhere Nipple’ spell. Invulnerable to temptation and reluctant leader of the free world, which he rules with an ironclad fist. Dresses a bit like a gay Liberace. Postmaster of Death (the concept, not the entity). Fulfiller of countless prophecies, most of which conveniently advance the plot. Wielder of the Sword of Truth and Vessel of its Unholy Rage; learner of swordsmanship from any swords he’s touched either present, past or (coming in Confessor) future (presumably also works for table manners and cutlery); font of Orphan’s Tears and Widowmaker; Harvester of Ears; unacknowledged ruler of all birds of prey; Haver of Oddly-Behaving Eyes; He of the Mighty Clenched Jaw through which He Screams; subject of Tairy’s imaginary gay crush; Bane of Peace Protesters, Eight-Year-Old Girls and all those who can’t fight back. Married to Klan and father of her Devilbaby. Apparently, and we really can’t emphasize this enough, a rare person (possibly a unique snowflake). Of uncertain height, though definitely larger than most men, though not larger than all men, as there are some men out there who are larger than he is. Channel for magic, which he would be completely useless without. The opposite of a strawman.
Sandstorm Reviews - It's the Blog of Truth (where you can find the collection of most, if not all the Goodkind parodies plus basic information of the series and *takes a deep breath* read some fabulous reviews, too).
Scarlet - talking magic dragon, who is easily swayed by the hero's cunning flattery. She must have been the product of a failed experiment of Darken Rahl, with severe brain deficiency. A fantasy element, which has the misfortunate effect of distracting young and/or stupid readers from the Very Important Human Themes
Self-sacrifice: Is for communists, da?
Shota – Witch woman and general advancer of plot. Hot. Has a pet Gollum monkey who very amusingly wears suspenders. Though lacking an actual sword, is responsible for turning it white on numerous occasions.
Sisters of the Dark/Light - See also, Aes Sedai/Back Ajah.
Speeches – an absolute necessity when you get paid by the word or pound. Also spares you from having to sully your hands with plot or worldbuilding. See redundancy. Apparently stops time and/or freezes opponents for duration of speech. Apparently quite convincing in fictional settings.
Spine - A part of the body unnecessary for motion. Its removal is an acceptable punishment.
Statues - non-linguistic arguments for the nobility of
goats mankind; responsible for the downfall of Communism.
Strawman – Grasserius rulericus, a very common species occupying among the highest ecological niches in Tairyland. Generally found to be mis-ruling kingdoms or devilishly conspiring to convert to or maintain some sort of benevolent communist rule that despite being peaceful and productive, is still inherently wrong.
Sword of Truth - magical weapon presumably forged out of the remains of the Liberty Bell ('cause it' rings like one, distinctively, and 'cause it's just so fucking Democratic!), which has several properties:
1) Cuts through anything in a single stroke
2) Stops if the wielder feels that their killing is unjustified (has happened once in more than 5000 pages)
3) Has Truth written on the hilt in gold wire
4) Has a scabbard which is very pretty
5) Has aggressive quillions
6) Has an aggressive wielder
7) Currently has a very aggressive wielder
8) Can turn white when the wielder loves someone enough to kill them
9) Origins lost in the mists of time (presumably; much like several other plot devices, its origins are never really explained)
10) Superheats and shatters anything it slices through; its ability to mince garlic and warm up your coffee not yet determined
11) Nearly magical ability to get taken away from its weilder; it's a Coin spin to see if it'll happen in each book
12) Turns wielder into midget monkey similar to, but definitely not based on the effects of the One Ring on Sméagol. Who must then wear pants held up by suspenders.
13) Capable of retaining the kinetic memory of past wielders, sort of like a flash drive for your spine
Sword of Truth (series) - the single most important and revolutionary work of literature extant, an unending source of inspiration to countless millions (definitely more than 50 million) and an homage (not rip-off) to several books by Ayn Rand. Definitely more influential than the Bible and Bhagavad-Gita put together. The Koran doesn't even enter into the equation 'cause it ripped off how you are supposed to worship Allah from how you're supposed to worship Richard Rahl (PBTHN, WLHHTU). The single most creative and innovative, unimitatable work of literature ever produced in the past, present or future. The greatest non-fantasy epic ever to be written, ever. Not just a fantasy series, but a way of life. Super awesome. Absolutely not the literary equivalent of anal rape or a skull-fuck.
Tears - unconditioned response to the sight of statues
Tell, don’t show
1) The unyielding iron underpinning of the Sword of Truth series
2) How you know that Richard Rahl is the Way, the Truth and the Light, because examining his actions won’t get you anywhere.
The Chicken that is Not a Chicken - A chicken that is actually evil incarnate. It could also refer to the theory that states that things or animals may not be what they seem, and may actually be vessels of evil.
The Mad Moose - All hail him!
Thesaurus - a good thing to have if you run out of ways to express, uhm, things.
1) pertains to a certain mysterious 'thing' in Richard that rises within him when he feels righteous anger (or as some speculates, when he feels rather randy).
2) handy word to use when vocabulary is lacking or concepts are a bit too complicated. Can be adapted to virtually any, y'know, thing.
Torture: See information retrieval and pointless naughty bits. Is considered an acceptable punishment by the forces of Light.
Travelling Pants - Pants used for travelling
Truth – ~sigh~ well, if I have to define it, you just don’t get it /~sigh~
‘Turning the sword white’
1) Richard’s Thing. No, not that thing, the thing thing. Though it is still somewhat appropriate, how amusing!
2) The creation or invocation of specific, potentially interesting plot devices which ultimately go nowhere due to failed creativity and sloppy worldbuilding but are used to advance the plot. Like an ejector seat when an author plots himself into a corner.
Synonyms – retcon, indolence, contempt for the reader.
Antonyms – creativity, coherence, forethought.
Vegetarians and Vegans: See 'Death-chooser'.
Wanna-Bees - Please see definition for Lemmings of Discord
Wayward Pines - Trees unique and ubiquitous in Tairyland which are just fantastic for sleeping in and in no way cold, uncomfortable or infested with insects. Kinda like a lame, yet incredibly convenient tent.
Weirdo Cultural Diversity - any language or behaviour that differs from what Tairy has witnessed within a four-mile radius of his house. Cross-referenced with the standard furrin lingo, which is jibber-jabber.
Wheel of Time - Robert Jordan's epic fantasy book series Terry Goodkind did NOT read. At all. Really.
Wish fulfilment – See Sword of Truth (series), magic (except Additive Magic, Subtractive Magic, Drawing Magic, Witch Magic, which are all Very Realistic and Follow Rules that Do Not get Made Up to Turn the Sword White)
Wizard Outfit - clothes worn by wizards, notably Zedd, and by extension, Richard
WLHHTU - We Love How He Touches Us (reference to Terry Goodkind)
Worldbuilding – completely unnecessary and if that's all you are looking for you might as well look elsewhere because Tairy is doing something much more important.
1) Ponytail-beard combo sported by Terry Goodkind. Rumors have it that it is a combination from the might of Steven Segal (ponytail) and Chuck Norris (beard), making it the most badass style.
2) The source of all his power. Not a reference to Sampson, because I’ve never read the Bible and frankly don’t know what you’re talking about. Look, I’m obviously using the jawbone of a Mule, and if you can’t see the differences between me and this book I’ve never read, obviously you are not old enough to be reading this metaphor.
Zedd - short for Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander, once called the Wind of Death and is the First Wizard, yet despite this, he is one of the most utterly useless characters in SoT. Geriatric lover. Also the proper pronunciation of the final letter in the alphabet.